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I had a relatively long post written but I decided to delete it because in my opinion it sounded more like a vent than a sincere desire to have a question answered.
So with that, how would you look to regain respect for a spouse that you have lost respect for? Can this be done? I can go into details as to why I have lost respect but I'm not sure if the details matter. Actually, if you do a search for posts under my username there are plenty of details in those posts. If they do matter in answering the question I can certainly go into details as to why I have lost respect for my wife. I will say this, my wife has a mental illness (bipolar) that has negatively effected our relationship, relationships with other family members, and relationships with some of her friends. There are things she says and does that just leaves me shaking my head and rolling my eyes (not in front of her). This issue with bipolar has negatively effected our marriage to the point where I have had to seek professional help for depression. I have not ever actively sought out professional help before which I think says a lot.
I think my wife is getting better after being treated for bipolar for over a year, but I think it's clear that the things that were really a problem before she was diagnosed are still a problem but it's just not as bad as before. I love my wife and I'm wondering if there is a way I can learn to respect my wife because the things that are still issues really bother me greatly and I'm trying hard to see past that.
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Joined: Sep 2007
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Can you learn to respect someone? Are they worthy of respect?
If your wife quit doing the things that made you disrespect her, then yes I think you could respect her again. Or, you could somehow work to change your viewpoint on what you consider to be a person your respected to incorporate her as she is.
Why don't you respect her?
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Joined: May 2007
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Can you learn to respect someone? Are they worthy of respect?
If your wife quit doing the things that made you disrespect her, then yes I think you could respect her again. Or, you could somehow work to change your viewpoint on what you consider to be a person your respected to incorporate her as she is.
Why don't you respect her? Well, the bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed for years has shaped a lot of my feelings about her. She used to yell at me all the time, insult me, she would not do anything around the house as a stay at home mother. She has overspent so much that many times during our marriage it has left us with nothing in the bank. She racks up debt like it's going out of style. We're in the process of paying down debt a third time and the two previous times I'd say, "lets never let this happen again." She has ruined relationships with friends and members of her own family, and her work ethic and attitude is poor. She is one of these kind of women that have the "I'm a princess" attitude. On top of all that she has cheated on me before. Now, since she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder just about everything I mentioned has improved however they are still issues….just not as bad. I do not believe she has cheated on me again. Just recently we made a plan (a third time) as to how we are going to get out of debt again. The plan is all laid out and it's just a matter of being diligent and executing it. Well, last week I found out that she purchased something on credit for about $200 and I swear, I think I literally felt my blood pressure rise. It's the first time I ever felt that way. I was so upset because I think it was the first time I realized that things will never really change. Because of the cost of medications and the cost of psychiatry visits money is tight for us. A lot of times she will complain about something or someone, or what someone did or said to her, and I find myself thinking, "you're wrong." She wants to go to school to become an LPN and eventually maybe go for the RN but I tell you what, I don't think she can do it. I'm not saying she doesn't have the intelligence to do it. What I'm saying is that I don't think she has the drive or the ability to commit to something long term. Bipolar people sometimes have these pie in the sky ideas of accomplishing things. If she fails, guess who gets stuck with the bill. Despite all this, I love my wife. Well, I think I do. Everything I have written is reality but I'm hoping to somehow push through these feelings. To try and sum it up, I have lost respect for my wife because I feel as a result of her mental issues the hard work I do in and out of the home is continually being undermined by her selfishness, overspending, and her disrespect to me. I don't think she means to do it all the time because I recognize that a good part of it probably has to do with bipolar. The problem I see is that I think this is the best it's going to get. I want to push through my feelings and learn to respect her but if she really can't change is what I am looking to do impossible? Will I have to start appreciating or ignoring selfishness and overspending (as these things will likely not change) in order to respect her? Even today, I gave her a call and when she picked up the phone she said, "yeah?" Sometimes it's "what?" I hate that and I suspect she does it on purpose to aggrevate me. Is it so difficult to say hi and ask how I am doing?
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I am not at all familiar with bipolar disorder, so I'm of no use there. I'll comment though and keep your thread alive until someone that has experience with that side of things comes along.
Seems to me that regardless of the bipolar disorder you can start to set and enforce some boundaries.
On the financial front, if she is incapable of sticking to a budget, but agrees that a budget needs to be kept, then I would suggest you separate the finances. Essentially give her an agreed upon allowance of discretionary funds, eliminate the credit cards she abuses, and force her to stick to it. There is no reason or excuse for her to incur debt that is not mutually agreed upon.
As far as her schooling plan, it MIGHT actually be a good thing to encourage this if you can agree to a plan that requires success. Perhaps your statements that she is not capable are a disrespectful judgement of her and her abilities? Its reasonable for you to be cautious, but perhaps your attitude is in fact building resentment in her?
About her attitude. How is your attitude? If you yourself are prone to disrespecting her (which its hard to see how you aren't considering the topic!) then its quite likely she returns that disrespect in heaps! Have you tried changing the way you interact with her? You change your behavior, and her behavior WILL change. Might not change how you want it to, but it is a two way street. YOU are here, so that's what we have to work with. Doesn't mean its your FAULT, just means that you are the one seeking help.
You might see if she'll fill out the Emotional Needs questionairre and the Disrespectful Judgements surveys linked at the top of this page in the "Questionairres" section. You'd probably both learn alot from those.
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I am not at all familiar with bipolar disorder, so I'm of no use there. I'll comment though and keep your thread alive until someone that has experience with that side of things comes along.
Seems to me that regardless of the bipolar disorder you can start to set and enforce some boundaries.
On the financial front, if she is incapable of sticking to a budget, but agrees that a budget needs to be kept, then I would suggest you separate the finances. Essentially give her an agreed upon allowance of discretionary funds, eliminate the credit cards she abuses, and force her to stick to it. There is no reason or excuse for her to incur debt that is not mutually agreed upon.
As far as her schooling plan, it MIGHT actually be a good thing to encourage this if you can agree to a plan that requires success. Perhaps your statements that she is not capable are a disrespectful judgement of her and her abilities? Its reasonable for you to be cautious, but perhaps your attitude is in fact building resentment in her?
About her attitude. How is your attitude? If you yourself are prone to disrespecting her (which its hard to see how you aren't considering the topic!) then its quite likely she returns that disrespect in heaps! Have you tried changing the way you interact with her? You change your behavior, and her behavior WILL change. Might not change how you want it to, but it is a two way street. YOU are here, so that's what we have to work with. Doesn't mean its your FAULT, just means that you are the one seeking help.
You might see if she'll fill out the Emotional Needs questionairre and the Disrespectful Judgements surveys linked at the top of this page in the "Questionairres" section. You'd probably both learn alot from those. Thank you for your post. I have read the section on disrespectful judgments and I am guilty. You are right. I need to do more reading and learn how I can change and improve the relationship. In my defense (as childish as this is going to sound) is that I didn't start it. I think what has happened is a cycle of disrespectful comments and judgments that has started years ago prior to finding out her mental illness. For years I took it without dishing it out but clearly what I have been doing and saying are disrespectful judgments. I have a way of being brutually honest with people without being brutally honest. I think I can change but I don't think she can. I must change, because I think I should be above dishing out disrespectful judgments to my wife or anyone. I think school is a great idea. I have never told her that I think she will have great difficulty with it. The truth is that in the seven years I have been married to her she has never followed through on one thing she has started. When the going gets tough, she quits and there is nothing to make me believe going to school is going to be different. I believe she has the intelligence to do it, I believe she has the ability to do it, I just think that because of her mental illness it will get the better of her and she'll think it's too hard and quit. I'm not certain how we could come up with a plan that requires success. I do most things around the house and that role would increase by default if she is going to school. I would do everything in my power to help her succeed but I can't instill my "drive". I can't study for her or take her tests. Damn, I did it again. My last paragraph could be taken as a disrespectful judgment but it's all true. How can I be honest with her on anything if I can't be honest? How can I possibly express my concerns about her quitting and getting stuck with thousands of dollars worth in school debt if I can't express those concerns verbally? My wife certainly isn't dumb. Just like I know how she is and how she reacts to certain situations she sees right though me to what I am saying even if I word it in the most respectful way humanly possible. Also to be clear when I use the word mental illness I mean that in the most serious way. I used to think things like bipolar disorder and other mental disorders were weaknesses but it is not. I don't feel that way anymore.
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Is there a reason you are posting in the infidelity section? Just curious.
I don't think it is disrespectful to be concerned about the family making a large financial commitment for her education unless she is committed to succeeding. I don't necessarily think its disrespectful to recognize that she has medical issues that might make that difficult.
You might tell her that you want her to go to school, but you want her to ease into it, take a single class next semester and see how it goes?
It seems to me that the two of you need to establish some new rules for interacting with each other. A committment to the MB plan from both of you might go a long way to solving your problems. Realize that there is no quick fix and it is going to take effort on both sides. You will both fail from time to time, don't let temporary setbacks derail the plan, use them as learning opportunities and chances to practice your new plan. Also, don't be afraid to start on your own, you'll become a better person because of it even if she doesn't.
See if she'll participate in filling out those surveys. Then start reviewing the Basic Concepts of the MB plan. The Books His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love Stay in Love would also be good reads for both of you.
Again, why are you posting in infidelity? These concepts are good ones even when an A has occurred, you if that is the case, you need to address the issues that come with infidelity in order to build a good marriage.
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"On top of all that she has cheated on me before."
There you go tyk, from rp's second post.
Love in Christ, Miss M
ps: rp: there are several BS's here that have dealt with bi-polar spouses, hope they chime in here. I am glad that your W is better, hope you get some help here, as you have been. Maybe not what you always want to hear, but there are some great people here to help you. Hang in there. Mental illness DOES mean that you deal with things differently.
me: FBS H: FWS Fully recovered
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Rockpyle.....This is the same question I have been asking myself for a long time. I haven't come up with an answer yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />....So I am hoping you get more feedback.
I too have a MI husband I have lost all resepect for. He's done terrible hurtful things to himself and others. We have been living seperately for a year now, and I don't see reconciliation happening. He lives in a assisted living apt complex where his rent is based on his income, and where other disabled people live.
I don't believe I'll ever trust him again, nor do I believe he will remain faithful, or sober. MI is no excuse to be treated badly or cheated on. Becareful that she not use her disability to make you a doormat, because she will try. That disability can lead the whole family into insanity. It's good you are getting counseling.
My husband cheated, disappeared for a few days at a time, addictions involved, incurred much debt on his credit cards (he had 2 credit cards, then obtained 4 more secretly, not telling me) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. I don't believe I will be responsible for any, as they are in his name and I am not an authorized user of them, as I have my own in my name. If I were you, I would see that if she wants to go to Nursing school, she may qualify for a grant for disabled people. Her counselor could be of more help obtaining the resources she needs, or where to go for that. I fully understand your concerns in not wanting to go further into debt with her schooling, and you should voice that also to her and the counselor.
You said it perfectly when you said she has a "i'm a princess" attitude.
It's a sad and destructive disability, and it's hard when the disability "belongs" to one you have loved so dearly.
I hope the best for you in your decisions.
My sympathies to you, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Lady
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Would you respect her if she had diabetes? She didn't wish this illness on herself. Yes she cheated and for that respect is lost. But it can be earned back depending on her actions from here on out. My WH is actively cheating and I still respect parts of his personality. He's financially caring for his family, aside from being attracted to the sleeze bucket he's a pretty good guy.
In your situation I think you'll need soooo much patience with her, I'm sure you must already have patience to have dealt with her for so long. It just takes more when a spouse has an illness whether it's physical or mental.
SerenitySoon
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