Link fixed (I think).

Those messages were a discussion the OM had with the wife. They took place over several days. He's 35 and about twice my weight ... height = width, literally. My wife just turned 50.

I have the same concern about her being with my daughter alone. I think I have her convinced that, with these messages, no judge will grant her any kind of custody as long as this guy is in the picture. However, that hasn't deterred her from keeping this relationship going.

As for a 'typical' conversation it will start out cordial then she'll eventually get around to bringing up the restraining order. The last time she brought it up she mentioned that I only had one side of the conversation so I asked her directly what DID she say when he eluded that he wanted to sleep with my daughter ... she hung up. I try to talk to her a few times a week (after she's cooled down from not talking me in to lifting the RO).

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought maybe you were reading things into the messages!!!!!!!!! YIKES!!!!!!!!! And your wife can't see what is going on????????????????

Hope you have sent the messages to wife's family. This guy is SICK.

And I would put a keylogger on the computer to be sure that your daughter doesn't get contacted somehow.

I would also show the messages to your daughter, not to scare her, but to show her exactly why she must be protected.

CREEPY.

Creepy is putting it mildly. Imagine the first time I saw them (in addition to more smut).

I put a keylogger on the computer my daughter uses even before I got the RO. I would love for him to just send her a "Hi" and throw his butt in jail.

(((((((((((((Pablo)))))))))))

That must have been a HORRIBLE shock. I can't even imagine. Thank God you are a good man and protecting your daughter.

When your wife comes out of this, she is going to have many regrets.

That's what I keep hearing, that she'll come out of it. But being in the thick of things it seems like an eternity already.

all I can say is WOW...

I am so sorry you are here in the first place, and now add on top of an A, you are dealing with a pedophille...my heart goes out to you...

I don't have much advice since I am a newbie, and heck, I'm failing miserably in Plan A, but I will have to say DO NOT LIFT THAT RO. Of course, you already knew that. And to say your WS will have regrets is putting it mildly. Those conversations were very distrubing to say the least.

I will pray for you and your daughter. You are an amazing dad for the protection you are giving her. I would move heaven and earth to keep her away from this AW and it looks like that is what you are doing....

not2fun

thanks for the sentiments all.

not2fun. I can empathize with that nic of yours and wish you all the best on your journey!

Pablo,

The next time your W chirps about the RO, pause and then say: " I am doing for our daughter what someone should have done for you, protect you from a predator." And then end the conversation.

There is no way on God's Green Earth, that OM should ever be around your daughter, and frankly I have deep concerns about your W being around her. She clearly does NOT have your daughter's best interests at heart.

Creepy, is putting it mildly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

I shudder to think what would happen to this girl if Pablo were not such an astute father. A father with enough cojones to do what it takes to protect his DD.

And I agree very with JL, I do not think your wife is SAFE for her to be around. I would monitor those calls, Pablo!

Pablo,

Since you have an RO against this pedophile, you know his name. Have you checked to see if he is listed on the National Sex Offender Registry?

National Sex Offender Registry

Each state has their own list and it would be simple enough to find him. It might not have been checked when you got the RO.

He doesn't want your wife, he wants your daughter. His agenda cannot be any clearer. He is 35 years old, chances are this isn't the first time that he is preying on a teenager.

Check him out.

I provided the link.

committed

I wish you could scrape the money together to talk to the Harleys. It is expensive, but often they cut to the chase in their counseling.

I'm wondering if you should go directly to Plan B because of the danger to your daughter.

Pablo,

This guy is a sicko and is totally obsessed with your daughter. PLEASE do whatever you need to do to keep him away from her. He is clearly planning for any break that he can get. I would even be afraid for her life if she gets anywhere near him.

I'm even worried for your wife.

If your wife does not see this, there is something wrong there.

The wife does not see his intent the way I (we) see it. She attempted to explain it away, that he admitted he was out of line. However, his agenda is clear. I failed to mention he tried this with my older, 21-year-old daughter. He tried to get her to engage in sexual banter with him via email (caught it with the keylogger). When I brought it to the wife's attention, she was PISSED off at him and I kind of thought that would have been the end of it but after 4 hours, she forgave him.

BTW, the RO has not yet been made permanent due to a glitch in the CA sheriff getting the proof of service returned promptly so a continuance is in effect until the 25th. Everything is go to make it permanent and am confident it will be done. The first judge just glanced at those messages and granted the temporary with no hesitation and said take those messages to the police at once. Did that...actually, went to the county sheriff's sex crimes unit and had a good talk with them. Unfortunately, there was not enough to seek a conviction. But they strongly told me, "keep this guy away from your daughter with a RO. If he makes a move we'll take action." I've also talked with municipal and state law enforcement, same response. (Being retired military, I know the effectiveness of defeating your enemy with overwhelming force.)

No. She does not see his intent at all. She's absolutely blind to it. And the fact that I told her that 3 law enforcement agencies AND a judge say the same thing doesn't affect her at all. And anybody that tries to convince her otherwise is instantly her enemy, including her own mother. I've told her on several occasions that if they feel so strongly about the RO, he's been invited to appear in court on the 25th to defend his comments. However, I know he's too much of a coward to do that.

I brought this to the attention of a therapist I'm seeing and she readily pointed out just about everything said here and added that now his prize is cut out of the picture via the RO, he'll probably lose interest in the wife.

One of the first things I did was to check if he was a convicted sex offender and a friend that works with the state police did a check in other databases ... so far this guy has no record.

As for custody, I'm going for full custody with the wife getting supervised visitation. Oddly enough, although the wife doesn't like it, she does seem to have the ability to see that the chips are stacked in my favor in that regard. Of course with her impaired ability to reason, she may change her mind a few times.

I too feel that Plan B is the course of action given the situation with the daughter AND her unwillingness to carry out a rational discussion to even discuss or commit to breaking it off completely with OM.

The Neaksis Thread: Spotting Child Molesters

I'm posting my daughter's MB thread about child molestation and the knowledge gleaned through our family's experience. It discusses red flags to look for, but I'm not even sure you need to read about them. This man is waving so many red flags he looks like a Communist Party parade all by himself!

Please don't waver in your determination to keep him away from your daughter. You will save her life from being ruined, I'm sure of it...

t&l

We've focused on protecting my daughter throughout this discussion thus far. The revelation of the OM's intent are truly shocking and I assure everyone here that I have it covered. There is no way I will allow the OM to be near my daughter, let alone contact her. I am confident that I have that in control. I posted the messages as well the explanations here to demonstrate that it's not just my imagination running wild. And the overwhelming responses of support endorse that I am headed down the right path with regard to protecting my daughter. I thank you all for that support. While my wife is in this state of mind, acting irrationally, I am not susceptible for compromise on the safety of my daughter.

But in all honesty, this forum is to help restore a marriage and would like to focus my efforts there. I do love her deeply. Perhaps a bit more history will demonstrate. We fell in love in high school. For me, it was love at first sight, really. She singled me out and the first time I laid eyes on her, I was hooked. Since that time she's helped me get through some fierce tragedies: The death of a friend, both my parents and my younger brother. We've had 3 children born of the love that two people can share. Up until now, she has been a loving, caring person. Her recent behavior by is far not representative of our marriage. It seems to be unanimous that this is a temporary condition and while I'm extremely hurt by what she's done, I also feel compelled to not abandon her when she rises from this insanity…that I NEED to be there for her to help pick up the pieces as she recovers. After all, she did not abandon me in my time of need. Despite what's transpired during the past several months, I'm willing to see her condition for what it is and with some help and support feel that there may be something to salvage. At this point in her condition, she's not receptive to negotiating anything along those lines and what I'm looking for is some guidance. Never thought our lives would be tested this way. It's all new territory and I'm looking for advice or suggestions on how to proceed, what I might expect (for anyone that's been there), anything that will help me cope and march on to a successful conclusion. SSA is on order and I'll be digging into it as soon as it arrives

But in all honesty, this forum is to help restore a marriage and would like to focus my efforts there.

You honestly want to be with someone that would SACRIFICE your daughter to a pedophile?

Children have been removed from homes when Mothers make their children accessible to pedophiles and molesters. Women DUMP husbands, boyfriends, or significant others when they show sexual interest in their children. She refuses to see it because of her own selfish desires.

It must just be me...I think that you need to get as far away from her as possible.

She needs to be prosecuted for stupidity.

We all have our lines in the sand...where is yours?



committed

You know, I am going to go in a different direction that everyone else here and criticize YOU Pablo. YOU are not thinking of your daughters best interests long term. Short term you have it covered with the RO and I commend you for that. But the real danger to your daughter is your wife and yet you are trying to restore a relationship with her. ANY mother that would tolerate such words from ANYONE (let alone an affair partner) is a danger to her children and should not ever be around them again. How can you possibly say you love someone that has acted this way? YOU need to step in and protect your daughter at ALL costs...including losing her mom. I am not shocked at the emails...but I am shocked at your willingness to take someone back that EVER acted this way.
What happens the NEXT TIME Pablo???? Does you daughter get raped before you have a chance to stop her mother? If anything happens to your daughter...anything...it will be on you. You know the danger...do not fold here. Stand tall and strong and keep BOTH of those MONSTERS away from your child.

pablo,

I am not suprised that you still have love for your wife in the face of this matter. The temporary insanity of an addictive affair has blinded your wife however. She is so blinded that she can not effectively protect or parent your children. She is using them rather than protecting them.

What your wife wants right now is all that matters to her. She refuses to see the advances on your daughters as sexual because if she did, it might mean that she would have to end their affair. She doesn't want to do that.

In light of those messages I would have requested a RO against both of them. She should not be anywhere near your daughters in her current state of mind.

edit to add: Be careful that you are not in a bit of betrayed spouse fog yourself. Your wife is not a good person right now. She is a danger to your children.

Pablo,

I agree with what everyone else is saying, but I also understand where you are coming from regarding the M. My situation is exactly the same - known each other since grade school, high school sweethearts, 34 year M, one daughter, no reason to ever think that we wouldn't get our first hearing aides and walkers together.

BUT, I now find myself in a similar situation. My WH travelled for his job and lived with OW for almost a year while calling every evening, home weekends, etc. and I knew nothing. He told her we were D, and he was giving her $ and running up major debt behind my back.

So, that said, I've tried to understand the W mindset and try to recover my M while everyone around me (except here at MB) was telling me to fry the [email]bast@rd.[/email]

We too have a long history together, and he was there for me when I had rough times (job loses, deaths, etc). So I understand how you feel.

You have a responsibility to protect your children from both your WW and OM. I believe that if it means losing your WW, then you need to make that sacrifice. Your WW is an adult and has made a choice, but your YD cannot protect herself. I believe that you know all of this though.

In this sitch, I don't even know if Plan A is in order. If it were me, I'd go to Plan B. If and when she comes out of the fog and is truly a broken person, then I would look at recovery if at that time you still feel that you want to recover. I would say right now, recovery isn't even possible until she gets a jolt that knocks her for a major loop.

I wish you would look into counseling with the Harleys. I DO think your counselor is right in that when the OM realizes that he wion't have access to your daughters, he will move on.

He will look around for a family where the father is not involved and protecting his own. It will just be the easier path. Then your wife will be dumped and will come back to sanity.

I'm surprised by some poster's responses. Your situation is NOT that different from all of the rest here. We see waywards here everyday introducing their children to affair partners that are strangers. They have no inhibititions in forging a new life, cutting out the children's natural parent, and moving forward with a soulmate they barely know. It is very COMMON.

The only difference is that you have been proactive in protecting your family and have found out that the man is a predator.

I often wonder if that is happening in other situations here and no one has found out about it. It is DANGEROUS to involve strangers intimately in a child's life, but folks here to it all of the time.