Hi,
I am new to this post. I was in an emotional abusive marriage. I was married for 2 1/2 years to someone I thought I would be married to forever. We dated for almost 6 years before we got married. Our marriage was under al ot of pressure from our families. Yet, we somehow found common ground at times and found love.
Initially I thought we could some how make it work, but soon realized I was the only one trying. He cheated on me by calling online chat companies and woman. He talked to girls on facebook and other messaging sites I caught these messages after I left him.
He constantly put me down infront of people, told me I was un attractive and that he was better than me. We hardly ever had sex because he thought I was to ugly to have sex with. (Not to toot my own horn, but i am a very pretty girl and i GET a lot of attention) I sometimes feel that there was something psychologically wrong with him. Maybe Bipolar. Anyways, I just need some support and advice how to move past the thoughts of revenge?? Also, how to better my life so I do'nt make the same mistakes again. I also want to know why is he putting so much stress in my life by asking for things he knows Im not wilin to give back. It's almost like he doesn't know me. I feel abandoned of one of my best friends...he was my best friend my first love. I feel lonely at times...any advice. I do NOT want to go back because he was a nightmare..but I miss him HELP ME!! tHANKX

Welcome. I need to take the girls to school, but will post later.

Welcome. Sorry to find you here under these circumstances.

I think after a relationship ends, it's always good to take a year off and really try to understand why you were attracted to the person and where you could have used better judgment.

In that year, figuring out what your boundaries are will also help you. Boundaries are limitations on what you'll put up with from a person and putting together a plan for what you'll do when those boundaries are crossed.

I also think there is a lot to be said for practicality when choosing a mate. We often want to follow our hormones and go with what looks good and feels good when there really isn't much in the way of respect, common interests, common dreams, religion, views on children, finances, etc. to sustain the marriage.

So, my advice is to take a year off to work on yourself - to honing yourself into the kind of person you would want to marry (and we can help you with that) and also to date for as long as it takes before all your questions have been honestly answered with regard to who this person really is inside.

For instance, did your husband give you no indication whatsoever that he might be the way he was after you were married?

Welcome. The most typical reason a person stays with a person like your ex is low self-esteem. Somewhere along the line, you were raised to believe that you were not as worthy as other people. We can explain that in more depth, if you like, but I'd like to suggest that you go over to the Emotional Needs section, and look up a thread by a person named 'youngandlearning.' She has been going through the exact same things, and we have (I think) helped her see that he was abusive and that she needed to care more about herself, and not about him. She deserves better, and so do you! Please go read that whole thread, and then come back here and let us know what you think.

I was raised to believe I wasn't as worthy as others. I stayed in an abusive marriage. I still can't seem to get divorced. I've analyzed why I continued dating him when some signs were there. I've tried to figure out why he kept dating me, because I'd put up with his garbage. And yes it's about rebuilding self esteem but it's hard to do. I've been losing some weight, working out, organizing my life and somehow I feel more control and I like myself better. I need to keep reading and studying the boundaries books because what's normal to some isn't to me...

The first year is the loniest, but you'll get through it.

Thank you all for your words of encourgment. I actually grew up in a very loving and healthy childhood and background. I guess I was treatd sooo good as a child and a young teenager....and even by my ex initally that when it became sore I didnt know how to let go. He was my life and truly I believed what he said went. He refused to have sex with me stating I was unattractive and needed to shed a weight. On top of all of that when i did loose the wight, he told me it ws not my body anymore it was my personality that would inhibit him from having sex with me. So, it was iether this or that..never stable with him.

Today was a good day. I went on my friend date, but It was kind of a double date....so took the pressure off of me a little. I went with Two good friends on a date with this new guy. We had such a great time...he was everything and more. he payed for my dinner, he made sure i got home safe, called me and truly didnt do anything dirty or excessive with me. We just chatted and had fun. I loved the feeling of being treated like a woman..something I never got frmo my ex. I am thankful that sometimes things do get better and wounds do heal...please keep he support coming.

Here's what I see, then. You married a verbally abusive man, someone who gets what he wants through manipulation, making you doubt yourself, finding the things about you that you are unsure of and then stabbing those parts of you with an ice pick, to keep you off balance. By continually using those doubts against you (your looks, your personality), you subconsciously are ready to believe him when he tells you you're no good, so you go along with what he says. He has gained control, because you secretly agree with him and therefore are unequipped to defend yourself against those allegations; you have no choice but to let him 'decide' when you're worthy enough for his love.

I had a fiance in high school who was abusive. I gave up all my friends, turned away from my family, and we did everything he wanted and nothing I wanted. I didn't know any better. After a couple years of dating, he told me he didn't think I was 'mature' enough (he was 3 years older than me, and in college); he was going to 'give me' 6 months to shape up and at that time he would decide if he would keep dating me. See what he did? He already knew I was afraid he wouldn't want to keep dating a high school kid when he was this worldly college student, so he used it against me to retain control. He thought I wasn't sexy enough, so I cut off my waist-length hair (this was in the 70s) into a pixie cut to please him, started wearing mini skirts and sexy shirts...all because I was all too ready to believe what he said about how deficient I am.

No matter how loving our family, every single person has self doubts. The abuser is very skilled at rooting those out, and then using them against you. In your case, it backfired, because you had a strong enough sense of self-worth that it eventually won out over his tricks, and you left.

Does that make more sense?