Last night, my wife went out to a local bar with one of our female friends. The female friends boyfriend stayed home with me and watched a movie. My wife came home around 11:30 and was fine. We were in bed going to sleep, she already was, and I heard her cell phone ring. I didn't get up in time to get it but I brought it back into her and saw that a guy called her and left a message at 12:35a.m. I know this is a guy that she went to high school with and they were really good friends. He lives a couple of hours away. I asked her if she wanted to check her voicemail and she said no. I asked her about him calling so late and she kind of got upset with me. Do I have a reason to be worried? I've never had a reason not to trust my wife in the past. I noticed that there was an outgoing call to this friend for about 5 minutes while she was at the bar. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I would be watching her like a HAWK before something starts up here. Nor would I go out alone separately. You are married people and should be acting like it now. Going out like single people is just ASKING for trouble.

I would suggest checking her cell phone bill to see how often she talks to this guy.
It is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but lack of boundaries.

Next Saturday night, why don't your wife and you go do something together? And be sure to be spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

We do stuff together on a regular basis. It is hard to spend 15 hours a week doing fun stuff with 2 kids. We normally go out together, but this particular night I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to stay in. She has only been out by herself 2-4 times per year. It is never a regular thing.

The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week WITHOUT the kids. It is hard, but doable.

Stick with us and make sure you are meeting all of her emotional needs.

I've checked the detailed billing on the phone and she has not called him in the previous month. I guess this is a little relief. I've been screwed around on before in previous relationships and this is why I am always a little leary.

YOU should have checked the voicemail. People with nothing to hide...hide nothing. Secrets have no place in a marriage and they should not be tolerated.

No more single-style outings for a while.

In my book, the man behaved inappropriately, not your wife. She cannot control what time he calls. (Though she may be guilty of encouraging a return call.) And, yes, he may have done so to start a fight. Knowing you are married and calling so late, you can argue this man is not a friend to your marriage. But that is too much to confront your wife with at this time.

She wasn't interested enough to pick up voice mail. Good sign. Is she transparent? If she hasn't erased it, ask to listen to it. If she is non-chalant and let's you, that is a good sign there is no affair. If she gets angry and defensive, siting privacy, keep your eyes open.

I asked her if she wanted to check her voicemail and she said no. The next morning she did not check her voicemail either. Later on yesterday I noticed the phone was moved and she had checked and deleted her voicemail. I didn't want to push the subject of listening to the voicemail but I asked her several times while asking her about it and she didn't want to listen to it then. Could it be because she didn't want me to ask to listen?

jayhawker, it could have been boredom. "Just friends" messages can be non-critical to life. I think affair-type voice mail would have resulted in her taking a quick trip to the bathroom with cell phone in hand. If you noticed her doing that, she would have accused you of jealousy, yelled about privacy and trust, etc.

Since none of this happened, be careful not to make the same mistake many of us make: Disrespectful jusgements and angry outbursts that make the "just friend" more and more appealing.

yep...most likely that's what it is!

I think just the opposite is true. She most likely wanted to play it off as nothing. More likely than not...there is a problem.

I talked to her a little about it over lunch today. She said she didn't tell me about the phone call earlier in the evening to him because she knew I would get upset and blow it out or proportion. She says it is no different than talking to one of her female friends because she has always considered him a friend and nothing more. I should probably keep up on the situation though just in case.

Now you know what it feels like to be "gaslighted" ... she just LIED to you so you would question your own instincts, and it worked. Expect more of the same.

exactly

Jhawker,

Do you know the guy? Have you ever met him? Is he married?

Could you call him and ask him what was that late night phone call about?

kirk

Classic gas-lighting. See - she's made it seem like the problem's with YOU, and she was only dishonest because of YOU?

There are number of sites and books that talk about gas-lighting. You might want to do some research, to arm yourself against when your W does this to you again.

Also, this would be a very good time to check your home computer for any e-mail exchanges between the "friend" and your W.

Not saying anything has happened, but this is how ALL affairs start.

Keep your eyes wide open, and be very alert to any indication your W needs some "alone" time. Marriages NEVER need alone time.

In the mean time, read all you can about adultery on this website, and read as many posts as you can. You will learn a ton in a short time, and be forewarned about numerous red flags to be watching for.

Hopefully, you've caught this in time to manage it properly, and not let it get to either an EA or PA.

I've met him once at our wedding 5 years ago. He is not married.

I have a hard time believing she would be having an affair. I don't have a problem with her talking to old friends, or new friends for that matter. Phone calls at 12:35a.m. are a little weird though.

She says that all he did was leave a message saying that he was glad to hear from her earlier in the evening and it was nice talking to her. He was drunk when he called supposedly.

So did everyone else here!