Long story short, my wife of 31 years entered a mid-life crisis and told me one day that she was unhappy and didn't want to be a wife and mother any more. A week or 2 later, I discovered she was having an online affair. The OM has no job, no money, so she bought him a bus ticket to come see her. Their first date was in a Super 8 Motel. We filed for divorce shortly thereafter. However, I found some of their emails during that period that suggested he was using her to get at my daughters (21 and 13). He said things to my wife that suggested he was a pedophile (directed at my 13-year-old). I got a restraining order against him to keep him from making any kind of contact with her. She's abandoned the family, moving to where this OM lives but I gather from my older daughter, she's not really happy. But the thing is this. I still love her deeply even after all the hurt and anger she's inflicted. I suggested to her that we try to reconcile but she's not receptive. I guess what I'm really looking for is not a way to reconcile our marriage at this point (I'm trying hard to accept that), but a way to cope with the hurt and the loss. I've already read and heard advice about thinking about using this "opportunity" to learn and do things for myself but with 31 years, I'm having a hard time imagining life any other way (we married shortly after high school). Added to that, I'm an overnight single parent and am trying to help the 13-year-old with her loss as well. She was always close to her mom and they talk frequently but I know that I can't take her mom's place.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is good that you found us. I do suggest that you post on General Questions II. You can learn a lot of things to save your marriage.

I would do a background check on the OM and find out if he has any arrests.

And GOOD JOB on protecting your daughters.

People always seem to affair down. Hope you have your family funds protected.

I could not be certain from your post ... is the divorce FINAL?

Is your wife paying child support?

Thank you for the welcome.

The divorce is not final yet. I'm fairly certain the marriage is done with. I've tried numerous times to express my deep love for her but at this time she seems to have lost ALL rational thought. Try as I might, she won't seek counseling.

She tried to hold the restraining order over the OM (her wanting me to lift it) as a negating point but I WILL NOT budge on that. The family funds are now isolated from her (which happened just as she bought OM the bus ticket). She has no income, so don't see anything coming as far as child support but instead seeing a potentially big alimony bill going to her as we're in a 'no-fault' state so perhaps some trade off there.

I guess what I'm seeking from someone that has been through this is advice on getting through the emotional trauma and moving on.

Zip on over the General Questions II. The affair is sure to end, and then she will be her old self again, and most likely want to reconcile.

Yes, they do lose ALL rational thought. That is par for the course. But there are things you can do to help end the affair.

Start by reading all about Plan A.

continued in General Questions II

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3397952

Pablo

I agree with believer. Think about it. If your wife leaves you for the second coming of George Clooney, loaded to the gills, showering her with diamonds and furs, writing love letters worthy of shakespeare, then you say well......I really doubt shes gonna be back. But read what you wrote. No job. No money. Perhaps a pedo. Are these winning attributes? She will be back. Book that. But the real question is "Is she something good to have in your and daughters lives? I mean abandoning you is one thing. BUT SHE LEFT HER KIDS!!!!!! SHE LEFT HER KIDS......Is it really better that that kind of person is back in your families lives???? I know you love her, so if she comes back you will allow her in. Just understand that it may happen all over again, unless the both of you address why a mom would do something like this. But, Pablo, yeah, the odds are, she definately will be back.