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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1
M
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1
Last summer/early fall, I started to suspect that my wife's attention was elsewhere. Especially concerning a really good friend of ours. This guy is in the middle of a terrible divorce with a wife that is being diagnosed with serious personality disorders, etc. He's quite miserable. He lives half the country away from us, and all our contact is via IM and email.

I confronted my wife with my suspicions. She said that, yes, she's in love with this man. She insists that she is still very much in love with me and has no intention to ruin our marriage, etc. She claims that nothing I did caused this, and that there is nothing in her eyes wrong with our relationship. She also claims that she just felt a connection with our friend, and it grew into love, and that these feelings are somehow -at the moment- right for her.

I also found out that my best friend is also in love with my wife. He feels guilty about it, but has no intention of ending it.

My wife and I are talking about this when time permits, even though no one is changing their beliefs about all of this. My friend and I have cut off our friendship: I just can't carry on with him knowing he's in love with my wife.

I am wracked with guilt, paranoia, jealousy, etc. I don't know if my wife is with me when we are together, or if she's thinking of this other guy. Despite her claims that nothing in our relationship caused this, I am constantly thinking that there really must be some cause for it.

I feel that if I separate from her (I love her dearly and don't really want that), I would just hurt her. I feel if I insist on her not contacting this man, that I hurt her and him. If I cut off my friendship with him, I hurt him and her.

Do I just bite my lip and let this work itself out, or is there some more proactive solution? I'm having a very hard time living with this.

I should also add that we've been together 18 years and have a 6 year old son. we also both care a lot about this friend that my wife is now "in love" with. I often wonder if her feelings for him are based strongly on empathy for his very miserable situation. we both are strong support for him in his bad times, as he has few friends, etc. Sigh! quite a situation!

any suggestions would be welcome!

Joined: Jul 2007
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
If you are 'wracked with guilt, paranoia, jealousy, etc.' then 'biting your lip' and letting it 'work itself out' is not a solution. Yet you are afraid of hurting your wife and your best friend. Unfortunately, there is no painless solution. Someone (usually everyone) gets hurt. The only way that your wife and you can have a loving relationship again is for the both of you to never see or contact your friend ever again. That's the only way she will ever fall out of love with him and the only way you will not be in constant torment.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me
Joined: Jun 2006
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Posts: 149
I agree with the above poster. My ex had an affair that started with emails and went sexual, when they got together. She was in another state. Counseling....he was to cut off any contact....but would not. He was living in our house....and I could hear him calling her....saying I love you. The only way that the marriage can start to rebuild is to have no contact at all. She is getting her EN met by him....and you are supplying other needs. She has the best of two worlds. If you love your wife....you need to tell her no contact. If this cannot be done....she needs to move out. Hard move....but it is the only move to get her back.

Joined: Aug 2000
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No consequences to her behavior equals no motivation to change. Stop being a doormat. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting.

Joined: Nov 2006
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Long distance affairs are easily cured. Simply stop being a doormat and cut off all access to OM. Tell her that this hurts you and you are not going to allow it to continue. Expose her affair to family and friends as well as OM's family, friends, and wife. Cut off her email, block his address, get spyware to block certain pages, cut off her cell phone, etc. Patrol for secret cell phones and calling cards. Eventually after NC for several months she'll get over it. You must take these threats to your marriage seriously and face them head on. Don't be a doormat and don't be afraid of you WW's reactions. You are doing the right thing.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 270
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Posts: 270
Since my DH's EA (he would deny the title; in his book, only PA's count,) I have a simple rule: He contacts her, we separate. That's it. No more painful nights wondering what he is saying to her THIS TIME about me.

I've never threatened him with a separation, just went through Plan A to see what would happen. Fortunately, Plan A seems to be working well. The separation as a consequence for his contacting her would be for my self-preservation.

He never cared or 'got' how much he hurt me. He eventually apologized, but -- believe me -- he never really 'got' it. I felt violated.

Try plan A. Take every step you would as if this was a physical affair (PA) because eventually it could become one.


Me 40 DH 43 Multiple EAs. DH has learned the diff btn platonic and "not just friends." M 5/07 My first, his third DS 6 (with biofather as of 9/07, shared custody) I'm happier since MB. 2/28/08 Recommitment to marriage by both
Joined: Feb 2008
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Posts: 38
Hi. Reflect on your relationship with your wife - if you want a strong, passionate, caring marriage you must communicate that there be NO CONTACT between the two of them. That is that.

Jim stated it best - "STOP BEING A DOORMAT". You are worthy of soooooo much more - believe in you!

Be strong, do not enable by feeling guilty.

Keep reading and keep communicating with the members on the board......


hurtingbadly
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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In my situation OM moved away and was pushing WW to follow him. I used this to my advantage and literally starved the affair to death. I blocked his email, told my WW she would get her cell turned off if she called OM, ripped up calling cards that I found, and eventually told her the next time she contacted OM, she had to move out. I made a lot more than her and took care of the bills, so she had no choice to leave me BEFORE being with OM. She talked to OM less frequently, and he got pissed that she didn't leave me for cutting off contact to him, and "poof," she stopped trying to contact him after a month or two.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

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