We have all gone through the not eating, waking up all during the night, and the constant sadness. But it does get better.

I would move on and make a good life for myself. If he decides to come clean and be truthful, you might be able to get back together. But he will have to be willing to open up.

Thank you believer. Today has been another very difficult day of crying and howling. My eyes are shut from so much crying and my head hurts. I know this is a process I must go through. I just wish I didn't feel so completely alone and lost.

Now is the time for self care. You need to get out and do things that you enjoy. Also, if you are crying and howling, you might want to see your doc for some anti-D's.

But I promise you it DOES get better. I failed to save my marriage and my life is wonderful again. You will get there too.

It is this dreadful place. We live in a small town, every one knows us. I can't go anywhere without being asked how the SO is. I am trapped in this house that I used to love so much and now only brings me grief.

I am on anti-D and I have to take a sleeping pill at night, but even with the sleeping pill my sleep is fitful. When the anti-D wears off that is when everything that's happened since D-Day comes rushing back and it is just too much to bear. Were it not for my daughter, I am certain I would have attempted suicide to end this horrible agony.

Brokin,

Hang in there this will pass. I believe you really need to think about your life and what you want. I know one thing you don't want, what your SO did to you. So perhaps it is time to consider your life goals again. I know I have mentioned this before and I know you are in great pain, but focus on your future. Is there something you would like to do that would bring great pride to your daughter, your family and friends? If so consider doing it. I have no idea how all of this will work out, but your SO needs a significant change in perspective before you should consider allowing him back in your life. Can he do it? Yes, I am sure he can, it simply takes the true. Will he do it? Now that is the hard question.

So you want to hear the joke.


The cowboy is sitting on a bull, wrapping and rewrapping the lead around his gloved hand trying to get it tighter. His friend is steadying him and telling him. "It's simple, with the points you've got the championship is yours. Just stay on this bull 8 seconds and it is yours, it is that simple."

Two old cowboys were sitting on the fence with their boots hooked on the middle railing. One of the cowboys hitches his head over at the cowboy on the bull and said "that ole boy is about to learn the difference between simple and easy."

Brokin, you are on the ride of your life and what you should do is SIMPLE but it is not easy. Around here everyone calls it the rollercoaster, but I have the feeling that you feel like you have been on a bull ride instead.

Hang in there, do alot of reading here, address your grief, and gradually things will improve and it will become clear what you should do. It really is simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL,

I met for lunch with SO yesterday. It turns out that I am going to be needing his help with the mortgage and household expences until we sell the house. I told him he can move back in and take the spare bedroom. He asked if there were any commitments I expected from him and I said just for him to continue making his share of the payments and help with the upkeep of the house. He said that was a good idea because he couldn't continue living at our friend's and in motels, but that he would let me know today because he had been thinking of getting an apartment for himself.

I had decided to move back to NY once the house was sold where I have family and friends, and where I can get out and have a social life. I discussed it with my daughter and she said that was a great idea. Well, last night she calls me in tears because she doesn't want us moving again - this is the first real home we've had since her dad passed away - and she hates the SO for what he's done to me and our lives. I can't win!!!!

During lunch with SO all he could think to talk about at first was what "I" had done to him by exposing his affair and how he's had to question my sanity as a result of my actions! He also said that it took a lot of nerve for me to ask him to move back in after what "I" have done to him! We then had the "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you" talk.

Simple? Easy? I'm in ******!!!

If I was you, I'd live on stale bread and water until the house was sold, rather than let that poisonous cretin back in. He doesn't get it, and he doesn't get that doesn't get it. I see nothing but misery ahead if you accept him back into the home again.

ManInMotion,

It looks like I am going to have to do just that, stale bread and water.

SO has put off giving me an answer until Thursday. I think it is safe to say that his A is still going strong! And yes, he doesn't get it, and he doesn't get that he doesn't get it.

broken....i also live in a very small and remote area. i am by the water gap on the jersey side. if you want, maybe we can meet and do lunch. i have met a few people from here and we have been a great support to each other. been there, done that club. if your not comfortable with it no problem.

Thank you nikko that would be really nice, but I don't drive which is a big part of my problem and there is no public transportation.

Yesterday SO drove me to NY for an appointment, we barely said two words to each other the entire trip. He has come back to the house but I don't know how long he plans on staying. I don't know which is worst, being here by myself or having him here and not knowing what to say or how to act!

I am trying to act 'normal' and cheerful around him but can't seem to pull it off. I am in too much pain and it shows in my eyes. I read Surviving an Affair but how does that help me when the SO does not seem to want to stay in the relationship?

Between the SO not speaking about the things that need to be said, and my daughter's needs an emotional turmoil as a result of this situation, I continue to be lost with nothing to hold on to, feeling myself fading away with each passing day.

im sorry your hurting. if i can help, give me a shout out here. i am usually in general questions forum and believer could find me. i was also alone when it happened to me. i know the feeling. praying you have a better day today.

Thank you nikko and JL and everyone who has reached out.

I don't even know if I should be posting here any more or go some place else. This is what has happened.

SO came back and it has been pretty awkward. This morning I decided something had to be done so I asked him to come and talk. He said yes and we did for quite a long time. The A was nothing more than a way for him to scape from the unhappyness he has been feeling for "years" with our relationship, and the A is very much over. He aknowledged that he never let me on to his unhappiness and that he carried on to me and everyone else as if his life was just perfect.

He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, if he wants to end the relationship or stay and make it great. I told him we need to know so that we know how to proceed but he says he can't give me an answer just yet.

What am I supposed to do? I can not bear this pain. I can not go from day to day not knowing what my future holds. I would want nothing more than to make this relationship be the very best it can be, but if it isn't meant to be, don't I deserve to know NOW? I don't want to continue loving this man if when he is finally ready to make a decission he is going to tell me he wants out. Am I trying to preassure him into making a dessicion he is not ready to make?

Please help. I need guidance, I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I don't know if I'm qualified to give advice right now, since I'm in almost the same boat. First off, you will still love him no matter what choice he makes, you can't just turn it off . Second, it has to sink in. You definitely deserve to know, but if he can't make up his mind it makes things more complicated. As I told my WS, I need time to figure things out, I don't want to make an irrational decision during such a chaotic time. There are so many things to consider. I wish you the best of luck and wish I could be of more help, but as I said, I'm dealing with an PA that I just recently found out about between my W and BF.

I am so sorry you are going through this Ham9tene72. I am the BS, and the SO is the WS. As the BS I am ready to start working towards a recovery of the relationship.

WS just informed me that though the PA is over he and the OMW still talk to each other twice a week. He again told me that he is not ready to make a decission about us. Am I being played?

As also, I am the BS. In our situation the OM lives about 300 yards away from our home. You can actually see his back steps from our front steps. It's sometimes hard for me to believe there is nothing going on anymore. Working 12hr days makes it even harder. My WS seems awfully remorseful and seems to be more than willing to work things out. I never thought after 9 1/2 yrs and a disabled child, did I once think this could happen to us, we are talking about one of my best friends too. You had mentioned that he was very unhappy in the relationship before the PA. If he's still communicating with the OW, then it's probably not over. I think, in my opinion, he's already made his mind up. Once again, I am truely sorry for the pain you are going through. Keep your head up and be strong, you can get through this.

Thank you Ham9tene72. How can you deal with the pain with him right there and your best friend?

I think you are right about my WS having made up his mind. I think he is having his cake and eating it too.

I forgot to mention.... after exposing the A to my SO's boss, he went to my SO and told him that it was none of his business, asked him if he was doing O.K., told him that the company would pay for his new Blackberry, and gave him a company car. Did his boss just reward him for having an A?

That's seriously messed up. If the affair happened during company time it would be his business. I did the same thing to the OM. I went straight to his boss and told him that if he takes any work orders for our apartment I would beat the crap out of him, so far so good. Yeah, unfortunately he is a maintenance man for the complex I live in also. This really sucks and am having a bad day. Took this week off from work to figure out what I am going to do. Went to my doctor to get some meds to calm me down, it's really been rough today. I drive a truck for a living , not a rig but a 26ft straight truck, I do DSD. Now i HAVE THIS FREE TIME TO THINK AND I THINK IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. The OM should have lost his job for doing what he did on company time, in my own home, on the livingroom floor were my son plays and were we sit as a family. Today is really tough. Sorry for the rambling, just needed to get it out. Thanks for the ear and shoulder to cry on. I'm a 36 yr old man who feels like a 14 yr old girl, and not to mention because my emotions are everywhere I feel like I'm menstrating. Thanks again.

Ham9

I am so sorry for the very difficult time you are going through. This past weekend I hit absolute bottom, couldn't even bring myself to post on this board. I think it did me good though. I feel calmer, my head is a bit clearer, and for now at least, the pain is not quite so unbearable. I've been making time to be with friends and do things that I enjoy. I am taking care of myself, making sure I always look good, even if it means spending a little extra money on myself.

I know how terrible it is to have those triggers around to remind you of your W's A. Though my SO never brought the OMW into our home, for the first week after I found out I couldn't stop cleaning the house. I washed the walls, the floors, the rugs. Vaccumed the furniture, washed the windows, and laundered all the bed linens. As for the things that I knew she had come into contact with, like his business clothes, I cut them all up into little pieces, what I couldn't cut-up, I threw out or burnt.

Getting meds is a really good idea. It really scares me to think what I could have done had I not gotten antiDs. Can you rearrange the furniture in your living room, put down a rug, anything to change what you are looking at and setting off your trigger? Can you go to a gym or the Y and workout?

Feel free to vent. Like I've said before, this site has been a life line for me. I hope you are doing better today.

With the clothes, I did the same thing. I told her every article of clothing that was worn during their PA had to be thrown out. Of course I had to buy the replacement clothes but it was worth every penny. The OM sometimes will drive buy and actually wave or beep the horn to us. I swear I will beat the color out of his skin if he doe's it again. I still feel empty but I am working on it. I am so glad to hear your new attitude, it's inspiring really. I can't seem to find joy with anything I do, so I don't bother. She tries hard to help but sometimes I can't even look at her, that alone is a trigger. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, take care of yourself.