Pablo: Do you mean a resource for my stated theory of what's going on in your wife's subconscious mind? Sorry, I don't have anything in particular to refer you to or at least don't recall any. I believe it is something I just came to believe over the years of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse in my own life.

If, instead, you mean a resource for an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse to heal thyself, well....it has been over 15 years since I was digging out of my own h_ll. At the time, The Courage to Heal was, I think, the rather definitive book and workbook on the subject (at least here in the States). I also got A LOT of insight into the dynamics of it all (as well as other family dysfunctions) from the John Bradshaw series of books. He is/was a PhD in Houston, TX, who went on to have a shortlived talk show (a la Dr. Phil), if memory serves me correctly.

The Internet did not yet exist for the general public when I was coming to terms with it....so I am sure there is a vast amount of material there, probably from some of the same organizations that existed in the early 90s. It has been so long (and I like to think I have healed so well) that I cannot even recall the particular names of those organizations.

Good luck to you and everyone that you love....

TCTH also has a book for the spouses and companions of survivors, I think. That might be a resource for you, to help you know what's going on in her mind. It probably won't cover A-fog though.

I noticed something and don't think anyone else has mentioned it. In the messages you posted, the OM mentions having kids? He has kids himself??? Are these kids in danger?

thank you DrinkingWater and Jayne.

He does have kids but see them infrequently since his ex moved out of state.

Maybe she already knows, but if you have any way to find her and tell her, you should.

I tried locating her, almost had a good bead on her too ... then she moved. If I could get in contact with her, I definately would.

try zabasearch.com

Yes, she may have info useful to you too. There may be a reason she moved out of state.

Dear Pablo,

I have been reading through your thread and your concerns for your daughter's safety. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this and I applaud you for the steps you have taken to protect your daughter. The e-mails are really creepy.

I know you are in the US - I am in the UK and I am posting here a website, which is run by the UK police task force which deals with Child Protection and Online Exploitation of Children. The website is : http://www.ceop.gov.uk/

I urge you to go to this website now, read through it, then click on the Report Abuse link and direct the police to the link you posted with the man's picture and the e-mails. The reason why I am urging you to do this, even though you are in the UK and you will be reporting the abuse to a UK police force is that this kind of online grooming is an international problem. If this guy is a peadophile, and it sounds to me like he is, you can bet that his computer is full of images of children from all over the world. He may take foreign holidays to engage in sex with children abroad, keeping his record clean in the US. He may enter chat rooms with other peadophiles in the UK and trade pictures. He is obviously using online gaming sites to cozy up to women with young daughters - if it was not your wife, it would have been someone else. He zeroed in on your wife because he seized his chance.

The thing is that the UK police WANT to know about these guys. Some years ago, they launched an international operation called Operation Ore, which netted hundreds of paedophiles all over the world - they have a task force which goes out to Southeast Asia and tries to stop British men from going abroad for child sex. The UK now has a law under which if a UK citizen commits a child sex crime in another country, he can be prosecuted for that crime in the UK, so you can't be a UK citizen and get away with sex tourism. You can bet that if he uses the internet to groom women with children, that he uses the internet to make contact with other like-minded people and some of those people might be in the UK - in other words, he may have trespassed into UK jurisdiction. My point is that police forces now co-operate with each other on an international level to stop these guys.

If you report this information to the UK police, they may be able to find out more about this guy - they may recognize his picture - and if they do, they will be able to work with the police force in the US - at the very least, they may be able to notify the police force in the guy's home area of residence and ask them to look into his past activities - i.e. employment record, any past convictions, etc.

The CEOP website also offers a lot of good stuff for kids, to educate them about web safety. The Report Abuse link has been designed for children as well as adults and the UK police are trying to teach all children to use it to report people they feel might be grooming them in chatrooms - there is a live police officer at the end of that "Report Abuse" link 24 hours a day. Please contact them now. You should not have to do this alone.

Wishing you well.
LIR

Here is another, bigger task force - from this website, you can report your suspicions within the US -

http://www.virtualglobaltaskforce.com/

I'll pray for you.

LIR

Thank you so much LIR. I'll definitely do that right away.

No luck with zabasearch.com (and others). I'll keep looking.

I'm tempted to post a link to the OM's myspace page here but not sure it would really support any further insights or discussion. What do you think?

BTW, I invite you all to use my email address in my sig line. Pathetic as it may sound, I've been very lonely for some adult friendship.

Pablo, I'm sure you are lonesome for some adult friendship, but you are in a vulnerable place right now (as many BS are, which is why there is no private messaging feature on MB). I would caution you to only exchange email with other men.

BTW, you are absolutely doing the right thing to protect your daughter.

Friend - great idea. Pablo, I'm very glad to hear you are going to do that. If you have the guy's MySpace addy, report that too. H*ck, if you don't, I hope someone else here does.

And I gotta agree with LadyC. As someone just said on another thread, it would be the height of irony if this board actually caused some marital problems. Yet it's been known to happen, I hear. A H doing all he can to try to win his W back and protect his D, well, that's just too tempting for an ignored and/or betrayed W. Please don't go there. Stay safe, and correspond with other guys.

Dear Pablo,

I just want to say, do NOT post the link to the guy's MySpace page here, and you should delete your email addy from your sig - only give it out to those you trust.

First - you have aired your concerns about this guy in a public space, albeit anonymously. If you link to his MySpace, you could be accused of slander or libel and he could sue you for defamation of character. You don't want that. Just e-mail the link and all the e-mails your wife has had from him that concern your daughter to the task force - they will know what to do with them and advise you.

Second - you are vulnerable right now - you should not reveal your e-mail to anyone unless you know and trust them. You should not embark on any e-mail relationships with other women, especially.

From what some of the other posters have said about your wife's past history, it sounds to me like this guy is "grooming" your wife - the abused child in her is what is responding - he is grooming your daughter through your wife....softening her up, so to speak....the task force will recognize this behaviour....you need expert law enforcement help NOW....that is the line you should pursue ASAP....

God be with you.
LIR

Yeah, I was having second thoughts about the myspace post. It wouldn't be too difficult to figure out who my wife is either and I could just imagine both starting to get spammed which would just muddy everything at this point. It doesn't really reveal anything other than his hipocracy of it all. And I've got no proof that he's done anything like this via mySpace.

I hadn't thought about the issues with the email thing. Kind of makes sense though. I did check the FAQ to see why PMs weren't active but didn't see anything. I'll remain vigilant there too.

LIR, after 3 tries, got the info submitted to the task force. It will be interesting to see what comes of it. Thanks for that tip BTW.

Good for you, Pablo.

It will be interesting to see what the task force makes of it. You should also take your daughter to the websites they have created for kids, educate her and show her the features, including the "Expose Abuse" link. One of the things that might happen is that if he gets HER e-mail address, and knows the chatrooms she goes to, then he might start contacting her directly....when/if this happens, i.e., he has DIRECT contact with your daughter, he may have crossed that line in which he has committed the online crime of "grooming"....then, hopefully, they will be able to help you.....they might even be able to help you monitor his communications.....Gee guys, I really HOPE I am not just fantasizing here.....I really HOPE law enforcement will do what they can here.....Operation Ore (which I mentioned before) flushed out the father of one of my son's school friends, so I KNOW this task force is serious.....I'm just praying SOMEONE gets back to you on this....

Also - you really should NOT reveal his identity here or anything that would lay you open to a charge of libel. Libel is a crime, so be very careful of what you say.

Praying for you.
LIR

DO NOT do it, Pablo. We have sickos who lurk this board like sharks who have been known to use such information to ALERT the OP to your Marriage Builders thread. We have one such man, a betrayed spouse with 2 little kids, who had to LEAVE Marriage Builders earlier this month because of this very thing. Some scum actually went to the OM's website and posted about MB and that the people here were plotting against him. There are some very sick, twisted people who lurk this board who would like nothing better than to see your wife's affair succeed. They are on the side of the infidels. Don't do it unless you want the OM and your WW alerted to this thread.

Goodness, NO! Do not pubicize his myspace page (here or elsewhere...even in real life) in a way that reveals your anonymity to strangers....even emails to "friends" have a way of getting around....

It would not just be his and your identity you would/could be revealing....it would also be your wife's and your daughter's. And, there is pretty much an infinite number of sickos out there who would take it as an invitation to do just what this cretin is doing....getting to your daughter through your wife...since your wife has shown how easliy that could happen.

Really goes against the act of protecting your daughter at all costs, don't you think??!!

And, for the same reason (and others, as said by the PPs), you really need to get rid of your email in your sig line.

I checked with an attorney and was told what I suspected: libel is not a CRIME, but a civil cause of action. [lawsuit] Truth is a defense to a libel lawsuit, though.

So, I wouldn't worry about LIBEL, Pablo, but I would worry about leading the OM back to MB, and losing your source of support. You don't want that perv reading your posts here and knowing your plan of war.

I rethought that whole thing about posting OM's myspace page. Not going to happen for the reasons cited above. Thanks for the warnings! I had a moment of stupidity.

Just got a call from the National Centre for Missing and Exploited Children. They're on it! That was fast too!