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RH, I've been watching this thread develop with great interest over the last few days. My first thought after reading your original post was that you aren't really looking for a solution. You want someone 'fellas' to agree with you that your W should be doing the things you are requesting. I am hoping to give you a slightly different perspective on this because my H and I have had the same issue - only we have been married 19 years.

As you can see from my signature, my H and I have been separated about 7 months due to a lot of the things you have mentioned here - unresolved conflicts. Conflict avoider styles (his and mine). His reliance on 'logic' as a basis for resolving conflicts. My inability to adequately express my feelings, his insistence on discounting my feelings, etc. It's basically a two-way street.

You sound very committed to being in the marriage for the long haul (btw, you are right about your mother. There will be problems in any relationship so you might as well stick it out with your 1st spouse and figure out how to resolve the issues) that is great. That attitude will serve you well over the years.

So, my H and I are trying to reconcile. The FIRST thing he brought up in counseling was the fact that he hated the clutter. Here is what the counselor told us:

1.You need to express your feelings about the clutter - e.g., clutter makes you feel stressed. You worry that someone will come into the home and see the clutter and judge you, etc. (NOT, 'it's your job to do this - why isn't it being done?')

2. She needs to be able to express her feelings about the clutter. e.g., the clutter doesn't bother her so much. She feels overwhelmed with taking care of a two year old all day. She feels inadequate when you start criticizing her, etc.

3. Then you need to negotiate on this issue. This means you find a workable solution. Again, not 'she should do this, it's her job.' For example, my H and I agreed that the 'public areas' of our home should be as clutter free as possible. I.e, the kitchen and den. The way we will accomplish this is I will designate a cabinet in the kitchen to store (out of sight) all the papers, etc. that make up the bulk of the clutter on the counter. You could also agree, that before bed the two of you take a few minutes and pick up things and return them to the right rooms (e.g. the bedrooms).

We did not agree that the house would be clutter free all time. If he is starting to feel stressed about the clutter he is to tell me and I will address the problem as soon as I can.

4. Finally, the MC told us, this is an ongoing issue. It will never be a once and done type thing. We will constantly be negotiating this for the rest of our marriage. It is, in fact, an issue in his own marriage.

The point is you seem to be looking for a final answer here and that's not going to happen. Marriage is a life long series of negotiations. You also need to stop focusing on 'opinions;' (It's her job, I do my job, she needs to do hers) and start focusing on the underlying feelings. I guarantee she will respond much better because she will feel less criticized.

I am running out the door to work, please excuse the typos and grammar. I will edit tonight.


Me 46
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Rhindle, I've been pondering your posts quite alot. Another thing that struck me is, do you notice and acknowledge to your W her positives?

The actual noticing has been a difficult issue for me because it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. So with the help of MANY great folks here I had to dig deep and with open mind to 'notice' ALL the good things. Then I needed to put them to memory and also acknowledge them to my H. We are still working on meeting my EN's however I have to admit just by 'noticing' the effort that is being put into our M, my H is trying, trying very hard.

I do at times fall back into the bad habits of I want what I want and I want it now...YIKES! It's a continuing learning experience.

I hope this helps in at least some way.


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Rhindle, I know how you feel. I just posted on another thread that my H doesn't contribute to the household chores. I have 1 full time and two part time jobs, I get up @ 5:30 a.m. to personal train, go to work in a construction co. (running heavy equip) then 3 mights a week I teach aerobics. The other 4 nights a week I babysit our 4 yr old grandson.

I love my H with all my heart, but he is the typical arrogant egotistical american male who believes:

Housework is womens work, and beneath him. He doesn't help or do pretty much any housework, so he has no idea how much work it is.

Thats pretty insulting, don't you think?

Well, in some ways, you post sends a similar message. How have I resolved this? I haven't. My H the few times he had to take care of the home( after I had a bad accident and was in traction for 2 mos)all he did was piss and moan how hard it was. You would think he would have come to the conclusion that it a lot of work to keep a home up and running...

So back to your situation...

I want a spotless house (I grew up in a pig-sty, 5 siblings, mom was an alcholoic I am the oldest daughter, I raised my bros and sis and did pretty much everything)so if i want things to be clean and neat, I have to do them myself.

Thats the deal. I harbor some anger and resntment towards my H.

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Quote:

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~ Criticism over the way I do housework causes me to put on the brakes. I go on strike.




It's not how it's done, it's just not done at all. Since you ditto what catlover said then you agree that she should be doing the lion's share of the housework therefore I think you both agree that is part of her job as a SAHM. If my wife were to criticize my job, say I don't make enough money, hours are too long, too much travel, etc., should I go on strike? That probably wouldn't be good for anyone.




If you could, you would go on strike. A woman at home can certainly take a day or two off housework to prove a point. I do so every now and then so my DH can see just how much DOES get done everyday. You'd be amazed at just how much daily do-over, do-over housework there is with two children.

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~ Specific, doable requests worded as thoughtful requests do work -- though not always instantly. "Honey, would you mind cleaning off the desk today?" works. (It make take 2-3 days depending on the demands of her schedule.)




I think she would find it irritating if I were to ask her to clean up the clutter in a certain area, but I may have to take that chance.




I'd preface it, "Would it be easier for you if I only ask one small area of our home to be cleaned per day?" If she says, "Yes," then you have found a point of joint agreement. You may find her enthusiastic.

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~ Honey-do lists do work **if** handled as thoughtful requests and don't exceed more than two requests per day. Again, make sure they are specific, doable (in her book) requests.




Understood.




Given the volatile point you two are at right now, I would start with just one request per day.

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~ Making demands as if her boss creates a master/slave dynamic. That never works. Child-rearing alone balances out what you provide for her. Imagine paying a sitter $6/hr, 24/hrs per day, 7 days a week, and you get my drift .




I never make demands as if I were her boss so there is no master/slave thing going on. We both are pretty equal as far as 'power' is concerned. So child rearing alone balances out what I provide for her? If this is the case are you saying I 'owe' her if I want her to keep the house clean?? What does this mean? I pay for all of her worldly needs and most of her wants. Food, clothing, shelter, car... this may sound harsh, but here goes... if I weren't paying for her needs and wants I'd be paying someone else. Correct?




I am available for babysitting/housecleaning. My price for housecleaning without babysitting? $15/hour. My price for sitting two children? Minimum $7/hour. Your wife is contributing $61,320 value per year in raising two children. Add in housework -- let's say you get a fabulous deal of sitting two children $7/hour and two hours average of housework per day at $12/hour. That is a value of $70,080 per year. You see. A woman's contribution is truly valuable when translated into a man's perception of 'earnings.'

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She's organized the toys about as well as they could be organized. Now if she could just do that for the other areas of the house and keep them organized (clean) we'd be in good shape.




At least you have a basis for a beginning.

I have read many of your responses, and, yes, they are filled with 'disrespectful judgements' toward your wife -- and even women in general. This tells me this is a very raw and emotional issue for you. Please take a step back and take this one step at a time.

Claim one area at a time. Your wife needs to know that you want the path to the washer/dryer clear. Word it nicely, give her time to comply, remind her nicely, offer help on providing good storage areas for the things she tends to leave there.

I would also loose the "I'm doing so much" angle until after you give your wife a weekend off and take care of the children 100% on your own (no calling Mom to help out.) My ex-fiance soon quieted the criticism on my child-rearing when he found out just how hard it is. I suspect you will tell me you already tried this. But did your wife pack the diaper bag? Did she make sure you had enough groceries in the house for the children? Did she make sure bath supplies were there and available to you? Clean towels?

You understand my point in this. When you are a SAHM, you start from SCRATCH. You have to attend to ALL of these things yourself. I found it annoying that my son's father would get a trophy for changing a diaper -- when I shopped for the diapers, the rash cream, put them in the bag along with the wipes, handed his father the diaper changing pad, and dressed my son after -- because dad forgot the pants! You get the point on that too .

Try to step back from the anger. Try to step back from the (subconscious) sexism. Try to see the $$ value in the work your wife already provides. Work with her to keep your home clean at your level. Stop equating hours for hours. It does get easier as the kids get older -- but a two-year-old? Still lots of work. Most mom's are so exhausted, they nap when the child naps -- and that's what's done with those two hours.

I especially love that my DH will do long projects with me that better our household. Do think about adding a two hour project each weekend that the two of you do together. Let her lead sometimes. Projects like assembling the furniture, winterizing or summerizing the house. She will get a taste of what you do, while getting the message that we are in this together. How we keep our home is something we do together.

She lacks motivation and energy from what I read. Motivation comes from within; help her love her home. Energy -- that's kids. They zap mom's. She's trying to be a Super Mom. Let her off the hook a little on that one too. But she may also be hiding behind the Super Mom crown in order to avoid housework. This is something you both need to work on together.


Me 40 DH 43 Multiple EAs. DH has learned the diff btn platonic and "not just friends." M 5/07 My first, his third DS 6 (with biofather as of 9/07, shared custody) I'm happier since MB. 2/28/08 Recommitment to marriage by both
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Rhindle,

Just a thought after reading these posts:

Do you think your wife may be depressed? I was a SAHM for the early to elementary school years and found myself in a depression and exhibited the same things you are complaining about.

I was totally organized in terms of toys, appts., dinners etc. but the house was soooo cluttered! I found trying to just START clearing out some clutter to be overwhelming.

Every so often with my H's help we'd do a TOTAL de-clutter (usually took a whole weekend) and I'd say THATS IT! From now on, I will de-clutter as I go, keep it neat, etc... that usually lasted a few days and it would slip again.

All the "communicating" in the world from hubby would not work. Whether he did it right or wrong. It was definitely a by-product of my depression, along with many other things.

After getting treatment for my depression, I found doing the everyday clutter maintenance to be a breeze. Thankfully, we have lived clutter-free (OK, not possible but 95% free) for the last several years.

Ok, this may be a stretch, but its just something I kept going back to in my mind from my POV.

Good luck!


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Quote:

It tells me that you are indeed in a battle. You both are feeling offended, ignored, and minimized.




DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!! We have a winner! This is exactly what I think is going on.


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Quote:

You'd be amazed at just how much daily do-over, do-over housework there is with two children




This made me laugh. My DH does appreciate what I do day in and day out but sometimes the kids don't get it. They have chores so they think they are doing the lions share. It's the over and over small stuff that really adds up. I was sick for 3 days and the house was a pit. DH pointed it out to them and said "see, this is what mom does for us every day." I love that man.


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MizzJuneBug,

Wow, you definitely brought a lot of insight to the conversation here! I guess as always, it is a compromise. I know I have done a remarkably poor job this time around in communicating to my wife about my feelings about the clutter. I will certainly save what you said here for future reference. I guess I just have to think like a woman (and hopefully she will try to think like a man to see where I'm coming from) and my life will be much better. As they say, when mama's happy, everyone is happy!

Thanks again so much for your input!

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As a SAHM for almost 15 years I can tell you that it is not easy. We have 4 kids ages 14,12,11 and 5. You have addressed the physical part but not the emotional part. It can be quite draining at times. If I have my time line right you got married and she got pregnant right away. Then she had a rough pregnancy. She has been a SAHM for over 5 years. I remember way back when I had a 5 year old in school and a 3&2 year old at home. Sometimes you just look around and say to yourself "where do I start?" You have to realize that you can never truly understand what your wife goes through emotionally day in and day out as a SAHM. Your wife can not truly understand what you go through emotionally day in and day out as sole bread winner. You just have to trust that you both are doing your best to take care of your family. Here are some things I went through over the years:

Every once in a while I felt unappreciated and I would talk to my husband about this. This is how I explained it to him. He goes to work and get a paycheck (validation). When he does something for his co-workers he gets an atta boy (validation). He does well and gets a yearly raving written review (validation) and a raise (validation) and a bonus (validation). I have no co-works, no boss, no paycheck no review. I just have to know I am doing a good job. Do you see my point? You are the only one that can give her feedback that will truly mean anything to her. If it is mostly negative then why should she bother?

One of the BEST gifts my DH gave me was for Christmas a couple of years ago. We were alone and he handed me some papers. He gave me a review! He is a manager and does reviews for his employee's. He took the format for them and tweaked it to list everything I did for the "company" He put comments in just like he would for one of his employees. I was so touched I cried. It must have taken him a long time to do and showed me not only did he realize what I did for the family but that he really appreciates it.

It is obvious the current chore agreement is not working. IMO you should pick just a couple of things that really bother you and ask her to concentrate on them. If it’s the dishes then tell her. If you want the first room you walk in to be neat or the bedroom just have her work on just that room. Maybe say something like “Honey I know it must be draining on you being with the kids all day and it seems like the division of chores is too stressful for both of us. How about we sit down and think about how we should change it.”

You come home and see what needs to be done. She basically stays home with it constantly around her. No change in environment to see things from fresh eyes.


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mvg,

Another excellent point. I have NOT been noticing her positives. I probably didn't mention this, but she was doing a great job of cleaning a few weeks ago for 2-3 weeks in a row and then it just stopped. I rarely mentioned anything to her because in my mind I was like, "Ok, now this is how it is SUPPOSED to be.' and didn't really give her any praise (or very little).

We finally spoke (well, IM'd) today about this most recent problem. Come to find out she has been feeling pretty bad and my 5 year old has the flu really bad. I knew she was sick a for a couple of weeks a couple of weeks ago, but when you hear your spouse (or anyone) say they are sick so often you sometimes become numb to it and don't pay much attention. She gets sick a lot and so do my kids. She also took on a big role in the yearbook team that has some crazy deadlines and she's been spending untold hours on that project.

Currently I've been doing a lot of studying 3 times a week after work and when I do come home I play with the kids until they have to go to bed then I exercise for an hour or so, eat dinner.. all the while my wife is working on her yearbook thing or winds down to some TV. We don't spend hardly any time together and we are going to address that immediately.

Thanks again for your input!

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valentinespice,

Some pretty strong statements there, but I appreciate your feedback. Since my wife and I have initially discussed this issue and are back on good terms I will refrain from responding to some of your more negative/aggressive comments. I know everyone here only knows what they know about me and my wife based on what I've said, but sometimes the assumptions people make are dead wrong. I know how to take care of the children and have many times. I am the oldest of 5 and changed plenty of poopy diapers before I was a teenager so I am well versed in that area.

I said I wasn't going to respond, but I cannot help this one... I understand the value of my wife's work in the home and I totally understand it can be a very difficult and stressful job. But show me the job that you can apply for that pays you $70,080 for house cleaning and baby sitting. I'm going to guess it doesn't exist. Do you know anyone that actually has this job and gets paid $70,080 a year to do it? I appreciate and understand the point you are trying to make (I've even sent my wife a 'check' for how much her worth would be in dollars before as a gesture of my appreciation of her hard work), but unless I'm mistaken that position doesn't exist in the real world that I know of. If it does then I respectfully retract this statement.

Does your husband earn all the income, pay the bills, do his own laundry, cook his own dinner and trade Saturday's with you so you can sleep in? I'm saying I think I DO do a lot compared to other husbands. That was one thing I was trying to get a feel from with this post, but it appears only women have responded. Should you lose the 'you do so much' angle when you really do?

I'm glad I've been able to provide you with some entertainment and a target for you to call a self-righteous sexist without even knowing me. I hear what you're saying, but I think you're comments and suggestions are going to fall on deaf ears when you speak to someone you don't even know in such a disrespectful way. And you are trying to tell me how to talk to my wife?

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Fraggles,

Thanks for the input. My wife has suffered from depression in the past, but as far as I can tell I don't think it is an issue right now. She hasn't mentioned it anyway. Per my earlier post I discover that she has not been feeling well lately. I mean, I knew she was sick a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't realize she was still sick and not feeling well while taking care of a very sick 5 year old and fighting a deadline to get the yearbook finished for my son's school.

This is what happens when you don't communicate or talk very much! This is one of the busiest times in my life with my studying, exercising, diet adjustment, reading my bible every day and those are EXTRA things on top of 'normal' stuff like going to work, spending time with the kids, etc.

The whole problem here was just as most women here have said is communication. I've definitely learned a valuable lesson and appreciate the input!

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Quote:

Quote:

It tells me that you are indeed in a battle. You both are feeling offended, ignored, and minimized.




DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!! We have a winner! This is exactly what I think is going on.




Agreed!

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suamico,

I might have to borrow that line if I get a reaction like yours! I will eventually realize what she does every day and will learn to appreciate it. When all you see is, well, what you see when you get home day in and day out it's hard to put yourself in the other person's shoes and make sense of it. Remember that a man's mind is simple. "House should be clean. House not clean. Wife at house all day. Why house not clean?"


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Quote:

valentinespice,

Some pretty strong statements there, but I appreciate your feedback. Since my wife and I have initially discussed this issue and are back on good terms I will refrain from responding to some of your more negative/aggressive comments. I know everyone here only knows what they know about me and my wife based on what I've said, but sometimes the assumptions people make are dead wrong. I know how to take care of the children and have many times. I am the oldest of 5 and changed plenty of poopy diapers before I was a teenager so I am well versed in that area.




This is very good to read. I believe men can be every bit the great parent that women can be. That is why my son's biofather has primary custody this year. I trust in the fact that he can father equally well to my ability to mother our child.

However, some men are not well versed in what women do in terms of childcare, so I apologize if I made that assumption.

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I said I wasn't going to respond, but I cannot help this one... I understand the value of my wife's work in the home and I totally understand it can be a very difficult and stressful job. But show me the job that you can apply for that pays you $70,080 for house cleaning and baby sitting. I'm going to guess it doesn't exist. Do you know anyone that actually has this job and gets paid $70,080 a year to do it? I appreciate and understand the point you are trying to make (I've even sent my wife a 'check' for how much her worth would be in dollars before as a gesture of my appreciation of her hard work), but unless I'm mistaken that position doesn't exist in the real world that I know of. If it does then I respectfully retract this statement.




These tend to be in and out jobs because they are so stressful. $15/hour for housework is for the elbow-deep, tough cleaning jobs, so no, most people don't want to do that 8 hours a day. Same with babysitting, no, people don't want to do that around the clock. But a mother must. If someone asked me to sit 2 children for two days, I would pull out the calculator, calculate $7 x 48 hours, and charge that amount. So, yes, I would get that pay. It's just that -- if they are not my children, and I am not vested in them -- I would not want to do it 365 days per year.

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Does your husband earn all the income,




At this time, my husband earns 90% of the household money with the exception of the mad money we earn selling rare goods. Those profits we split 50/50. (I am in the market for a standard job just as soon as a financial situation passes.)

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pay the bills,


most of them

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do his own laundry,


I wash his every day clothes, he washes the rest
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cook his own dinner


yes, I'm vegetarian, he doesn't want me to cook for him
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and trade Saturday's with you so you can sleep in?


He lets me sleep in whenever I need to. If I am sleeping and my son is here, he makes him breakfast and instructs my son not to wake me up.

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I'm saying I think I DO do a lot compared to other husbands. That was one thing I was trying to get a feel from with this post, but it appears only women have responded.




This thread would get women a bit on the defensive side, simply because many of us have walked in your wife's shoes. It doesn't mean you are all wrong. In fact, I too believe that she should do the "lions share" of the housework out of respect and love for you.

We are giving you tips on how to approach this, not slamming your character. (If you are taking it that way, understand it's not intentional.

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Should you lose the 'you do so much' angle when you really do?


I'm sorry, but this would cause so many women to roll their eyes. I can't count how many times I wished I ONLY had to go to an eight hour a day job like my ex-fiance (son's father.) If I ONLY had to do the man's chores. From the SAHM's side, it's your life that seems so easy. I'm sorry if you find that offensive given how much you do, but it is just true.

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I'm glad I've been able to provide you with some entertainment and a target for you to call a self-righteous sexist without even knowing me.




You are taking the term sexist way too strongly here. It was not intended as a character assination. We all have degrees of sexism ingrained in us. I prefer my husband to do the typically male chores because he is physically stronger, but I love to shovel -- he gets teased by his friends when they see the "woman" has cleared the drive again. We all have degrees of this. We need to work on it when only when it causes a problem.

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I hear what you're saying, but I think you're comments and suggestions are going to fall on deaf ears when you speak to someone you don't even know in such a disrespectful way. And you are trying to tell me how to talk to my wife?




I think the term "disrespectful judgement" was taking incorrectly too. I was referring to it in terms of trying to force the other party to see and adhere to your point of view. No, I do not think you are the kind of guy that would call your wife a "lazy slob" or anything like that.

This is such a classic argument that many of us are struggling with (including me) at this very moment. Please don't take any individual criticisms so intently. We are speaking from our own points of view. We are being honest. No one has ill-intent here. Peace .


Me 40 DH 43 Multiple EAs. DH has learned the diff btn platonic and "not just friends." M 5/07 My first, his third DS 6 (with biofather as of 9/07, shared custody) I'm happier since MB. 2/28/08 Recommitment to marriage by both
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rhin, as you can see there is a vastly different POV on the subject of chores and child rearing depending on which way you are looking at it.

The folks who have responded have really hit the nail on the head.

As a woman who works 60 hours a week, handles 90% of all household chores (and, by the way, I do all the landscaping, lawn mowing, I just came here to work from plowing our drive as well as 9 others)if my husband criticized me like you have to your wife (esp. if I was a SAHM) I would tell you that if you didn't like it, to kiss my you know what.

Do you have any idea how lucky you are to leave the house, go be with the "big" people, and have a life outside of home?

I can tell you it is exhausting to just DEAL with a toddler all day...forget the housework.

And you get to exercise, and what else? How about she come to YOUR work, and critique what YOU do?

Don't get pissed at me...but I have been married 20 years...and have had many arguements about the division of household labor.

Suffuce it to say. you and your wife need to see this from both sides.You are not doing her a "favor" by taking care of the little ones, bathing, story time, geez these are YOUR KIDS TOO> I apologise, but it really makes me mad when I hear men refer to taking care of THEIR kids as "babysitting", or view this participation as a "favor" to their wife.

The advice and reponces on this post, well, I just want to say THANKS to the folks who answered...the subject of validation is a very good example of what motivates someone.

For those of you who have a stay at home wife or hubby, tonight when you get home, tell them how much you appreciate them. Show them also....schedule yourself to take over for them a couple nights a week so they can get out, or get away from the house and the kids.

We should all have to walk in anothers shoes.

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suamico,

I might have to borrow that line if I get a reaction like yours! I will eventually realize what she does every day and will learn to appreciate it. When all you see is, well, what you see when you get home day in and day out it's hard to put yourself in the other person's shoes and make sense of it. Remember that a man's mind is simple. "House should be clean. House not clean. Wife at house all day. Why house not clean?"






What line?

There are terms here that are hitting me in this post. One is chores. I don't know why but this one bugs me. As a whole we manage the household as best as we can. There are some things I mostly do and some he mostly does. If something needs to be done and we have the time and energy we do it and not wait for the other because it is their chore. I know in some marriages our way wouldn't work but for us it does.

The other term that bugs me is Lions share. What does that even mean? That sounds like a subjective term. We all as humans see things from one point of view, ours. We have to think about what someone else's view would be because we are not in their head. Even if they tell us we still don't get the full picture. That is why I said you both have to trust that you each are doing what you can for the good of the family as a whole. For me it boils down to intent. Do you think your wife intentionally doesn't do housework because she knows it bothers you? If not then there has to be another reason. You can talk to her about it and try to understand or you can assume. I vote try to understand.


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Also, when you are the PRIMARY caretaker of young children, as your wife is, you are subject to many viruses and colds. It is part of the territory.

Not at all unusual for your W to almost "perpetually" have the sniffles or not feel well.

I don't know about anyone else on here, but I re-read this post from beginning to end, and I found myself getting ticked off.
It would be very educational if you were able to swap places with her...for at least a month.

After that month was up, I bet you would be singing another tune.

By the way rhindle, I am a neat freak...:) in a obsessive compulsive way LOL. Believe it or not, I have also the same attitude about cleanliness and order....I decided it was MY problem, a certain degree of cleanliness and whatall is important...but I don't expect my H to think and act like I do.

There are other much more important issues to deal with. I prioritized what was really important to me...and housework, and the sharing of such took a back seat.

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But show me the job that you can apply for that pays you $70,080 for house cleaning and baby sitting. I'm going to guess it doesn't exist. Do you know anyone that actually has this job and gets paid $70,080 a year to do it? I appreciate and understand the point you are trying to make (I've even sent my wife a 'check' for how much her worth would be in dollars before as a gesture of my appreciation of her hard work), but unless I'm mistaken that position doesn't exist in the real world that I know of. If it does then I respectfully retract this statement.




Well here is something I found that covers just the babysitting:

The following are some general weekly wage guidelines assuming a 45-50 hour work week and one or two children. All figures are in US dollars and representative of Year 2006 wages:

* 18 - 20 years old, or less than 2 years verifiable child care experience - $325-$450 live-in; $8-12 hour live-out.
* 21 years or older, 2 or more years verifiable child care experience, no prior nanny experience (note that college education puts you to the higher end of the salary range) - $450-$600 live-in; $10-15 hour live-out.
* Two or more years of nanny experience, and/or a college degree in a child related field - $450-800 live-in; $10-20 hour live-out, higher in major metro markets.

Here is what it says about more than 55 hours:

A full time nanny will typically average 45 hours per week. Longer scheduled days will require additional compensation. If the work week is expected to be greater than 55 hours per week, the family is advised to split the job between two employees.

Here is something else I found that covers the "extras"

Professional nannies with over five years of contiguous child care experience and at least a four-year degree that are providing full household management services beyond child care, shopping, cooking and light housework may find salaries extending well beyond US$400 per week.

So $800+400x52=$62400

This just covers a 9-5 job.

But the whole point about being a SAHP is that you DON'T get paid. That's why the only one that wants the job is the parent!
Trust me on this one, this issue will come up again. Not because you both won’t be able to iron it out but because you both are humans and sometimes we just need to have a pitty party for ourselves every once in a while.


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It would be very educational if you were able to swap places with her...for at least a month.

After that month was up, I bet you would be singing another tune.




I would have to respectfully disagree on this one. He would get some idea but unless you do it day in and day out for years with no end in sight you can't grasp the full picture.


W (me) 44
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