On 6 Jan 2008, I found out that my wife of seven years and 3 kids was having a affair with my friend and fire chief. I never saw this coming, I was destroyed. After a week of fighting and stuff, I decided to make this work, well after that I found a bunch of emails between them that talked about having a relationship after I left. guess she was surprised I stayed. If that wasn't enough, after more fighting and more discussions, I still stayed. Then about 3 weeks after finding out, she contacted him to call the cops of me for getting angery and turning off her cell phone.

At this point our relationship is on the rocks. She wants "time" to sort out her feelings, to decided if she is here for the right reasons. I have read all the articles, read as much as I could. She is in indivial counceling and we are in marriage councleing. My problem is trying to get over the whole affair, then the "I wanna make sure I am here for the right reasons". I thought love was the right reason. Basically, I am confused, I titer everyday weather to stay or go.
I know I am verbally abusive to her, I say things to her that I shouldn't, I tell her I want a divorce then change my mind. I am just so hurt and confused on all this and not sure what to do. She suggested reading some of this, but i found the forums too. I am trying to work through this, I love my wife with all my heart, but this is hard. The hardest thing in my life.

Is there any advice? Anything I should/shouldn't do? I need help.

thanks

If the fire chief is married or has a girlfriend then you need to expose this affair to them. You also need to contact his boss. By not saying anything you are sending a message that it was acceptable for your friend to have sex with your wife. By not saying anything you allow the both of them to resume the relationship when they feel like it in the future. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. I would check out a lawyer just to understand your various legal options.

I did, I have gone to the fire commission to have him removed from office. He is a single man, with no girl friend at all. Although my wife does not understand why I did this nor does she think it is fair. I have tried to explain to her, but without luck.

Her and I are trying to work on this, but it is hard. Trying to forgive is tough. I have done some major steps to improve myself and taken great strides to fix me. I am not sure that she has done anything more than just goto her councilor. Not sure if that is working out or not. Some of his advice is not what I either wanna hear or like.

This whole thing is rough, it is tearing me up inside. I am playing "games" to see if she still loves me or not. I know it is not fair to her, but I am hurting and she seems to have built a wall around herself to make herself not feel anything.

This is the toughest thing in my life. My whole family is up in the air. I am not sure to stay or go. If I stay, I know the road is hard and have to rebuild trust, if I go, I know I can make it alone, but not sure if I want too. She is a awesome women aside from current events. I am so torn, and looking for advice from others who have had this problem.

Thanks

This is difficult that the OM has no girlfriend or wife. Only you can decide what is best for you. I would hope that you both be checked for STD's before you resume intimacy if you do. Has she shown true remorse? How long did the affair continue? Did she confess or was she caught? What were her reasons? What did she expect to happen with your marriage?

Just to give everyone a update, since I have gone for some time. Seems that my wife decided to contact the Deputy Chief to tell her side of the story to protect this guy. So I lost it, filed for divorce and got mad. Well she went and got a restarining order on me and I was moved outta my house for 10 days. She took me away from the kids and everything. Well the next day she found out how bad she screwed my career and decided that it was time to remove it, well that didn't go over very well. The judge denied it.

Well just as I thought some time away would be good, we continued to talk, tried to work on stuff with eachother and seemed ok, but when i got back home, I found out that she was still talking to him and also, told her friends that she was divorceing me and that it took her seven years to decide I was a [censored] and a manipulator. I confronted her about all this and she just said "well lets just get a divorce cause I can't handle all the snooping.". She created a new email address, a new myspace to talk to other eople and lied to me about it.

So here are my questions, have I gone to far with the checking on her? She told me to look at her emails, check behind her, but when I see something she gets mad.

How do i regain the trust that is broken? Is this more my fault? I ask cause I am having a hard time letting go, I can't seem to forgive her cause she doesn't stop what I am suppose to forgive.

I love her so much, but my anger and resentment is pretty hard to let go. does anyone have any advice?

Be mad but control the anger.

Read up on plan A.

Read the Harley's articles.

Call the Harley's for counciling.

Chuck,

A couple of suggestions:

1. Don't put too much credence in what your W says. Her actions have yet to prove that her words can be trusted. Remember the old adage "Actions speak louder than words". At this moment, you have a W only on paper so until she becomes a W in deed, view her as simply the mother of your children.

2. Learn to control yourself and not react like a time bomb every time you learn something unpleasant about your W's actions. If she tries to goad you into losing your cool, breathe deeply and simply walk away from her without saying a word. Do not give her the satisfaction of justifying her betrayal because of your past behavior.

3. Hold off on initiating any relationship talks with your W. If she tries to initiate a conversation, indulge her, hold your tongue and listen to her attentively. If she asks you for your opinion, acknowledge her POV but explain to her that you are still pondering your options.

4. Take care of yourself physically and if you need to, go see a doctor. Also consider going to IC (individual counseling) to address your issues that may be contributing negatively to YOUR emotional health. Remember that no matter what happens to your marriage, your children need their father to be emotionally, physically and emotionally healthy.

5. Try to spend as much quality time with your children. They will keep you centered and give you purpose.

6. Lastly, while your anger and bitterness are natural under circumstances, please be aware that they are extremely toxic over the long run. So much so that your wellbeing and that of your children will be endangered by them. It's not far fetched to say that anger and bitterness are much, much worse than the affair itself. So when you feel them, remember that they are not your allies but your enemies.

I know this, the problem is she is so into her world about this that she refused to acknowledge the reason for all my anger. Yes I was angry before, but way not to this level I am today. I feel like she just ignores my feelings, doesn't wanna listen to me at all, just completely shuts me out.
I am certain she feels the same sometimes. We can't talk much because of the anger issues, I usually loose it through the converstation cause she seems to have a way to point things towards me, just like I do her.
I do love her, but I am not sure we can survive.

Chuck,

If she is continuing to have a sexual affair with this OM then you are wasting your time. No contact is absolutely essential. If you were to have a sexual affair with another woman and continued to be in the affair; do you honestly believe that your wife would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you and remain living together? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

She has become a cake-eater who is allowed to remain in a marriage and have a lover on the side. Her continued contact with this OM is just rubbing it in your face. A marriage is between two people and not three. If your wife refuses to understand this then you are wasting your time because your wife simply does not care how humiliated you continue to be by her behavior.