Hi Faith10,

Please listen to MEDC... he has a ton of experience with this sort of issue.

Based on this latest information, I would NOT expose right now... you need to protect yourself as MEDC recommends before you do anything else...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Faith, I bumped the thread. Ignore a lot of the back and forth stuff that went on early in the thread. Around page 9 it gets to the point.

I will ask FB to check in on you.

I left an email for FB.

MEDC - You are such a good guy!

Faith - See an attorney to protect your family. I have to warn you that if you do what you need to, to protect your family and try to save your marriage, your husband will be furious and may withhold money.

Can you get a job where you are so that you can afford an attorney and some counseling?

thanks B. You are a big help with this kind of stuff too.

good night all.

Sorry everyone...When I wrote I don't know what my H would do, I meant what if he tries to take the kids away from me, or what if he stops paying the huge debt that is in my name, or something to that effect. I don't really think that H would physically hurt the kids or me. As for the OW I don't know what she could do if anything.

Its been a year since my H has called me names or hurt me. The only thing he has done since then is yell when we argue. So he is not abusive.

The past few months when we were with H he kind of withdrew.
He is not controlling...he could care less on what I do. He is probably hoping that I will divorce him so that he doesn't have to pay for it or my attorney.

As for me getting a better paying job well there isn't much where I'm at right now. The best paying jobs are in teaching or nursing but I don't have a degree.

Right now I can't take legal action until I have been in TX for 6 mos.

Sometimes I just feel lost and like this is never going to end. Other times I feel maybe its for the best. I dont know. I love my H so much and I just don't know what he is thinking. I think if he would just open up his eyes...
I just need to be patient cause who knows when this will be resolved.

Well, I can't figure out what there is to like about him, but you must see something in him. Would you consider him a good husband? A good father?

You say you have tons of debt and no degree. What happened there? Could you finish your education now?

I love my H because he is the father of my children. He used to be sooo wonderful the first part of our marriage. He was a loving husband and such a great father.

The past two years something changed. He just became more irritable and more distant. He didn't interact with the children much. He wasn't as loving or close to me as he had been. So to answer your question H used to be a great father and husband.

Yes tons of debt. What happened was that H had taken a lower paying job with Govt (I had actually talked him into it...now thats how he met OW) So we were kind of living off of my cc to buy food, gas and stuff.

I went to college just never finished. Close but didn't finish. Right now I do want to go back. However since I'm in TX I would be charged out of state tuition, which would be very expensive. I'd have to be a Tx resident for a year before I qualify for in state tuition. As for financial aide not sure if I would qualify since i would have to put down H income.

Hi Faith10,

I'm sure you DO love your H... but please, listen to MEDC.

He's dealt with MANY similar sitations like this and I can bet that most of the women that he's helped will say that their H's weren't 'abusing' them...

You need to protect yourself and your children before you deal with the A...

I hope that you are doing OK...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Faith, my advice is the same. You sound just like every other abuse victim...making excuses for or minimizing what he has done. He is an abuser. Abusers NEVER stop without serious therapy...they may lie low for a while...but he will strike again.

You should not go home and I will continue to beat this drum until it sinks in.

You need help. Don't be afraid to get better.

Hi Faith,

A couple things stuck out to me from your posts..

First, you say he hasn't gotten physical in the last year or so. There was a while in my marriage that my H got a little easier to get along with, too. He just became generally less aggressive, so I thought things were 'getting better'. It turns out he was merely distracted away from me and was turning his attention to the OW.

Abuse is a cycle that escalates. Verbal bullying is abuse. Control is abuse. Pulling your hair, pushing you, etc. is abuse. Adultery is abuse. This is a pattern.

I was in your position a year ago. My H cheated on me.. he kicked me out too, 9 months pregnant...he eventually ended it, then came begging for forgiveness for his 'emotional affair'. I forgave him. I went back. Two weeks later, I found out he had in fact slept with her. I forgave him again, but it was really hard for me to get past the fact that he'd lied to get me back. I thought I was doing the right thing. The thing that *I thought* God's word told me to do. What I've learned now is that our God is a loving God and would not want anyone in a situation where there is abuse. ESPECIALLY where there are children involved. You may not realize it, but they feel the tension. I know that now because I have seen the difference it has made in both my 2 1/2 year old and my 1 year old to be away from the tension.

Anyway, during the year that we were 'reconciling' he manipulated and controlled me worse than ever before. He abused OTC drugs, prescription pills and alcohol. He manipulated me by supposedly 'attempting suicide'... I had to keep things together, take care of our babies, AND I was carrying the burden of the heartbreak of the affair.

On Thanksgiving he punched the wall, broke his hand and told me I was lucky it wasn't my face.

He told me several times that he would beat the crap out of a stranger if he saw them treating our kids the way I did. (Indirect threat.)

On Dec. 30, he hit me while holding our son and he pushed me in front of our kids. The police were called and he voluntarily went to stay at his parents'.

Even then, I only thought about 'how are we going to work this out'?

I stepped out in faith and believed MEDC and believer and others when they told me he was abusive. I thought I was totally overreacting. I wasn't.

I went to a shelter... it was the best decision I've ever made. It's been about a month and a half and in that time, I've gotten tons of counseling, free legal aid, a job, my own apartment, child care, a professional wardrobe ... But most of all, I have PEACE.

Just call a shelter and talk to someone. You may not need or want to actually stay at one, but they have all sorts of outpatient programs, group counseling, individual counseling, counseling for your children, that you can get involved in and its usually free.

I am more than willing to help if you need direction.

Wow FB...You should be proud of yourself and the changes you have made. You are a good woman!

Thanks for checking in.

Sorry to TJ but so good to see you Fireblossom. Hope all is well with you, it sounds like things are going good.

FB, I'm so glad to hear from you. I've thought of you several times and wondered how you were. I'm so happy for you!

/TJ

Thanks Rif, MEDC, Believer. I won't be going back home any time soon.

FB incredable story. I had read your post and I'm so thankful that things have worked out for you and your children. I just can't believe some men.

What you wrote down really struck a nerve specifically :

'our God is a loving God and would not want anyone in a situation where there is abuse. ESPECIALLY where there are children involved."

When we were living with H there was so much tension. I felt as if I were walking on eggshells, cause I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

I just don't know what to do. I mean I'am going to call about getting some counseling. But as far as my marriage goes- clueless. In 4 months I will have to decide wether I want to file for child custody & cs or both and divorce. (Unless H decides to file first)

I feel torn about divorce. My parents are still married. And I just thought that it would be the same for me. My 4 year old talks about going back to Fl. She misses her toys, her room, and of course her dad.

Today my daughter asked me if we were going to return. I said I didn't know because her dad made other plans that didn't include us. I told her we might get a place here to call our new home. Her response 'maybe we can find a new daddy too' What am I supposed to say to that?

I just dreamed of having my kids grow up with my H and me together in a happy home. Is that too much to ask for?

I always dreamed of my kids growing up in a conventionally happy home, with mommy and daddy, too. A happy home is not too much to ask for for yourself and for your kiddos. Stability, a sense of security, safety, comfort, peace, are also right up there on the important list.

I don't want to, in any way, minimize the effects of divorce. I am not an advocate of divorce. My parents are still married, too. They'll be married 40 years this summer. Every one of my siblings is married and there are no divorces among them. Divorce is ugly, but sometimes it IS necessary. I personally believe that divorce does make God sad. But he is also the protector of the innocent, meaning you and your young children and IMO divorce is the lesser of evils in some situations.

I also don't want to minimize the effects of witnessing or being subjected to abuse. You have a choice to make, and only you can make it. Only YOU can decide if you've had enough. Only you can decide for your kids if you want them to be around that growing up.

Of course your daughter misses her things and her daddy. This is a transition, and it will pass. It will take time, but she will adjust, and she'll be adjusting to a more stable environment that will be much more healthy for her. Don't think short term here. What kind of environment is best for you and your kids' overall well being in the long run? Is that possible with your H?

Counseling is a really good idea. Look in your phone book under shelters and find a number for a crisis line for domestic violence... you may or may not need the shelter, but they have TONS of resources that they can put at your fingertips. They may be able to help you get into some counseling programs. You can work through a lot of your feelings regarding divorce with a counselor.

You know you can't go back right now as it is. You know you need some counseling. Start there. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. Take it one step at a time and you'll get where you want to be.

Hugs to you, Fireblossom.

Also call United Way. They have tons of resources.

As for your D wanting her daddy...would she still want him if he again becomes abusive and she has to watch while he pushes and hits her mother, or worse yet, starts doing it to her? You may miss him and want a husband, but you owe her the gift of NOT going back to him. I always tell people that, once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more. I don't mean selfish in a bad way, but rather, the welfare of the kids will - or should - forever supercede any other feelings.

Thankyou FB and Catperson.

My H hasn't called to see how we are, he is living in his own little world right now. As of right now there is no chance of us going back to him since he doesnt' want that.

In my family there really isn't any divorces. On my H side there is a trail. All his siblings are divorced so were his parents. Perhaps thats why he doesn't know what marriage is supposed to be.

If things continued the way we left off, then it would be best if we went our seperate ways. However, if both of us got some counseling than there would be hope.

I'm just tired of this. I thought this would be resolved in a few weeks. But its been 2 1/2 months. I'm just going to let this go and give to the Lord.

Good plan. And then continue working on making a nice life for you and your children. Get child support and custody. Don't be in a hurry to divorce, and don't be in a hurry to move back with him. Take your time, get counseling and let the Lord work in your life.

Thankyou Believer, that sounds like a plan to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />