...not here...

Neak, yore momma is outta control! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Not here, either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

The Dervish is being a baaaaaaad influence.

I've read where the A should be exposed. Just about everyone that cares for the wife already knows but wondering if I should also expose those messages. At this point, it 'feels' vindictive to me but for her so-called friends that will blindly support her no matter what (and it now seems her mother might be turning to the dark side) I also feel that this info will stop some of the enabling support she's been receiving. Thoughts? I don't want to appear vindictive and revengeful yet I want this enabling behavior to stop. It just prolongs her potential recovery.

Pablo, I would expose to her CLOSE friends. Maybe they can talk some sense into her. They also need to know this guy is a PERV so they can protect their own children.

Her mother needs to know. This doesn't mean her mother will like to know, nor that her mother will be happy that you made her know...but she needs to know anyway. You've taken a lot of flak already. You can handle a little more!

t&l

P.S. Anybody who might possibly give you child care relief needs to know, too.

And the school. Can't remember if you already told them. I would include bus drivers also, if applicable.

And your pastor.

Not everyone you know needs to know, but close people and those in authority positions, like those above.

Do you know what her mother's response was to your wife's molestation?

No I don't neaksis. To the best of my knowledge, her mom found out about the same time I did.

No I guess there wasn't REALLY an easy thing. But to so many, seems their "path of least resistance" causes them to lie down and be walked on, just to keep the peace. I am so glad you are not allowing your daughter to be walked on just to keep your WW "friendly".

Was the uncle that molested your wife on her mom's side or her dad's? In other words, are we talking about your wife's mom's brother?

I am just trying to understand the situation a little better.

I'm a longtime lurker who has been helped tremendously by the postings on this site (Dday was 2 years ago this very week)....and I believe this is my first ever posting.

Just something I would like to add from the perspective of someone molested by multiple family members as a young child:

Since your wife has not done the gut-wrenching work of coming to terms with her childhood sexual abuse....do not be surprised if the more adamantly and ferociously you take steps to protect your daughter, the more your wife may resent that you are doing so (and resent YOU, and resent your DAUGHTER).

Why? Because your wife still has not come to terms with the fact that NO ONE "gave a damn" (in her mind) about protecting HER. So, in her unconscious mind, why does her daughter "deserve better" than she got (i.e., protection at all....much less "at all costs")? Or, why shouldn't her dsughter get just what she got (i.e., close proximity to a child molester, and damn the consequences)? In her own extremely unhealthy way....it could just be your wife's own delusional method of "coming to terms" finally with her own abuse. That is absolutely not acceptable, of course, but that could be what is truly going on here. She could have been drawn to this cretin not DESPITE the creepy emails, but BECAUSE of them. Her subconscious mind of her adult self trying to "heal" her child self....through a way that is neither grounded in reality nor at all remotely permissible.

Do not be surprised that, in her mind, it reaches a level where she takes affirmative steps to "test" how well, and to what lengths, you will go to protect your daughter (the reason she could very well be with the cretin BECAUSE of the emails).

I really do not want to unduly raise even more red flags....but from where I sit, I am seeing red flags all over this. But, even if such "testing" occurs....in her subconscious mind, she is doing so to finally get "proof" that there is at least one person -- one man -- on this Earth who "could have and would have" SAVED her from that other scum of a man (the child molester, and now this guy that looks like him)...if only that one man had been there to save her child self at the time. And that man is you, my friend. Figuratively and literally.

YOUR DAUGHTER MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS.....and, in your doing so, your wife (in her mind) could very well finally get her long, long overdue "protection" as well. But, that will be the "extra" benefit if it comes to pass. Do not count on it, and "protecting" your wife in this psychotherapuetic way cannot and should not be your focus or priority. Your focus and priority are on protecting the child who is CURRENTLY a child, and that is your daughter.

In my own life (I have no children), a somewhat similar mindset ended up playing itself out thusly: I (subconsciously) determined long ago that I wanted to be the kind of kicka$$, take no cr_p sort of woman who would have laid waste to the landscape in order to "protect" the abused child me had that adult me been there at the time. That is the sort of adult I became and always will be: there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I would have protected me....in a ferocious mama bear sort of way.

Please be that person for your daughter. She must be protected at ALL COSTS....even if those "costs" include your wife and your marriage. I suspect just the oppposite, though....that in being unyielding in your protection of your daughter, your wife will ultimately (though it may take a long time and a lot of therapy) view you as her own childhood protector, too -- in the sense that you would have done so if only your adult self could have been there. That is when true healing begins....for you, your wife, your marriage and your daughters.

I am quite the lapsed Catholic, but my prayers are with you in so many ways.

DrinkingWater

I can concur, from personal knowledge, that adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, who have never worked through their own issues, can display a shocking coldness, complete disinterest, and a hostile lack of sympathy for a child they know is being molested (or in danger), especially if a lot of attention is being payed to this child to supply them protection, or to seek consequences for the abuser, when the adult survivors, looking on, know to the depths of their locked up hearts that none was ever given to them when they were the weak, the young, the prey.

t&l

neaksis: the uncle was on her mom's side of the family.

DrinkingWater/t&l: thanks for the additional insights! And DrinkingWater, in sense I'm honored that your first post was here. Well done.

Pablo: I'm glad you think it may help in some way. I sincerely believe that by protecting your daughter, that very action will also ultimately protect your wige (the child in her that is still there, still an incredibly walking wounded soul)...

Wow, great insight DrinkingWater. What an eyeopener, explaining the behaviors of some family members of my own that I know were sexually abused. Thank you.

Been thinking about this "new" info all day long. It's given me some clarity. I can't get out of my head thinking how to get WW some help. Perhaps it's my military training, "don't leave anyone behind." I knew from the start that this was some kind of mental condition and kept telling myself that I couldn't abandon her in this way. But I'm at a loss. I can't make her but can't convince her to seek help either…she thinks nothing is wrong. It's been a REAL frustration for me. I do know that I will not compromise my daughter's safety at any cost.

Also, could any of you cite articles or some definitive authority? May need that for custody.

Neaksis may have some articles, and some of her books may be applicable, as well.

It is hard for me to guess what your wife will do, or how she will react, since the abuse triggering and resulting inappropriate behaviors add a whole new dynamic to the familiar A script.

However, my guess is that, when her A ends and she is a broken woman, she will begin to be willing to deal with her own abuse issues.

I think that likely, even with the deep, underlying injury, that being out of her A and having some of the fog dissipate, will allow her to see her need for help in this other area. Certainly it is far too soon to give up all hope for her, not that I think you are.

It's very hard, but just keep waiting to see what her actions prove to be, once she earns her "F".

Never thought of it before but it's interesting how MB is the opposite of school, where getting an "A" is excellent, and getting an "F" means you're in big trouble at home!

t&l