Hello all

I am in great need of advice. This may turn out to be rather lengthy and for that I am sorry but it is hard to sum up and not leave out the important stuff...

I married H in May 2003. He, out of no where, asked for a divorce in end of August 2005. No kids, no assets - clean easy break...not emotionally though. I moved home, 10hrs from where we were living at the time of separation. He went back and forth for months with the idea of getting back together and it was during that time I became pregnant with our daughter. D was born Sept. 06. Cheating never occured during our marriage. H moved back to hometown and spent a lot of time together. Then - Feb 07 we remarried...thought all was worked out and it was going to be okay. H went on final trip for college degree. He was gone April and returned May 07. During his trip he had an affair.Trip lasted 6 weeks and they were intimate the last 2 but emotionally it started early in the trip - they didn't know each other prior to the trip, she was married too. Since then H has moved 2 hrs away and I maintain custody of our daughter. He is adimate about seeing her during his custody visits - things got bad and we both hired lawyers, etc. Now, 9 months from the time all this started - he wants to get back together. He seems to say all the right things which confuses me. Our divorce still isn't final. I have already married the guy twice and now what? Many think I am crazy for considering the idea. I have never been with anyone else, serious dating or otherwise. I believe people can change and it seems he truely wants to but my head tells me othewise. We rushed things last time and I can't do that again. He seems to understand that. He is telling me things he has never told me before - things that sound sincere but how can you tell when you have already lost trust for that person?

I shortened this down a lot - there are many more details but don't think they are necessary at this point.

Any advice?

Hi 3rd
No, you aren't crazy. Well maybe we are all crazy :-)

But you need to know a lot more before you decide to fight for your marriage. You need to know why he left and why he cheated. Knowing this will help you to know what you are dealing with.

Make him answer your questions. Don't believe anything he says. Listen carefully. Ask him the same questions over a period of days and see if the answers change. Use your intuition, if the answer does not make sense, he is probably writing a novel.

Zero in on the pattern as there really is one isn't there?

Ask him if there was an affair the first time too and start probing.

Read about the fog on this site. You don't even know if he is still seeing this woman do you?

Welcome to MB!

He moved out within 2 years of getting M'd? Most likely an A.

Marry him again? The story of the Scorpion and the Frog immediately comes to mind...

Really there is not hurry to do anything. You can even let the divorce go through and marry him a THIRD time.

Sorry, but words are cheap. This guy has wanted a divorce twice. I would wait for a few years and see if he keeps up any efforts.

Sounds like he is only committed for a few months at a time.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please consider that doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is just not rational.
Maybe you should seek counseling to find out why you continue to accept this type of behavior from a man.
Unfortunately, sometimes past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior...I would definitely proceed with caution. It's not that he can't change, but what is he willing to do besides talk his way back into your heart?

Thank you for all of your advice to answer a few things -

I have asked and asked if an affair occured before he asked for the first divorce. His story has always stayed the same...no. Every time he tells me that he did find himself attracted to someone and it freaked him out and thought that we needed to end things before something did happen with someone along the way...

The A with the girl. Has ended. He told me it ended for good in September but I am not trusting of that date for some reason but I keep asking and he says the same thing. She lives in another country and so the PA ended after only 2 weeks... the EA continued after.

Also, the 2nd time we married we rushed into things. He claims A was the result of our rushing and his questioning his motives for remarring. He says he felt pressured by me and family - depsite what was being said - that he needed to go through with it so he did. Once removed from everyone he started to doubt and be fearful and from what he said "handled it poorly and was wrong to have the affair, [he] should have talked about it" (which I agree with all that). No, he says that he has had time away from everyone and for things to settle and him to think without everyone else he does want to be married to me. That he was too immature before (we were 21 when we married and both had little to no experience with serious relationships or relationships period for that matter). Now that he has experienced all he has he is more convinced than ever that he wants to spend life with me. That knowing what he knows he doesn't want anyone else. He brought up counseling before I ever did - I did last time but never followed through. This time he has brought it up on his own, not just for us but him alone as well. To me these are all great signs but talk is cheap and how does some one prove to you that they are trustworthy? How do I know that will be enough? I like what was said about asking the same questions over time and see if the answers are consistant...that is a great idea. But what else? And am I just sick for considering the idea? I feel so confused by all of this. I do have an appointment to see someone but what until then?

The above quote is precisely the problem. If he was involved in an affair,(more than likely he was) it is doubtful that he would tell you the truth about it...and furthermore, he ends things with you just in case he is going to cheat??? Insead of behaving like a person in a committed relationship, he pushes you aside for what may seem like a better alternative.. That's a major red flag... Please don't make any decisions to get back involved with this man for a third time, before you actually get into some counseling to help you become healthier and make healthier choices. If he is serious this time, for the third time (and I have my doubts), the offer won't come off the table just because you take your time to make the decision that is in your best interest.

It sounds like he comes back to you whenever his affairs end..and don't trust his words, watch his actions. You are here questioning his motives because your instincts are probably telling you that something is wrong, yet again..listen and don't rush into another marriage with him.
It's your decison of course, however, this guy does not sound like he is ready for a committed relationship...despite the words he uses to get back in the door...his actions speak much louder than his words. You are worth more than being just a relationship of convenience for him. Marriage is not something you go in and out of like a revolving door.

Take care!