Quick overview of my marriage. My h had an emotional affair starting 5/07 turned sexual 7/07. I discovered the A 9/1/07. H left, moved in with friend and continued the affair. Friend was Best man in our wedding encouraged H to come back home. H saw changes I made to improve my self and returned home 10/07. OW and H work together. I have tried encouarging H to leave but he refuses. He also refuses any form of counseling and will not read Dr. Harley's books or let me read them to him.

H and OW have started back up the A. H is still living at home and threatened to leave 1/08 but has not yet. He has taken this as an opportunity to not do anything to work on our relationship and has become increasingly secretive.

I have asked H to leave because it is making me severly depressed and I feel he is taking advantage of me. He told me he wanted to find a place first but has not yet. I feel trapped.

I am considering taking anti-depressants because I have lost the will to live. The only thing keeping me from doing something drastic is the fact that I have 2 small children.

I was wondering if you thought making rules of the houe would help. I'm hoping that if he sees them he will either follow them, or leave me.

Here is the list:

Rules of the House
Be Respectful:
*No Excessive contact with the opposite sex.
*Absolutely no contact with past lovers.
*Wear your wedding ring.
*Avoid Love Busters

Trust:
*Honesty and Openness are crucial. Nothing should be hidden between husband and wife. All Computers, phones and email accounts should be accessible.
*Follow the Policy of Radical Honesty
*When a lie is made, it should be confessed as soon as possible. If you feel an explanation is necessary, then please embellish. We will work through why there was a need to lie and what to do to resolve whatever issues are involved.
*Omission of the truth is also a lie vs. telling the truth about something wrong.


Communication:
*We will follow the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation and The Policy of Undivided Attention.
*Since we are unable to communicate to each other honestly and considerately we need help to do so. We need to see a counselor once a week as a mediator to help us resolve our issues.
*Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

Spouse and Family Come First:
*Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
*Work hours Conducive to having a family and a marital relationship. Work hours that are appropriate with daycare and are the same as your spouse. This would have to be done regardless if we were living apart. It only seems rational to do it now to make time for family and spouse.
*Work on Emotional Needs
*We need to make a schedule for each other so we can plan the future with respect and consideration towards each other.


I understand that slip-ups are inevitable. But honesty is crucial in this to build trust. When slip-ups are made we need to discuss them and how to prevent them in the future.

These rules must be followed in order to be a part of this family and a part of this household. If you choose to NOT follow the rules you choose to no longer be an ally, you CHOOSE to make yourself a threat. This is unacceptable.
You understand that I have no where to go and that I have to stay here so our children have a home. If you choose to stay here and not follow the rules, you will be taking advantage of me.


Thank you for any help.

Ok, I am just going to jump into this because I don't know anything about your sitch and I have a few questions.

Are you working Plan A?

Do you want your M?

First, I suggest that you take the anti-D's. Then, by all means, let hubby know that you are not interested in a third party in the marriage.

Get your ducks in a row, finances in order, and prepare to go to Plan B.

Giving him "rules" is a waste of time. He doesn't respect you.

You can't educate your spouse.

His mind is... Rules? I don't need no stinkin rules."

I think I got this from Mark...

"Your spouse doesn't care how much you know. they need to know how much you care..."