We have been married for 18 years and together for 20. We have two children. H is in the military on an 18 month unaccompanied tour. The affair has been going on since Sept. but I officially found out in Dec. (found evidence) when H came home on 2 weeks leave. H has been spending lots of money (on OW)and has changed his image, interest, and has made sure not to have anything in common w/his family anymore (diconnected). He has asked for a Separate Maintanence agreement (legal binding document similar to a legal Separation). And, has mentioned divorce in the future. He calls when ever he feels like it but has been good about e-mailing his children. The kids are very confused because he has always been dedicated father until now. He has just admitted to his mother that he is having an A (with a local woman)and that it has been going on for 5 months now. His family does not approve and is planning some family intervention. I didn't ask them to do this and I really am not sure that it will work. Because he is away from home does anyone have any advice on the best way to handle this situation. Is there hope? What is the best way for me to interact with him (friendly, business like, don't talk to him at all...?). Everything that i have read suggest that the A has to end before progress can be made but I don't know if it is possible for this A to end when he is So far away. Any advice would be appreciated!! Thanks!

Welcome to MB, peg, but sorry for your reason for being here.

RIF is deployed military and hopefully he will see your post and respond soon.

In the meantime, read all you can on this site. There is hope but it will take much time, work, effort and prayer.

Again, welcome.

Ace

Read all about Plan A here. It is showing him what a great wife you can be. Also it includes exposure of the affair. Do you think the affair is with another military member? If so, you need to inform his CO.

Hi peg10,

Welcome to MB!

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this during your H's UA-Tour.

Have you read any of the articles here on the MB site? If not, please start reading so you can learn some of the dynamics of an A. There is a section on Plan-A and that will be an important 'tool' for you to use as well.

For now, I would NOT sign ANY LSA... Your H is required to provide for you and your childeren. If there is ANY question on this, please make an appointment with your local JAG office... in fact, I would recommend doing that immediately in order to protect yourself and your childeren's finances.

It is VERY difficult to work on the M while you are separated. I think it is great that HIS family is willing to step in and help. It will be hard to intervene from a distance but look for some ways to expose this A. Exposure will help bring the A to an end.

I would contact his CO and inform him of your H's A. They may or may not do anything, but you should at least let them know that you are depending on your H's income to support the family and that his A is placing a financial hardship on the family.

In the meantime, you should work on a good Plan-A whenever he calls to talk with the kids. It will be very hard, but please don't try to get into any deep relationship discussions. If the CO does help, your H will be angry with you... when he tells you "it's over", "if you hadn't reported this, we might have had a chance...", "I'll never forgive you..." Blah Blah Blah... just know that he will be following the Wayward Spouse script to the letter!

Stand firm and just say that you are fighting for your M and then ask him how the weather is... State your boundary and then move on to another subject and don't get sucked into long-distance arguments over the phone or e-mail.

Please keep posting here and let us know if you have any specific questions. There are lots of great people here tha can offer you support and help. This is a great place to come and vent your frustrations so that you don't vent them at your H.

Finally, if you haven't told your childeren the truth, then I would definitely let them know that their father is in an inappropriate relationship and that you are fighting for the M. I suspect that they already know that something is wrong, but keeping them in the dark about this will only hurt them more.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Good Morning peg10,

I just wanted to bump your thread up this morning before it drops off to the second page...

I hope you're doing better this morning...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hello,

Just realized you are in Afghanistan. Hope you are hanging in there and doing well!

My H is in South America where he is living like a king. He has a maid, driver, and the OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The A started in Sept. 07. H asked for a separation and it was like a bomb being dropped on my world. Everyone thought we were doing well and would never suspect H would be having an A. In Oct. he said that he wanted to work on our marriage and how wonderful it would be for the kids to see our marriage growing stronger..yada, yada, yada! I found out that he had brought her to Florida on a little vacation before he did this. Maybe he felt quilty who knows! Then he came home for Christmas and spent two weeks with us and his family. He was diconnected again and told me that he "just doesn't feel like trying". That is when I snooped and found all kinds of goodies...pictures, love notes, phone numbers, names, oh yeah and condoms. I actually made copies of the pictues just in case. He is use to being in control and me just going with the flow. I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up and how much control he had over me until we started going through this. I have been getting stronger and working on these issues.

I have been w/ my husband since I was 17yrs old..I have worked through out our marriage but the jobs I have had didn't require a college education or business skills. Because he was away often at our last duty station, we agreed that I would stay home. So, I haven't worked in about 4 years now. I supported him while he got his BA and advanced in his military career. Now he is doing well and is due to retire in 2 years.

The OW is a local woman and is 5 years younger. His mother has contacted an Aunt that lives over there and who happens to see my H occasionally. The Aunt asked my H why he didn't bring his wife and kids over there and he said because we are having problems. He basically told her that it was my fault. His mother told the Aunt that it wasn't true and that my H has another woman. Now they want to talk to him. My father-in-law is going over there for a visit and that is when he is planning the intervention. I know this will make him angry but I am hoping that it will help. It does make it hard to work on this when we are separated. I read Plan A and Plan B. The affair is exposed over here it just needs to be exposed over there. Right now the family over there thinks he is a GREAT guy.

When he came home in Dec. I told him that we needed to talk to his children. Of course he tried to avoid this but I finally talked him into it the day before he was leaving. He basically told the girls that he has been feeling this way for a year and he guessed he was tired of me complaining and nagging. Our oldest daughter told him that that wasn't a good enough reason to break up a family and that he complains more than mom. Then she asked him if he has another woman because a year ago everything was fine. She said she didn't notice any problems until about 2 months into this assignment. Of course he denied it! Half of the things he said while he was here made NO sense and he was lying constantly.

I have been really calm considering. When I talk to him I do my best to keep the emotion out...this seems to bug him. He has instigated with the kids a few times and has attempted to put me in the middle. I usually just tell him that I am sure he can handle working his misunderstandings out with the kids by himself. I did set up counseling appointments for them. They are good kids but thier grades have dropped and I can tell that they are really hurt right now.

He was spending money like crazy and running up the CC. This was the first major red flag because he has always been good with money and we were saving. We have come to an agreement and he is giving us enough money to support the household. Unfortunately I am not near a base. I did call the nearest base and was informed that I would be better off contacting a local attorney who is familiar with the military. I have seen an attorney who did suggest the Separate Main. agreement and to wait for two years this way we will have been married 20 years (full benefits). I would like to make the marriage work but sometimes I wonder if there really is any hope for us. He can be so cold and distant. Plus he is so far away. I contacted his FSG (in another state) and he was a nice guy. I did this anonymously and he basically said that it really depends on CO. Every CO is different and I know if I make that move I will NO longer have the support of his family. I am pretty sure that his coworkers including the maj. above him knows because of the stories he was telling me....Any more suggestions are appreciated! Thanks to all!

This is one of the reasons that a good Plan-A is effective... he's not expecting this. He's expecting you to blow up at him and be angry... that way, he can JUSTIFY his A because you're being "mean" to him!

Is your H on an assignment with the State Department or on a deployment? If he's with the State Department, then you could contact the Embassy and ask to speak with his CO or direct supervisor.

I think his parents involvement is great!!! Hopefully they will 'knock' some sense into their son!

Keep up your Plan-A and try not to fall into his babble and start discussing relationship stuff...

Semper Fi,

RIF

He is not on a deployment and is at the Embassy. I have considered letting them know but there are several reasons I have not. I am hoping that his families involvement will help.

He has avoided contact with me for the most part. In the beginning he was extremely COLD but then he just became indifferent. I wonder sometimes if he has any feelings at all! But, when he was here he looked warn out (depressed) and he got tears in his eyes several times. Even when he was telling me that he "just didn't feel like trying to work on our marriage". My H never really cries. He had said that he has been very emotional lately more than he has ever been in his whole life. i guess she is helping him through these emotional times. Do you think it is quilt and if he didn't care about us he wouldn't be crying, right? He just recently talked to me on the phone and e-mailed me a few times. My H is a coward and an avoider so I would imagine that it would be hard for him to come back here and fix all the damage that has been done.

I just hope that the OW starts to slip up and not look so great (in his eyes) soon. How long do these affairs usually last? Rif, I imagine that you have come across other military families who are separated who are going through the same situation. How do they make it work when the husband is so far away??

Hi peg10,

I'm betting that one of the "reasons" that you aren't willing to expose is the fear that your H will lose his job and that he will blame you...

If he DID lose his job, it wouldn't be your fault. It would be 100% HIS fault for having an A. I suspect that the worst thing that they would do is end his tour early and send him on another assignment.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family, but I can almost assure you that if nothing is done to expose the A, then your M will have ZERO chance of recovering until the A is over.

I can also bet that his folks will have little effect on him once they return to the states.

Thankfully I haven't met any fellow soldiers on this deployment that are dealing with A's... but I met with several on my last deployment in 2004-2005. All of them had wives that were cheating on them while they were deployed... It's very sad, but it does happen.

It's almost impossible to really "work" on the M when one spouse is deployed. I normally advise the BS to expose the A, then work a distant Plan-A by phone and e-mail. This means no serious relationship talks on the phone or by e-mail. The BS should work on themselves as much as they can and wait until the deployment is over.

The reason I advise this is because it's so easy to mis-communicate your feelings over the phone and the internet. Affair related discussions are normally pretty heated to begin with, so there's no sense in wasting precious phone/computer time fighting when nothing is going to get accomplished.

Hopefully your H's parents can bring him back to his senses... but I suspect that once they leave, your H will go back to his "drug of choice"... which is the OW.

If you want to wait and see if that has an effect, then I would strongly suggest that you NOT mention anything about this to your H and let his parents try and intervene.

Do you know how to contact his supervisor at the Embassy if his parents aren't successful?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Here are some of the reasons I don't want to go to his CO:
*He is due for promotion soon and this can hurt his chances
*He may get angry enough and stop finacially supporting us
*His family will no longer be supportive and even my own brother is against it (retired military)
*His commander may do nothing at all
*I worry that he will distance himself ever more from the kids now and in the future because he is SO angry.

I hate that he is so far away. I feel hopeless! It will be nice if his family that is living there (where H is)does intervene too. This way he will not have any support over there. How long do these affairs usually last? He should be filling out his dream sheet now but he hasn't mentioned it. And, in his eyes we are getting divorced. So, he is going to put down places he can go without us or I think he may try and stay where he is longer! Should I ask him about his dream sheet? We don't discuss relationship stuff since he came home in Dec. He just acts like it is already over and I honestly didn't fight him on getting the Separate Main. agreement. It hasn't been done yet but he wants me to retain an attorney with our income tax return.

I do know how to contact his FSG over at Davis-Monthan. He is a nice guy but doesn't know what my H's CO will do because he doesn't know the CO very well (new CO). I know I could call him if I needed to. I had mentioned it once to his mother and she freaked out.

Hey peg10,

I don't know how long the A will last. Most A's will eventually die a natural death once the "fantasy" dries up and real-life sets in. However, Your H has the 'convenience' of being apart from you and the kids with nobody to keep him in check.

If you haven't done so, I would speak with the JAG and let them know what's going on so that THEY can help you protect your finances. By law, your H must provide support for you and the children.


* His poor choice to have an A may hurt his chances for promotion...
* He WILL get angry because the exposure will ruin all of his "fun"... that is why it's important for you to secure your finances BEFORE you expose.
* If his family doesn't support the M and decency, then IMHO, they're not much 'family' for you, and you don't need that kind of "help".
* His commander will have to abide by any legal documents instructing your H to provide support for you and the children. The last thing a Commander wants is "personal" problems interfering with his mission. He will HAVE to do something if this is brough to his attention. If he chooses not to help, then HE has a Commander as well... you go to his boss, and so on. EVERYONE in the military answers to someone... keep trying until you get relief.
* He WILL be angry! ...and I'm sorry to say it, but he's already distanced himself from you and the kids. He's having an A. He will keep 'enjoying' himself until pressure is brought on the A through exposure.

One point that you always need to keep in mind when talking with his chain of command... Be CALM, Be Specific, and Be Factual. You need to really be in control of your emotions when you contact his CofC... a hysterical woman, crying on the phone won't get nearly as far as a calm, profesional woman that presents SPECIFIC FACTS.

If you DO decide to expose to his CofC, then I wouldn't discuss this with your brother or his family. THEY are not the ones who's spouse is in an A. Yes, he is family, but this is affecting YOU and your CHILDREN.

As long as things are flowing along smoothly, your H has no reason whatsoever to get rid of this OW.

The choice is yours... Your M can survive your H's anger, but it can't survive a on-going A.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Just another thought...

Perhaps you could talk with your Father-in-law and share some of what you've learned here... and ask HIM to speak with his son and possibly his CO... let your FIL know that HE can help put pressure on the A, and it might be enough to end the A without having to contact his CO...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I am going to talk to my MIL and FIL again. I know he will not be happy about the family over there finding out because they think he is an awesome guy and his Aunt's husband happened to have had an A a long time ago. The Uncle ended up going back to the M. His family is so different from my family. They love drama and some of them are very deceitful. My H has become very deceitful and cold. I wonder sometimes if this has always been inside of him and now it is fully coming to the surface. We have been away from home since we were 19yrs. old.

Today I am feeling down and wondering if I should bother to try. He has been selfish,insensitive, and such a liar to me and the kids. My oldest struggles with her self image. She told her father that she wanted to get a jump rope because she needed it because she is fat. He told her it was a good idea because she is so thick. Normally he wouldn't say something like this to her because he knows how sensitive she is but these are some of things he has been pulling lately. I feel like he knows (maybe subconsciously) that it will get back to me and make me upset. They are getting hurt by his actions and I have to find the right words to say so that I am not really saying anything bad about their father.

We don't deserve to be going through this. Did I mention that he told his mother that he thinks he "may love her a little". Is that possible? Come on! They had been seeing eachother just a few weeks when he bought her a heart necklace from Zales and she wrote on a napkin "te quiero mucho"....I was flashing back to high school. Already telling eachother that they love eachother. Is this norm? I thought it was just infatuation but then I questioned myself after my MIL told me about his confession.

I am sorry but I am frustrated! I am tired of hurting and watching my children hurt! Thanks for your support.

Hey peg10,

Your H's actions seem to be following the WS-Script... of course it's hard for you to believe that he's already "in love" with this OW... that's part of the pull of an A. And yes, it's pretty much the same as a High-School crush at first...

I know how 'out of control' you must feel right now, but really you have more control than you think.

I would be very careful when dealing with your in-laws... they are either FOR the M, or they are enabling the A. If they aren't willing to help end this A and give you and your H a chance to rebuild the M, then I wouldn't seek any more support from them.

If your FIL is successful in the intervention that will really help... but if he isn't, are you prepared to fully expose to his Chain of Command?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey Rif,

I really am not sure if I am ready to expose the A to his CO. I am definitely considering it but hoping that the intervention will work.

The only way for me to guarantee that he continues to finacilly support us is to do the Separate Maint. Agreement. I could always do that and refuse to actually get divorced but I am not sure how that works. I do know that we have to pay a $2500. retainer fee to do that (SMA). He wants me to do it once we get our tax return back. He has been paying the bills. He told me to open my own account and he did the same thing. This is around the same time he started to Separate our accounts. I guess he wanted me to know that he meant business and that we were definitely heading for D.

Did I mention that he told the kids when he left that we were going to separate and that he would see a counselor over there. So, the kids really don't know what is going on. They just know that dad is not acting like himself and that we are separated. I really don't know what to say to them.

You mentioned that you knew a few people who went through a(being deployed & infidelity) similar situation like mine. Did their marriage survive?

It is hard for me to believe that he is "in love" with the OW. When he was here he dropped a few hints about this relationship. He said I feel like I am living a double life and that I missed out on having a Spanish family. At one point he even mentioned not knowing if he "ever felt emotionally attached" to his children. Now that is BULL!! I told him that I felt like he was trying to rationalize and justify the choices and decisions that he has been making. He is the same guy who cried when his kids were born, read to them every night, and cuddle every Sat. morning...! We did everything together as a family. It was sad that he could stoop that low to convince himself that what he is doing is okay. I think the OW has children but I am not sure.

You said I have more control than I think I do.....I wish I felt that way.

Thanks,
Peg

It's me again....Just sitting here thinking!! I keep going over in my head all the crap I have put up with over the years and wondering what I need to do. My H hasn't been the easiest person to live with (moody,very selfish,and controlling). I always just thought it could be worse. Now I am thinking it could be better...maybe! I didn't think our marriage was bad or in trouble if I compared it to friends but then again what do I know. This is all I have known for SO long! To everyone on the outside we seemed like a happy family. He was my best friend and I thought I was his.

You know, when he came home we hardly recognised him. He bought a completely new wardrobe(South American style), different hair style, listened to mostly Spanish music, spoke spanish with an accent (he never had before), walked differently, ate different foods, watched Spanish channels on t.v., and even changed his signature. Our children were and are SO confused...That is why I wonder if he is going through a midlife/idenity crisis too or is just the A?

peg

It is very common to take up the habits of the affair partner.

I would stall the divorce or separation agreement. Affairs almost always die. This one may last longer because the OW may be looking for a ticket out of there.

I would also notify is CO. It doesn't do you any good if he gets promoted and marries her after your divorce.

Hey peg,

One of the M didn't work out, two of the other ones are still rebuilding...

In all three cases, the H's were deployed and their W's were the WS.

You have control because you have the tool of exposure. Exposure will bring the A to a quicker end. Your H isn't worried about anything now because he doesn't have to "answer" to anyone about his OW... Once the A is exposed, it won't be nearly as much "fun" for him as it is now.

Depending on the age of your children, I would seriously consider telling the the TRUTH... you don't have to get into the nitty-gritty details, but THEY need to know the truth. They can handle the truth and it will keep them from thinking that THEY had some part in all of these "family issues"...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey,

Well, we met with a counselor today. He was nice but a little strange. My oldest liked him and felt very comfortable with him. The youngest said he was strange. She didn't want to go in the first place and let me know that she didn't want to go back again. I let him know where my H is currently on tour and about the OW (no kids in room). He wasn't surprised and said that it would be hard to work on our relationship since my H is so far away. We didn't have a chance to discuss if or when I should tell the kids about the OW.

The counselor wants me to start doing more for myself. I need to get more hobbies. He actually asked me if I started to date. It is funny but I have had other people ask me that. Well, NO is the answer since I am not D or even legally separated. I think he just wanted me to know that he didn't think it was a good idea for me to jump into another relationship....like the Hubby did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today I found out thet there may be a few family members over there that know about the OW. I guess my H has been making our marriage sound like it has been terrible for awhile now. His mother is still fighting for our marriage and let the Aunt know that the marriage was good until H went over there.

Yesterday was a rough day for me! I was really down in dumps. It sucks when you are rejected! I can't wait for life to go back to normal and be peaceful again. No more pain or drama would be nice.

I feel that I know him but I don't completely know him or maybe I just don't know the NEW him. Maybe this deceitful person has been inside of him all along and has finally come to surface. It is nice to come here to vent and get support....thanks!

Peg

Oh yeah,

Funny you should mention it.....My mother-in-law actually mentioned that the OW probably see's a ticket out and my MIL happens to be from this country!!! But you know what, my H should no better. He has been in the military for 18 years now and we have seen happen to people before.