Hi I am new here. Hoping to get some advice from others who have been through the pain of infidelity. Here is my story: Married 9 years and two young children, 8 and 5. Husband left me in August for a girl he was having an affair with, she is 18 years old. I understand her infatuation with him was a major ego boost from the daily routine of life with a family. The months since he left has been terrible. He wants nothing to do with me or kids. He rewrote our marriage and told anyone who would listen lies to make me the bad guy. I was in total shock and disbelief. I did not see this coming. His girlfriend even harrassed me and he took up for her! For me and my kids it has been total abandonment. But it is a learned behavior for him, his mom left him and his brothers and sisters when he was young. In the beginning I thought his other family would support us, boy was I wrong. It turns out they have known this young girl for years and have always liked her and with his side of the story to them,they have given me no support. My question is this, does anyone think this relationship will last? They are living together now. She is so young but head over heels for him and believes everything he tells her. How can she or her family think he is such a great guy? He left his wife and kids and can't keep a job. Its like me and the kids meant nothing to him and he has forgotten about the last 9 years together. Her family is letting him live with them. I talked to her mother and she said it was to keep an eye on her daughter and since she is 18 she can't keep her from seeing him. Whatever. And her mother told me she knew my husband when he was younger and always liked him. On my husbands side, his family have also always known his teenage girlfriend and his stepmom told me she and his dad have always liked her. So they are not helping at all. But in 9 years of knowing his family I have never heard of this girl and I can't believe his parents aren't thinking of our children instead of him.

Hi shocked,

These are sad circumstances, but you are welcome here. I want to answer this question:


>>>>>>>>>NO<<<<<<<<<<this relationship is based on pure fantasy.

There is no chance at all that it will last....but it could take a while for things to wind down. Maybe as long as two years.

In the meantime....is he paying child support? How you handling things financially? Since August, how has contact been between the two of you? Have you read the information on this site? Have you read about Plan A and B?

Start filling in more details and keep posting and asking questions. Everytime you post, your thread will go to the top of the page....so just keep it alive until more folks drop in.

How old are you and your husband?

S & S

So sorry you are here but welcome to MB’s.

Please take some time to explore all the information on the site.
The articles will help you to gain a good basic knowledge of the priciples.
There is a ton of help here but it also helps all of us to know the basic principles.
There are a lot more experienced Vetrans here that may be able to help you more than I.
I just didn’t want you to drop off the top of the board with out a response..

As to whether your H’s A will last or not probably not. I do know it will last a while if left as is.

Have you taken any steps-Divorce-LSA- anything legal?

My question to you also is-Is he being financially responsible for the children at this time?
Is there anything legal child support?


By opening up the door here back and forth hopefully we can sort through all this and find you some help.

Rocky

Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

((((((( shocked )))))))

Just wanted to say hi and *welcome*. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you have found a great place for support and wise counsel. I don't have anything different to add from the above right now - but wanted to let you know you're not alone. Read all that you can here, there is a lot of really helpful information.

Hi shocked! I am so sorry you are going through this, but very glad you found this site! It will give you the best chance for recovery (if you still want it) from the affair and abandonment.

What a shame that his family is supporting them as well as hers. You may want to get an LSA for right now to be sure he does pay you child support while this is happening. He does not see the kids at all? Was he a good father before all this? The reason I am asking is because if they were close before he left, they should probably be in counselling to help them deal with the pain of all this. Very sad for you and the children! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Their relationship will not last, Star*fish is right! It is a fantasy!

What about your family? Have they been supportive of you?

(((((((S&S and kids)))))))))

It is my opinion that your husband is in full abuse of this girl...

there is a great unequal equasion in the power of a grown man and a eighteen year old girl...is a whole different ball of wax and denotes personality flaws that run deep...

as a grown women can you IMAGINE relating to an eighteen year old boy equally...
not so much

it is my opinion that havng an affair with an adult peer vs a person who is just barely deemed an adult based on age...

how old are your children?

I would suggest you seek legal counsel TODAY..
and hit him with serious consequences...

full custody
child support
and no over nights with him with the OP present..

you must protect your children....

ARK

Thank you all for replying. My husband is 27. I guess since we married young and had kids at a young age, he feels the need to be a teenager again. Not only is his girlfriend only 18, his new best friend is 18. I hear stories how he parties with teenagers. I am going through child support enforcement and only received a little bit of money in Oct and Nov nowhere near what he was required to pay. He has paid nothing since. CSE took him to court in Dec and he asked for a court appointed lawyer and postponed until Jan. Then in Jan his lawyer asked for a modification of child support and it was postponed until the end of Feb. I am worried it will be lowered because he is now underemployed and has quit 3 jobs since child support was ordered to get around from paying through income withholding. My family is helping me and the kids had a very rough time in the beginning and my daughter is seeing a counselor. It is very hard for her. She hears things at school from another little girl who's father is friends with my husband. We live in a small town and she has even seen her father out with this girl. My husband says he is living the life he has always wanted and I can have the kids and to leave him alone about the child support. My lawyer drew up a seperation agreement, and he said he would sign, he won't. We are going to court soon, probably after the child support issue finally gets settled. Her family is very much encouraging them to be together. The last I heard, the girl's father was helping them build a house on their land. I understand that her family do not have a lot of morals and have always given their daughter anything she wanted. It is so awful. He never contacts the kids, I think he has guilt and is ashamed to talk to them. There was a few times in November he tried to reach out to me but I was still so angry I said things and told him to stay away from me. But he is definetly living in a fantasy world. I really worry this relationship may last. Her family is encouraging it,and his family is enabling it (his family is very dysfunctional).

Hang in here with us, and start working on changing anything hubby complained about before he went loco.

Hopefully the court will order him to keep a job or go to jail.

The affair won't last and I'm sure he will be back.

You need to work on yourself and make a nice life for your family in the meantime.

There is almost zero chance that the A will last. The OW is practically a child, she has no clue what she wants. She'll discover that what she DOESN'T want is a man/child with kids and child support and an ex-wife. I'd wager a healthy sum that she'll realize this soon enough, and you H will find his [censored] on the street.

I wouldn't wait for that to happen as far as protecting your children's financial well-being to the best of your ability though. I think, in your case, you should proceed full force with the D. Perhaps there will be a chance to reconcile with your H later, but I would suggest you get a legal agreement about him financially supporting the children regardless. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

How was the M before the A started?

Sorry to hear of your situation. But I don't think there is any chance that your marriage will work unless you can get him to talk with you or counseling. But if he can't even hold a job why even bother. I would just go on with the kids and try to get help from your family. Then file for Child Support,in case he does get a job. If this girl is a lot younger than your husband then maybe she'll get tired of him and find someone her own age, but that's down the road. You need to be thinking of yourself and your kids future now. So get on with your life.

Hi Shockedandsad,

Sorry for your sitch but welcome to MB. Please take time to learn from this website to decide what you want. We'll all be here to support or assist you in whatever you choose. Your situation seems very dire and you should do what you can to protect your children as soon as possible.

Ace

I thought the marriage was fine before the affair started, maybe gotten a bit boring, kids took up alot of time, ballgames, and such. But I thought we were a close family, thats why I was so shocked he did this, and now he has rewritten our marital history to make himself feel less guilty and to look good. I do know this, the young girl is very (and I don't mean to say this because I am being mean) but she is very ugly. I don't think she has ever had a boyfriend before. Don't understand though how any parent would encourage and help their teenage daughter be with a married man with two kids.But her father is only 11 years older than my husband so maybe he is immature also and is "friends" with my husband. This situation is so embarrasing to me. I am ashamed sometimes knowing people in our town know. My husband and I lived a very respectable life and had good jobs. He was ashamed of his background and family and had little to do with them. Now he has completely embraced his dysfunctional family and he has abandoned us as he was abandoned by his mother when he was younger. Sometimes I feel his childhood traumas has a lot to do with this, but it doesn't lesson the pain he has put me and the kids through. Sometimes I want him out of my life completely and sometimes I think I should fight for my family.But it is hard to fight for him when this girls family is making it so easy for him to stay. They are helping him build a house! Its insane to me.

I'm sorry, but as a former non-custodial father (both of my children are adults now) that did without during much of the 80's so that I could faithfully and timely meet my CS obligations, I have no respect for a father who would ACTIVELY avoid paying CS. This single quoted sentence above speaks volumes about his character, or lack thereof.

Run, don't walk, directly to Plan D to seperate yourself from this low life. I rarely post to BW's, but your WH makes my blood boil. I endured the unwarranted, but popular "deadbeat Dad" stigma that was prevelant in the 80's & 90's, before the days of CSE, and will offer no quarter to a Dad who truly is a "Deadbeat".

He needs to face reality but the OP and her family are keeping him in this fantasy.

BULL ... he's the guy who quit 3 jobs to keep from having to honor his CS obligations. You're the one who needs to face reality and realize that this guy is a LOSER and completely unworthy of the anxiety you are wasting on him.

Your right. And I will take your advice.
I don't know this person at all, at first I wondered how someone could change so much, he wasn't like this years ago. Maybe I was so in love I was blind to who he was. But still, I really think he is so obsessed with this "new love" he has risked everything for her. I think he isn't paying child support because he is supporting her with his money. That is so low for him to put the OP before your young children.

S & S




I have never understood the abandonment of children physically, emotionally or financially through all this “adult stuff”. All I’ve ever heard is lame excuses.
I also have a low tolerance when it affects children.
Even as a BS/WW I paid support (2.5yrs total) without anything legal and kept to a visitation schedule.

At this point I would try to legally protect your children and yourself from this "so called man".

Do you have financial assets together?
He is not in the right frame of mind –an alien to you -and may come after them if you do.
Tie-up loose ends so at least H can’t take them.

You are still married-His liabiltities are yours to. I would at least file to protect what you do have.

If H’s out drinking and partying with the teens he may drag in a whole bunch of trouble
(legal/financial) that you may possibly have to pay for also.

Please do whatever you can to legally separate from him.

Is there any way to speed up the CSE?

Rocky

Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Thanks, I am following my lawyers advice for the safety of my children and my assets.
Quick question: Has anyone else every experienced your spouses family's acceptance of the OP?

S&S





Personally as a BS I have never experienced this.
By the way you described your situation there is a lot of dysfunction going on. Drugs and alcohol??

Please read as much as possible here. There are certain steps a person can take to help their own situation.

Keep asking questions and posting.

Sorry I'm not able to help more.

Rocky