Hi, I am new to this site. V. quick story: I've been married for 5 years, I have 3 kids. My boyfriend made a purchase to an escort service (when things were at their best, sex, love, money etc) but he claims he never slept with her. I couldn't understand if all was great, why would he need to. So few yrs. later we are planning our wedding, get pregnant, get married, have a baby. He then cheats on me for 2 years with a man (he was in love with) I find out few yrs later, he denies most. Now just recently he had 3 month fling with a woman in back seat of our car (I hate driving it) He says he was with the man to finally eliminate the male side of his bisexuality and wanted to be convinced it was only me he wanted. then reasoning for the woman: I danced v. provacitevely one night in a club with another man (which I purposely wanted him to see - I had these issues, fear he was an in closet homosexual, he wasn't looking for me sexually no matter how much I asked him to). So this is why he says he slept with the woman (to get back at me)

I am depressed. I am becomming those married women who I don't want to be. snotty, angry, I hate sex now. - and before I was one of the kindest, sweetiest, always tending to my husband in every aspect. my self worth is totally gone.

I have 3 kids and I don't know what to do. I love him, I don't think I'm in love with him. I forgive him but I don't trust him.. He works with his ex female lover(now, different floors and her husband knows) and to make matters worse... the man (exlover) has rtnd to my husbands company for a few months and they work on the same floor.

my husband has been accountable for everything. he is patient, attentive, loving - everything a woman would want from a man. he helps out with the three kids always.

he has a new postition that requires traveling, working more hours. It seems legite. but I don't know how to heal from all this when he is gone more often than before.

I also can't heal because I have to drive around in their love bed. and she lives less than a mile from me. So I am constantly reminded of the affair. I try to think positive thoughts (have always been positive) but it is so hard now.

So do men/people change? I have known my husband since I was v. v. young. I have been in love with him for more than 15 years. Do I say goodbye since he's cheated on me 2, mabye 3 times? or do I work it out? for the sake of the kids, for the fact that I don't have a dime to save? HELP!

and yes we went to counseling. It went well (but copays got to expensive) like i said, he is showing changes, accountability, but I just feel so defeated.

Can a cheater change? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 02/08/08 04:11 PM
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Can a cheater change?

Not when the cheater doesn't take responsibility for it.

And justifies and excuses his behavior.

Also, Dr. Harley says that NC must be established for life between A couples. So as long as your WH still has contact w/ both of his A partners, your M is threatened.

There have been couples who had to quit their jobs and re-locate across the country to keep their M safe.

~ Marsh

Yes they can change but they have to want to and NC is of the upmost importance. Even if it means moving, giving up youi job, whatever. NC forever.

Let me ask, since my H has had 2 A, and possibly one paid night, then doesn't that suggest that even if I do move, there can always be another temptation in a new city???

How do you trust again?

and moving isn't an option. I hear the replies clearly, but there is no financial way. no right now anyway.

Well, the ideal situation would be for you BOTH to adopt MB principles.

Go to an MB weekend. Read all the books.

And yes, then move away from his A partners.

If he can't find another job that removes him from his A partners, then I hope he can afford a D.

B/c that is where you are headed.

I'm sorry to say this, but unless you both are willing to sacrifice and work to save your very broken M, it will fail.

~ Marsh

By not putting yourself in a situation that REQUIRES blind trust. By closing all the gaps in your marriage that are weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

YOU don't learn to trust. Your HUSBAND learns not to put himself in the path of temptation - particulary situations that have been tempting for him before.

OW was a temptation...so he removes himself completely from her life.

Travelling overnight offers temptation...so from now on, he takes you with him to provide himself accountability.

Make sense?

It isn't logical to expect that he (or anyone) can resist temptation because we are human and therefore have weakness. That is why the way to truly protect yourself is to avoid putting yourself against temptation to begin with.

NOT to do so would be much like an alcoholic continuing to hang out at bars, relying on his sheer will to keep him from taking a drink.

It's much more logical for that alcoholic to avoid bars altogether.



You will not heal in that situation. The uncomfortabless is due to your feeling unsafe because IT IS an unsafe situation. Your instincts are telling you that.

I would advise getting rid of the car if it bothers you.

Yes - people can change. The way that they can change is to use DIFFERENT methods to protect themselves than the methods that didn't work before.

I have always said 'once a cheater always a cheater.' But now turns out I married one, don't know what to think either.

Anyone can change, and I do believe that.

But who is likely to change?

If a person started out a good person, and changed into a horrible adulterer, their chances of changing back to a good person and staying that way are excellent, IMO.

If a person has demonstrated over and over that they are unwilling to live a moral, committed life, their chances of changing are very small.

He has to want this. He has to work for this. He has to make many many sacrifices. If he does not, one of two things will happen.

1. You will keep putting up with things you should never put up with.
2. You will get tired of his grief and dump him.

It's all on him to make this work, if it is going to.

That's a very intersesting thought. I wonder how true it is? I believe my wife is a serial cheater. If your theory is true then she probably won't or is incapable of change. Kind of like the difference between a manlfunction and being hard wired that way.

I agree with everything frozen said. You don't learn to trust, you have to have openness and honesty in every aspect of your life from now on and your WS has to avoid situations where temptation lurks.

I will never trust my FWH again. I will ask tough question when necessary. I will expect him to be honest and open about his activities, thoughts and computer use. I will expect him not to travel alone unless absolutely necessary. I will expect him to get counselling for his issues.

It seems your H has issues surrounding his sexuality. He should get counselling to resolve these.

There is strictly NC and he has informed me of attempts by OW #3 to contact him. He ended up changing his cell phone number. Fortunately both recent OW live in other cities and he has no reason to ever see them again. He has apologized both in writing and verbally and continues to state his love for me and committment to our M on a daily basis. He thanks me for staying with him.

I will also do my part to keep our M intact as I had a part in its breakdown.

frozen - I hear what you are saying. and I thank you so much for the advice. I agree with you to eliminate temptation as much as possible i.e. business trips etc. But what if the bulk of the A were at or during work hours? I obviously can not prohibit the bread winner from going to work.

He denies that the second A - had occurences at work, but I would bet my life - from my instincts alone - that that is not the truth. And the OW just reconfirmed my feelings when she told me they did have sex in the office. (not that I can trust her) but I believe it did.


This morning my H and I had an argument all because I nicely said "I would prefer if I drove my son to school tomorrow since it is so cold - (he is 5 yrs old) (its 20 degrees out, 3 block walk) - would you be okay with that, if not you can walk him - but if you can hang around and wait, I'll drive him?" and my Husband begins an argument about how "critical" I am making this issue and not to "baby" my son. he kept insisting I was making this issue a "critical One" when I only asked that one question v. nicely and used the word "prefer" I was in no way demading nor urgent.

Serious withdrawals from the love bank!!

It times like this I just want to run. I feel so defeated as it is after the 2 A - that stupid arguments like this is ridiculous.

Has anyone reading this ever gotten a divorce while having children? Can anyone share with me the pros and cons of a divorce with kids? if not, I'll post in divorce area.

Thanks!!

Amazin, your wife still can change if she wants to, even if she is a serial adulteress.

You will know by watching her actions carefully and how she speaks, over a period of time, if she is truly making an effort to become a different person.

So don't give up hope entirely, even while bracing yourself for the likelihood of living without her.


5yrs, the plain truth is that while he works with two(!) of his ex(?) lovers, you are not in recovery, even if he is not having sex with any of them right now. (Which he probably is.)

Since you are not in recovery, of course he is going to be illogical, angry over stuff that makes no sense, and spewing out fog like crazy.

His reaction to taking your son to school was well off the charts of normal, and heavily into the red on the WS Fog-o-meter. Prepare yourself for more of the same for as long as your situation does not change.

Eventually I hope you will reach the place where you can be a catalyst for your own change, knowing that you cannot force his.

Thanks Neak.

I believe anyone can change too... And I believe eventually most people do... but they have to get sick and tired of how they're living their lives before they make a commitment to change.


Does that make sense?

It makes lots of sense.

If we continue all of our lives in a lost miserable state, it is despite God's best efforts to reach us, every moment of every day.