Forward it to yourself and then delete it.

I'll be back on in a couple of hours, and have a few suggestions for what to do with her email stuff. What service does she have? Yahoo, MSN, etc.?

I ran to the store after I posted that question and the answer came to me, "Don't let him talk to your daughter, period. I can't be around 24/7 to see what he might do." So he's blocked from her MySpace account and Yahoo email.

FYI, they also can become involved in the molestation of children themselves, especially if they're living with a perv who is grooming them. I wonder what she has shared with him about her daughter? Pictures, stories, secrets...things that will let him 'know' her well enough that she'll feel safe around him, or else let him dig into her weaknesses to use them against her?

Yes! If you can't get a sting done, I really would consider the idea someone suggested of setting up a new account pretending to be her (my dad is watching my other account), and let him impale himself. It might create an ethical issue between Pablo and his daughter, so I would think about how to do it without it seeming like he's sneaking around behind her back, if she were to find out.

I say this because, since D13 is siding with her mom, longing for her mom, feeling entitled and put upon, I have an almost 100% feeling that she and her mom are going to plan a trip without Pablo's knowledge.

Pablo, is there some place in your town that can provide your D some education in this type of thing? Maybe a shelter she could visit to see victims, a United Way educational program, something like that? Because she is seriously NOT getting what you're saying, and combined with her feelings of being rejected and her mom acting like this goddess who only wants to be with her baby if only mean old daddy would let her...this is going to be too enticing for her to pass up if they make a play for her to come there. Have you notified her school? Bus driver? Neighbors? Friends' parents? They all need to know to be on the lookout. I'm very worried.

Excellent idea! She has counseling this afternoon. I'll see if her counselor knows of someplace where she could actually interact with victims, hear their horror stories first hand, as well as some other programs.

This is a very grave danger. You can't tell enough people...

Also, depending on which email type she has, there are various ways to block emails or redirect them. Some have more options than others, but look and see what you can find.

The most idea would be if you could have it delete out of her account and send to you, as soon as it arrives.

The sting idea is not a bad one at all!

Pablo,

Consider e-mailing w/ this guy.

Or ask the police if they would get involved in this for you.

Or heck, call MSNBC and see if they can arrange a sting operation w/ this guy. They bust on-line predators all the time.

~ Marsh

I got the idea of the "sting" using a false e-mail account from watching a program here on UK TV on CEOP (the special task force set up to apprehend internet paedophiles) - they use it all the time, entering chat rooms and trawling for paedophiles when someone has reported something suspicious - they make contact, then set up a separate e-mail account which the police officer mans, posing as the child. They often say that this is a secret account, that their parents don't have the password - then they flush the guy out. Usually these guys are posing as teenage boys - they then try to arrange a meeting - when the guy shows up to the meeting, they nab him. Here in the UK, there is now a law against "grooming" over the internet. So even if the guy doesn't show up for a meeting, they can still nail him for "grooming". If you couldn't get the police to do it for you, and you did it yourself, you would have to be very careful in the way you talk to him not to raise his suspicions so that he clams up. The police officers who do this are experienced at posing as children. A lot of us parents are not....how many of us have had our kids roll their eyes at us when we think we are being cool!

Also, it is worth noting that there is no way to hide when you are using the internet. All of your communications over the internet can be traced, using the IP address. So even if he uses another computer, an e-mail can be traced back to the exact computer from whence it came, using the IP address, even if he uses a false web-based e-mail account in a false name. I once had to trace an anonymous unpleasant e-mail that came to me - with a little detective work, I managed to get the IP address from the online e-mail company, and actually managed to get into the account from which it had been sent. The person had set it up using a false name and address. From there I tracked down the IP address which had sent the e-mail, which then gave me the telecom company from whom it had originated and the exact time it was sent. I went to the telecom company and the police, who investigated it for me. I couldn't get any further than that, due to the Data Protection Act (UK). The telecom company told the police they knew who had sent it, but because the person had not threatened me with any illegal act, they could not release the information. What I am saying is - be tenacious. If he does end up suggesting illegal activity with a minor, the police should have enough to go on to do something about it.

It may be that your police force does not seem interested in pursuing your case because there isn't a law against "grooming" there (I don't know where you are) - so until he does something that actually breaks the law, there is little they think can do. Are there now federal laws against "grooming"?

The other thing you could think about doing is continuing to try to track down his ex-wife....there must be a reason she left the state and took her children with her so she can't be found.

I'm keeping you in my prayers. I am also mindful that your wife needs help. Right now she is part of the problem, but this may be an opportunity for her healing to begin. By working to protect your daughter, you could be starting your wife on the path to her own healing.

LIR

One more thing I thought of. I would not delete that e-mail he sent her - not yet.

Open it. Go to "View Source" in your e-mail program. Click on that - this will open up the "header" on the e-mail. Those strings of information that appear at the top of the page are the IP addresses that lead back to his computer. The police need this information when they are gathering evidence. Print off the e-mail and make sure you include the header - without that information, the police can't trace it back to his computer. The header also includes the time the e-mail was sent, not just the date it arrived in her inbox.

You have a RO order against this guy, right? Or have had. So this e-mail is evidence that this guy has attempted to make contact with your daughter directly despite the RO against him. That makes the date and time he sent it important. Does this constitute breaking the RO? It's sure evidence that he is determined to get past that RO. The point is, it's evidence. So you need to keep it somehow, although you need to get it out of her inbox. But try to print it off, with the headers, while it is still in her inbox.

LIR

The other thing you can do with your daughter is to take her to the ThinkUKnow website:

http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/

This is set up by CEOP to train children, parents and teachers in how to be safe online. You could have her read some of the true stories on that site as a way of tying to show her that the danger is real.

LIR

LIR, the RO was dismissed yesterday by some idiot judge (see my post above, #3407315 - 02/25/08 01:28 PM). So now, it's just me protecting my daughter for now. Thanks for all that info, especially that website! I think I'll go over it with her tomorrow. Oh, and I don't know of any US laws about grooming but that's something I'll definitely look into.

Here's something that I keep rolling around in my head all day. Your D is in 7th, 8th grade? When I was picking up my D17 at her junior high school,3-4 years ago, I would watch kids doing everything BUT having intercourse, on the school campus! Your D is most definitely old enough to have a somewhat detailed discussion with you about what is going on. And let me tell you, if you are NOT honest with her, she WILL forsake you for her mother. She's exactly at the age where it is vital to give her the respect she is due, and the trust to know she can do the right thing. But she can't do the right thing unless she knows the true story.

Not the gory details, but the psychology behind it. How your W, her M, fell for another man's BS (said without judging her); how her need for his acceptance is clouding her ability to see the danger of what he is saying; how he is a great manipulator (notice the fake jokes in his emails); how this happens every day - men seeming to be a wonderful catch, but secretly looking for the kids, not the woman; how her mother will realize she's been brainwashed some day and be horrified (she really needs to hear this, that her M is not a bad person, coming from you).

She really needs you to be honest with her right now. And non-judgmental about her M. Just stay on this path and you should be fine.

btw, I think you're an amazing father. She's lucky to have you.

Yes, catperson is exactly right.

So sorry this happened to you. But I think justice will prevail. Keep evidence that the pervert emailed your daughter the minute the RO was lifted.

It's comments like that which lift this burden somewhat. Thanks!

Her mom is so persistent. She's asked the daughter to get him back in to her MySpace. I explained to the daughter that just because the court dismissed the RO that I still have rights as her father and if I see his crap in there, I'll discontinue her access to it. So she hates me again (that seems to be standard). I can live with that as long as she's safe. You people help me enormously in that regard. It's late now but I'll be having a long talk with her tomorrow.

Just make sure you don't make it sound like you don't trust her ability to see the wrong in people. Girls who are 13 think they understand the world. They simply have no idea that their perception is but a portion of the truth. But telling them that is suicide for your relationship. Just make sure you are utterly honest with her. She will sense it, either way. If she asks for specific details, don't deny her, but tell her first that you're afraid she can't handle the truth.

fwiw, she is not really mad at you. She is mad at her situation. Don't take it personally, or let her dictate what happens next.