Hi everyone, I am new to this board, but at this point I am searching for all the help I can get before making a life altering decision.

I have been engaged to a guy not once, but twice now. (same guy) In the past he cheated, sneaked around and lied to me. Eventually all the anger and fears it brought up in us caused us to break off the engagement and stay apart for a year. Before leaving the first time I asked my SO to go with me to a counselor or a pastor and us talk about how to get past my hurt and fears. He refused to go saying he had no issues, it was all me. That I needed to get over it. I went without him and the counselor/pastor that I saw said emphatically to ask him one last time to get help with me to work through this and if he refused RUN and never look back. When he refused I did leave.... but I looked back a year later.

Fastforward to a year later. We are back together. Only this time not only with the baggage of the past from the first time together, but this time we are with the baggage of the year apart (that being the woman who is pissed off that he broke up with her so she tried to get him fired, the woman that he broke up with before that that sends him emails saying she loves him, and the emails from the woman he dated a time or two that sends him photos of her in low cut dresses... he came with yet.. more women!)

No matter how I have tried to "trust him" as he demands that I just have to do, I am finding that hard in the midst of emails continuing to visit us from the past women. He just can't seem to understand how that continues to feed the issues. He says he can't control what they do and therefore it isn't his fault. Okay, perhaps I will give him that, however, the issue here is that I asked him YET AGAIN to go with me to address why I can't get past the fear and help me to help us make this work. And guess what!!!!!! He refused siting that he had no issues, it was all my issue and he would absolutely NOT go with me to talk about it. That he didn't want people to know his business. (well geeze half the town knows the business of the woman trying to get him fired!!) I asked him was he saying that his pride and what people thought of him was more important that working through this with me and he said "I guess it is". He said he didn't want me to go, but if the choice was go to therapy with me or lose me he guess he would simply walk away.

I told him that I would admit that the issue is me... ALL me. NO embarrassment to him. He said for me to go by myself since it is my issue. That he was NOT going. I told him I guess I would be packing and leaving tomorrow and he said that was fine.

He got up, walked out to go to... choir practice!!! Came home ate something, told me goodnight and went to bed!

I consulted with my pastor this time around (different pastor) and he told me that if he refused to seek help for me... with me.... and said he had no issue (because if I have one and he loves me he has one too) then it was time to walk away. So now I have had two different counselors tell me the same thing, a year apart.

Even though I know in my head leaving the relationship is the right thing to do if he refuses to see the value in our relationship and seek help with me for me..... my heart is breaking.

What do you guys think??

You've gotten good advice from the two different pastors. Your fiance has been brutally honest that he doesn't value his relationship with you and would rather put everything else above it. You shouldn't get married to someone who discounts your feelings. Especially when they are in regards to legitimate issues like being in contact with ex-girlfriends.

Thanks so much for your response. I am not sure why I feel so shocked. I find myself simply saying "I can't believe this!" I don't know why I am so shocked though. And it hurts to know that the man that tells you that he loves you more than life is the same man that tells you you can get over something totally discounting that it is truly an issue for you, and telling you that he would choose being out of the relationship before he would agree to help. I know packing and leaving tomorrow is the right thing to do, but none the less my heart hurts. All of a sudden I find myself with a different life than I planned. I will survive it, but I just can't understand someone believing that they have nothing to talk about or work on when the fears I have are justified by the emails he received last week and this week.

Again, thank you for your response. I am making a big step tomorrow and I want to make sure I have done all I can do to make sure it is the right one.

I just couldn't read without posting. BHHFSGuy is right he doesn't value your relationship.

Counseling with someone who doesn't think they have/or are part of the problem just doesn't work i've found (I have a message on this board that describes how ours went!) You wouldn't have much success there since he is unwilling to change.

Be strong!

I agree. RUN. Do not walk. He will NEVER care more about you than he does himself. In fact, he shows many abusive tendencies, and marriage will only bring those out in force.

Now, I DO want you to go to counseling, because you need to do some serious time finding out why you feel you are not valuable enough to demand better. Ask your counselor to determine whether you have codependent tendencies. Read "Codependent No More." And read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft. It will teach you how to recognize the abusive tendencies in people so that you don't invest in yet another guy like him.

Thank you so much to all of you that cared to share their thoughts and support on this. Today is the day. My heart is very sad although my head knows it is right. In the past I have had a tendency toward "co-dependency" I have been working on this. Perhaps this is finally my strength in knowing what I deserve coming out in me because this morning before he left he came to the guest room and said, "despite what you believe I do love you". I told him I knew that he did, but he just didn't value the relationship enough to do what was necessary to ensure that we can make it work. He stood there and said "I have let you in every facet of my life, and I don't know what more I can do". I told him that he did, he just refuses to do it. He just looked at me and said, "I hope you don't leave". and he walked out. Not heard from again so far!

I have been steady, packing and not had a breakdown yet because for as much as it hurts, I know it is right to do this. I have not asked for anything outrageous, just him to agree to seek help with me for an issue he created in the first place and continues to feed by his current behavior.

It was so hard not to give in and decide to be here when he gets home because I know this could be the end of us completely. However, I also know that if I give in and don't stick with what I want I will have signed on for this behavior forever, because it will be giving him permission to ignore my needs and wishes. I will be giving him permission to not do the things I ask of him such as show up for the relationship even in the hard times.

So, no matter how hard it is, I know it is right. It is just breaking my heart. I have moved all my stuff out an in the car. Just have a few more things to do. I am numb, but I guess numb is better than hurt, angry, scared and sad when someone refuses to help you help the relationship.

Again, thank you so much to all of you. You have been very generous with your time and your support.

You are showing a lot of strength and intelligence and foresight. I applaud you for protecting yourself, and I know you'll be fine, but please keep in touch and let us know how things go.