Hi everyone,

I had posted on this before and would like to start a new thread.

Need some advice. My WW and I filed our dissolution papers today and it will go before a judge in 30 to 90 days. If nothing changes, our marriage will be over.

I still love my WS but felt like this was something I needed to do. She has been having an affair with a 29 year old man (WW is 48) for about a year. She has been moved out for 5 weeks and living in her own appartment for 1 week.

I want the dissolution to take place to protect my assets in case she never comes back, but I was wondering if there would be anything I could/should do to try and get her back. I miss her so much but she is caught up right now in the A.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated in this matter.

wrk

Sorry about that. I think that since you have already filed the papers to just let it be. Maybe one day your spouse will regret what she has done. Might even try to come back to you, who knows. But from this point on try to just move forward and don't look back. I know you love her but one day all of this will pass. Good luck.

well wrk I suppose its up to you - what do YOU want to do?

I am certainly not saying you were wrong not to file, not one tiny bit. I do feel you need to post exactly what you have done under the Plan A you said you have done and for how long, as that may alter the advice of some of the really smart people here who have a lot of experience.

It will help give you the advice you need.

I suspect it will be a good solid Plan B of complete no contact but depends what you have done before. You may want to keep it friendly as you can until the financials are signed then see about plan B.

wife tells me the weekend is slow these days so you may need to wait to get some vets around

you might want to ring the Dr Harley above as well, now theres a real expert on this stuff, I'm pretty sure his wife does counselling as well but whoever you get will be a load better than me mate.

I still think that there is no way a 29 yr old will stay with a 48yr old woman when it's through an affair, well maybe if she's rich, its just too vast a difference in life experiences. Its just that by then you may no longer feel too much love for her and won't want her back, thats just part of the risk they take.

You are probably a lot better off and spend some $$$ on a professional at this stage. Even if its advice to D at least you know you did about everything to hold up your end.

Yes, I also feel I should maintain contact until the court hearing is over. We have agreed to the terms and I don't want that to change. I have exposed the A to my 2 daughters and wives old co-workers. The in-laws already knew. I have bettered myself and the home is warm and inviting. She knows to call if she needs anything, but that hasn't happened.

wrk

This is so hard, I miss her so much but I just cant get through to her. Am I wasting my time hoping for her to come back? I just think she has made a big mistake and I want her to wake up and realize what has happened. How long should I endure this?

wrk

Dr. Harley usually recommends waiting 18-24 months, as affairs usually die out by that time if they've been exposed.

Ok, thanks BHHFSGuy. Time will tell. I guess each day will get a little easier.

wrk

I started no contact with her Friday.

wrk

WRK, sorry to hear this...

Have you spoken w/ the Harleys?

No, I haven't spoken with Harleys. I am waiting for the Surviving an Affair to read.

wrk

WW called Sunday to talk and ask about youngest daughter and how she was doing. Youngest daughter (age 18) still doesn't want anything to do with her mom. She also stated that she and OM plan to marry. What's your take on this? Our marriage isn't even dissolved yet and they are already planning marriage.

Thanks for input/advice,
wrk

Can you slow down a bit?

You appear 2 be on edge all the time waiting for the next shoe 2 drop.

Why wait until you've got SAA 2 read? Call the Harleys and make an appointment right away. It might take a week or 2 before they can fit you in anyway.

When was d-day?

I agree that because she's moved out and intends 2 marry this child, you needed 2 separate your finances. That was a good move.

But you can still plan A, and probably need 2 for your own sake if not for the M.

Mostly, you need 2 get yourself on firmer emotional footing. The Harleys can help you do that.

Then, you need a good personal recovery plan. And maybe later, a good marital recovery plan.

-ol' 2long

You are right 2long, I am on edge. I have been married for 24 years and alot of things just don't make since. D-day happened 2-3-08. She had moved out 5 weeks prior to that. I was so naive to all of this. She was the one that finally admitted to having the year long affair with the 29 year old OM (WW is 48). I never saw it coming. I think I will try to set up an appointment with the Harley's.

Thanks everyone and keep the advice coming in!
wrk

Hi WRK,

Slow down my friend...

My WW and her OM were planning on getting married some time ago as well. That "plan" was pure fantasy and the exposure, to include some very frank comments to her from my children, and the slow but steady realization that OM was not worthy put many, if not the final, nail in that coffin.

This is a war, not just a battle. I'm at the 2+ yr point and still here...

Take time for you, and if you haven't yet, read ARK's "be still" thread...

L2F

wrk,

I think you're doing the right thing ... protect your assets and yourself by going through with the negotiated settlement that you are comfortable with and proceed to Plan D.

Nothing says you can't reconcile after the fact, but protect yourself first. Don't be persuaded to stop the D on the "hope" that she may come to her senses and things will work out. Take care of BUSINESS now, and let the personal stuff evolve as it will seperately.

Thanks Learning2Fly and MyRevelation,

I know this is going to take some time to see how everything works out.

wrk