aahhh....
My divorce has been ongoing for 2 years, and now the final signing papers will be ready for review within a couple of weeks.

THe last month I have been having huge second thoughts on if we can really start anew and have our family back together.

We have been separated for almost 2 years, but are always in contact because we have 2 kids.

Until the last month or so I have not given him the time of day so to speak, with exception of things relating to our kids. I mean I was nice and cordial, but my feelings were shut off. I felt over him, and that this is how it has to be.

Well, they are coming back. He is on my mind 24/7 and it's driving me crazy.

He has never given up on wanting to try again and work this out.

I filed for the divorce.

The big problem in our marriage was his drug addiction. He has been almost 2 years clean and is a member of NA and all of that. Prior to this, we had a 6month break up, he was off drugs, moved back in and went back on the drugs, then we separated again (and this is the 2nd year into that one)

We hugged for the first time in almost two years and my knees went weak. I had to back away because I was floored with my feelings.

Do I just ask the atty to hold everything so we can see if we can sort thru this?

Am I an idiot to believe that this can work and that he has finally 'got it' with the drug thing?

He constantly is trying to make amends for the past and assure me he would be there for us and would do anything to be a family again.

Feelings are tricky. I had strong feelings for my STBX at times, despite her cruel infidelities. Eventually it became overwhelmingly clear that she wasn't changing or doing anything to change. I wrote a lot. Maybe pencil and paper would be helpful for you.

List 1: What do you gain from the divorce
(financial resolution, sense of moving on, not being vulnerable to him again, ...)

List 2: What could he do that would make it easier for you to trust him -- you could ask him for these. (copy of a recent drug test, letting you meet with his sponsor, an interview with a friend or co-worker of his that could give you a more complete picture of his current life, his giving up on friendships that encouraged his past drug use, ...)

List 3: What the pros/cons for your kids?

Writing things down lets you revisit them later whereas your feelings may change day to day. Were there other reaons you sought the divorce besides the addiction?

Best of luck,

- WG

That's great advice.

I saw my counselor last week and that's exactly what she told me to do. Write a pro's and con's list for staying married or getting divorced.

BTW...

You can always ask your atty to put the divorce on hold. If you find out nothing has changed and your husband is still using drugs then you can continue the divorce. If you find out that he has changed and you truly want to fix the marriage you can do that too. That way your conscious is clear.

Puting the divorce on "hold" gives you some time to figure things out. You don't want to finalize your divorce in two weeks then realize in four weeks that it was a mistake.

If he's been drug free for 2 years that's a huge step in the right direction. It shows he's willing and able to change. Some people aren't. If he still wants to work on the marriage thats another step in the right direction.

Just my humble opinion.

No, you are not an idiot. LOTS of people get to this point and realize that it is worth it to make one last attempt at reconciliation.

Sometimes it takes losing one's family to finally see that changes are necessary and possible. Your H has been clean for 2 years. That represents a huge effort on his part.

There are no guarantees that he will never go back to drugs, just as there are no guarantees that an unfaithful spouse will never be unfaithful again. You sort of have to get to the place where are willing to go on faith for a while and see where it leads you.

As a wise friend pointed out recently, this is the reason in my state you have to be physically separated for 1 year. You need that 'cooling off' period. It amazes that in so many states you can get a divorce in 60 days and still be living in the same house.

See if he is willing to go into counseling with you. Go slow. Attend some marriage seminars. That is what my H and I are doing - still living apart for a while longer but working on it. We just attended one of the Gary Smalley marriage seminars at a local church this weekend and we are in counseling every week. It is helping and I feel hopeful for the first time in years that we are gaining some great skills for building a stronger marriage. Of course, it goes without saying that Dr. Harley has a great program and we are also listening to his books on CD.

IMHO, unless there is a risk of physical violence, where's the harm in trying again? Taking children from their FOO to a stepfamily can be very hard. If you can work it out with their father, so much the better. Good luck.

Have you gone to alanon meetings? To learn from others who have been with drug users? I'm amazed at Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, he was drinking and doing drugs, cleaned up and they appear to have a good marriage. Sometimes it takes tough love and leaving someone to make them see what they are doing. You'd have to be about to figure out if this man is genuine or not, if he has the will power to quit the drugs for good, how much the problems really were related to the drugs vs other issues you had, etc, etc.

I think there's a 1-2 year grieving process that goes with separating, you go through the grief stages and in the end you aren't as angry, that's how grieving works. I suppose that's why some states have a mandatory time period that couples must be separated. I feel partly this way towards my ex, we've been separated for three years, and it's only lately that I haven't hated him so much, that I started "thinking" that maybe there was hope. I shut down to even really considering it other then leaving the option open in the back of my head. Yet I have no way of evaluating if he's still drinking, what he's really up to etc as he lives in another state. There'd have to be a way to evaluate if someone's really "changed" or not...