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WW drove to meet OM last Sunday and Monday and lied to me about where she went both nights. Tuesday I sent her an email without telling her I knew she was lieing about where she went and told her she needed to make a decision. She could choose to work on our marriage or she could choose OM.

She emailed back and told me she didn't want to see me continue to be hurt and said if I needed to move on she understood. She also said that she didn't know what was going to happen with OM and she didn't want to discuss it.

Tuesday night I boiled over and called OM and we got into an extremely heated conversation. My WW got home in the midst of this conversation and was shocked that I was so furious. She then went through the range of emotions of blaming me for what has happened to us to apologizing for what she has done.

She then explained to me that she is just completely numb emotionally and has no feelings toward me at all and didn't know what it was going to take for her to be happy. I asked her if she would be willing to get some individual counseling just to talk to someone about what she is going through and she tentatively agreed to do so.

She has had several things happen throughout her life with men that has torn her down emotionally and spirtually. Any my dishonesty regarding business finances and the lack of physical affection has contributed to this. However for the last several months I have been in Plan A and have continued to show her and tell her that I have and would do anything to work on our marriage and make her happy.

She said that she doesn't know if she will ever feel the same way about me physically again and is not sure if she ever wants to even work on our marriage or a relationship with anyone else for that matter because of her fear of being hurt again.

Since our conversation on Tuesday night I have continued to try and get her to schedule a counseling appointment for individual counseling as a firt step, but to date she hasn't scheduled it.

I have since found out that since last Tuesday her relationship with the OM has ended (at least for now) and that there has been no contact for 3 days. I know this is a short amount of time, but this is longer than she has ever gone before when they had previously ended their relationship and the no contact lasted less than 24 hours.

Last night she wanted to make it clear to me that she wanted me to feel free to date other people if I wanted to, but that she didn't feel like we would ever be together again and as of now wasn't even willing to try.

I feel like she will try and develop another relationship with someone else to fill the void and loneliness she is feeling right now or as a distraction if nothing else, but is not willing to put forth any energy into rebuilding our marriage.

My biggest fear is that she will just start seeing someone else and this whole emotional roller coaster will start all over again.

I thought that when the affair ended with OM that would be when we could begin to think about recovery and rebuilding, but it seems now that there is no hope for that and I am lost on what to do or say.

I need some advice on what could possibly going on in her head and how to proceed because although I continue to Plan A it certainly doesn't seem to be doing any good whatsoever and I certainly am not going into Plan B if the affair is now over. Your feedback and advice is greatly appreciated.

I read a bit of your story, and while I cannot pretend to know what's in your W's head (other than fog), I can say that your story sounds very similar to mine.

My ex moved out saying that she needed to clear her head, and that it was not "the end". But in reality she maintained contact with OM, hoping to end up with him.

I went into Plan B, and exposed her affair, which promptly ended when his W told him that she will make sure he never saw his kids again if he continued the A - and of course he folded like a house of cards.

But, my ex did not come running back to me. Rather, she went into a tailspin, whining about "woe is me", how confused/messed up she was, how wonderful and great I was, and how not ready she was to be involved with anyone until getting years of therapy. I listened to her ramblings, but knew that actions were louder than words.

And her actions were that after a month of "mourning" and whining, she found another guy to date, whom she went on to marry. So much for "years of therapy".

Anyway, FWIW, this sounds a lot like your W - affair may be crumbling, but she does not want to try the relationship again. I don't know what I could have done differently, I think she had a lot of resenment built up, and had the attitude that "I never go back, always move forward" - something that I think really meant "I am too weak to admit mistakes, I prefer to run away from them".

I guess your actions would depend on what Plan you are in - if you are still Plan Aing, you can be the rock in her turmoil. I know I tried that, but I got so sick of her using me for support and then going out and hooking up with OM and then the new OM, that I would not necessarily recommend it. I think that if you do that, you will only make it easier for her to transition to single life, find another guy, etc.

I would go for a Plan B at this point - not to punish her, but to protect yourself and your sanity.

I hope this helps.

AGG

It is way to early to assume the A to be over. I'd guess it isn't, and think that until she commits to NC you should assume that it is still ongoing.

However, if it IS over, then this is probably the best opportunity you've had for Plan A to have some effect. IF it is over, then she's going to be going through a withdrawal period. You need to be doing Plan A while trying to emotionally detach yourself from the painful things she is almost definitely going to say and do while she goes through withdrawal.

I hope its over, but be very cautious.

Update:

WW has had NC for 2 weeks now since OM emailed her and told her it was over. She has since begun personal counseling on a 1-on-1 basis with our MC to discuss personal issues and the hurt she is feeling right now that has built up throughout her life.

She has also discarded the items that OM gave her and anything else that has made her think of him.

She asked me to spend the next few weeks with her to help her through the withdrawal she is experiencing and has been very open and honest about the pain she is going through and how much she misses OM. I greatly appreciate her honesty, but it is difficult to hear those types of things in specific detail. I have pretty much just been fulfilling a friend role for her and she calls me anytime she feels like contacting OM to help her through the rough times. She feels a little better every day and tells me how much she appreciates me helping her through this difficult time.

However, she is repeatedly telling me that just because her relationship is over with OM does not mean we are back together and at this time she does not want to work on our marriage. I keep telling myself this is just part of the withdrawal process, but it is still difficult to hear. After everything she has put me through and I am still here to help her get over her boyfriend, then to hear that she doesn't want to lead me on and make me think that we are going to get back together not only hurts terribly, but I feel like I'm completely being used.

I'm operating on Harley's MB principles, but at the end of this painful journey if she doesn't at least try to work on our marriage I am fearful that I am going to have some incredible anger and bitterness about this whole thing.

To be put through this and then to be here for her emotionally after OM ends the affair to help her get through the pain to not ever have a shot at reconciliation is a complete slap in the face and I don't know how I would ever get over that. Forgiving her for the affair is one thing, but I am really worried I would never be able to forgive her for using me in that way. She never once cared about the pain I was going through and only intentionally made it worse every time she went and met OM while repeatedly lying to me about it.

Any ideas on what could be going through her head and how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated.