Hello everyone,

Longtime lurker.. The stories on here have really helped me and gave me hope. Thought I would post my story and get peoples input and advice as I try to get through this.

My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have three great kids... 2 girls (13-15) and a boy (6)... It's been no secret that my wife and I have been struggling for awhile. While we haven't had a lot of big blow up fights, the passion has long since been gone and we've had no luck bringing it back. I've been lurking on this site for quite awhile, trying to get her to buy into the MB system, which makes perfect sense to me but never has to her.

Anyway.. I had suspected for awhile my wife had been having an affair with a younger man who lives down the road from us. December 21, 2007 I discovered the truth that she had indeed been seeing him for the past 5 months.

After talking to her, it became clear that she was head over heels for this guy and nothing I said or did was going to change her mind. I exposed the affair to anyone and everyone in an attempt to shame her into dropping it, but to no avail. The day after Christmas, after promising my daughter (15) and I that she would break it off with him for 30 days while we sorted this out, my wife had a sexual encounter with him and upon arriving home informed us what she had done.

She knew what would happen next.. I told her I thought it was best if she left since she had already made her choice. Without offering any resistance, she packed her bags and moved in with him that day. Within the next few weeks I went and hired and lawyer and filed the divorce papers. She agreed to everything I asked for.. custody.. child support.. all she wanted was to be able to visit the kids when she wanted to. Nothing more.. I also cut her off completely financially.. she's on her own.

I've been saying she's in full blown "stupid mode".. I see it's called being "in the fog" on here.. either way, I have no idea who she is right now. One day she says one thing, the next day something totally different.

Over the last two weeks I've received several calls from her.. Pretty much everything I told her would happen is happening (No, I'm not physic.. I read MB's!!).. This guy she's with (10 years younger than her.. her and I are both 34) is extremely jealous and could almost be labeled a controlling abuser.. He doesn't hit her, but he threatens her constantly and tries to control everything she does. He's just an insecure kid..

Last week when she called she cried and said she thought she had made a huge mistake.. the next day she sent me a text saying we needed to only talk about the kids or business matters and not to bother her..

Yesterday she sent me a text saying she missed me and ended the text with 'don't you wish we could just turn back time'. I'm sure I'll get something totally opposite today.

Talking to her the past couple of weeks (always behind his back.. he throws a fit if he gets wind we've even said 'hello' to each other), I get the feeling that she's at a point where she realizes she's made a huge mistake.. but she doesn't feel she deserves forgiveness.. does that makes sense? She's stuck in a pattern of making bad choices so she just doesn't do anything for fear of screwing up again. I feel for her, I'm disgusted by what she's done and I've let her know that.. but this is a woman I've lived with with for over 16 years.. hard for me to just stop wanting to help her or hurting when she hurts..

What I'm doing right now is simply trying to encourage her whenever possible to make the right choices.. I'm not helping her in anyway.. I'm talking to her a little as possible.. I'm not allowing myself to be her doormat(I'm moving on with my life.. the kids and I are doing all kinds of stuff.. remodeling the house, going to the circus, etc..).. I'm not going to allow her to use me and I'm certainly not taking what she tells me right now at face value.

However, in my heart of hearts I do very much want to find a way to reconcile with her at some point. That's my goal. I'm trying to determine the best course of action to achieve that goal and that's why I'm here..

I hope I've explained the situation in enough detail. Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions are appreciated.

Thank You!

Sounds to me like plan b is in order. A plan B letter might be appropriate and there are several drafts here you can find.

A lot of your work appears to be done. You write the plan B letter, outlining the conditions for her to return home, and then go dark.

Your kids are old enough to maintain contact with their mom without you doing the work for them.

I feel bad for your kids. How are they handling things? Is your divorce final?

Although I tend to agree with pom, I strongly urge you to contact Steve Harley.

Can you send what you wrote in an email to their radio show? (free) Or give him a call if you can afford it?

The divorce is 41 days from being final..

The kids.. they have good days and bad days. Their mother hasn't made much of an effort to stay in contact with them. She'll get the younger kids for a night, then won't talk to them for 3 or 4 days..

My son is 6 and there are times when he's just sad because he misses his mom. We'll try to call her and she won't answer. But it's my oldest that's had the hardest time with this. She refuses to go see her mom because she doesn't agree with what she's doing and she's standing her ground (we did something right raising that kid). She went two weeks without speaking a word to her and even now just talks to her via text messages. The middle one.. well, nothing much bothers her. I try to talk to her and she just says "I'm ok dad.. no worries". I guess she'll talk to me when she's ready..

Yes, I agree.. I need to go to "plan b" and cut off any/all contact with her.. I've been allowing her to call me and vent and complain about her new BF and I need to stop that.. There are still business/financial decisions we need to make.. but she's really not helping make those anyway...

Yes. You are still filling some of her needs. Let the OM try to meet all of her needs now, and the affair will crumble that much more quickly.

With you out of the picture the OM is also more likely to swing into fulfledged control mode. He is probably holding back a little bit now because he knows you WW is telling you things about him. Take that away and his truest colors will come flying out.

I agree 100% Josie.. and I have thought that for a couple of weeks.. just needed someone else to reaffirm it I guess.. I hate not being able to talk to her, but I know I must completely cut off contact with her..

K
the short answer is that you should really contact the hartleys and get some good professional advice. It seems as if you have a good chance at reconciliation, and the professionals will acurately assess this for you. Your WW seems in the fog.. how is her health? she seems depressed or Bi polar..Has she told you "WHY" she chose to have the affair???..
best of luck
jerseyboy

I would continue with the divorce...but I would also provide your wife with an out. She is in an abusive situation...by her choosing...and might need your help getting out.

Give her ONE chance. Next time you see her face to face let her know that she CAN come home if she stops seeing him and that you will make sure he doesn't hurt her. If she makes that decision, I suggest tow things...get an immediate restraining order against him and put your house up for sale. One chance. Then DARK if she doesn't accept it.

Also, PLEASE make sure your kids are NEVER around this abuser. He could very easily turn his wrath on them.

I think she's slipping into a depression. She says she cries daily and she looks terrible.. Although we're the same age, she's aways looked younger than me. right now though.. that's not the case.. She has big black bags under her eyes.. she's gained over 10 lbs in just over a month... it pains me to see her..

Why she chose to have the affair.. boy, that's a good one.. she literally believed, at one point, that this was 'true love' and she had no choice but to follow her heart.. I think she's seeing how silly that is now.. well, one day she acts like she gets that.. the next she's talking about how strong her feelings are for this guy.. So, I'm not 100% sure why she chose to have the affair.. not sure she is right now. it just felt good to her..

I agree with everything MEDC just suggested. Give her one last chance and then pull the plug and go dark for the next 41 days.

You've done a lot of things perfectly ... you've preserved your self-respect by making her leave the marital home when she refused to quit seeing OM ... you've emotionally detached yourself to where you are comfortable with your decision to D if she doesn't return to the M ... you are NOT allowing yourself to be her doormat.

Now, do as MEDC suggests and things should work out for you ... either you'll jolt her into reality and you can start working on the M ... or you will know that she's beyond help and can walk away with your dignity and children towards a brighter future.

I agree with the advice you're getting KSCD. It sounds like you've done alot of things right. It also sounds like your WW is looking for a way out of the mess she's created. You commiserating with her and talking with her about her OM needs to stop. That is doormat bahavior and enables her A.

I think you should do as MEDC suggested, give her an opportunity to get out of her mess, and if she doesn't take it, go completely dark and allow the A to crumble, as it almost inevitably will.

Given what she is offering now in the D, you should proceed with that. If she's bound and set on destroying her life, you can't stop her and you should do whatever you can to protect your family through it.

I think it sounds possible that Plan B might work in your favor very quickly though, perhaps even before the D is final. It sounds like your best shot imo. It would be good for you to contact the Harleys now though. What you do and don't do in these next several weeks could have a big impact and it would be well worth it to get good advice from an expert.

I just got back from meeting with my lawyer. We have the final divorce decree typed up and ready for her signature. After that, it's silence for the next 41 days until the divorce is final. I'm moving forward regardless of what she does. I know I did everything in my power to save the marriage.

She text me regarding our son earlier today. After settling that I told her that she could make things right if she chose to, but that since she chose not to I was cutting off all contact with her for my own good. I wished her well and told her to relay any messages through a relative of mine. She replied back that she wished me the best.

So.. that's that.. Now I just have to be strong enough to keep from talking to her in the next 41 days... I can do this.. all she does is bring me down and confuse me anyway..

Thanks for all of your help and advice. I will attempt to setup some counseling with the Harley's tomorrow to make sure I'm doing the right things.. and checking in on here for moral support..

This has been a wild and crazy ride. Wish I would have signed on here when I first found out about the affair..

When she contacts you, and she will, make sure you come here.

Make sure as well that your relative knows you want info only on the kids, that you do not want her chaos, problems, etc. You are going to be in withdrawl of your own at first . (unless it is an emergency)

Plan B is hard at first, very hard, so post when you need to.

No Plan B letter?

She knows the basic facts... IMO, sending a letter would be pointless.. I don't need it.. she knows why I'm cutting off contact and that she could make this right if she wanted to..

Maybe I'm wrong.. but I don't see the point in it..

What I like about the Plan B letter is that it lists your requirements for considering reconciliation.

A wayward sometimes feels there is no way the BS would take them back, but if they have a Plan B letter it is like a map. It lists your requirements.

You said you hoped to reconcile someday, don't you have a list of what she would need to do in order for you to consider it?

Around here they say if there is no Plan B letter, it is not Plan B.

Oh.. She knows that I would be willing to reconcile.. I've made that very clear.. but that she would have to take the first step and leave him before we even discussed it further.

my requirements.. she'd have to leave him and agree to no contact.. quit her job and be willing to move to another town if need be (we don't need her income and that's were she met him and carried on most of her contact with him). agree to marriage counseling and working the MB system..

Simple enough.. LOL.. I'm not counting on her ever coming back or reconciling.. Id like for her to. I know it's best for all of us if she did.. but I'm moving on as if she's not ever coming back.. I'm just trying to avoid doing anything to push her further for me and trying to do things that give reconciliation at some point the best chance..

The more I seem to go on with my life.. the more she tries to contact me.. I really think within a couple of weeks, she'll be knocking on the door asking what she needs to do.. ok, maybe after the child support kicks in..

I'm going to try to schedule a session with the Harleys to get their advice.. in the meantime, I'll draft a plan B letter..

Thank you!!!

I think you've been moving way too fast. I agree with Josie that you should give her a plan b letter. I am glad you are going to have a session with the Harley's. (I didn't agree with much of MEDC's advice regarding moving fast to DV)

You might want to read 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr. Willard Harley and 'Love Must Be Tough', by Dr. James Dobson. In Love Must Be Tough Dr. Dobson has a love letter he wrote tohis wife.

I think that a good plan b letter is like a love letter with the last paragraph laying out what she needs to do to recover the marriage. Something in the letter saying how communicating with her while she is with the OM is painful for you and that it is hurting the love you have for her...in order to preserve that love so that there will be a possibility for reconciliation and for your own peace of mind.....etc. And that if she ends contact with OM and comes back to the marriage that you hope to have a better marriage than you had before any of this happened. That it will take work on both your parts but you believe it can happen that you can both be happy together.

It is great that you got her to agree to your getting custody and all the rest but in the long run ending affairs and recovering the marriage sometimes takes a bit longer than just a few months. Many affairs run their courses in two years.

If you can keep doing what you are doing and delay the final decree I'd say it would be better for the prospect of recovering your marriage...if that is what you'd truly want. Doing less is not doing all you could to save your marriage.

Are you that anxious to move on with your life? That's what it sounds like.

This is all a huge shock to the system (yours and the kids) and moving so fast won't really help you in the long run. I know of a situation that moved too fast with tragic consequences.

Yes, I am that anxious to get on with my life.. with or without her.. For three + years I've put everything I could muster into saving our marriage.. To the point where I felt I just couldn't give anymore.. Then, I discovered the affair.. which I had suspected for some time and had already prepared myself for.. matter of fact, I've been preparing myself for this day for the past year probably.. I knew it was coming.. she wouldn't lift a finger to work on our marriage, yet freely admitted she was not happy.. it was just a matter of time..

So, yes.. I am very anxious to move on with my life.. Would I like to see us reconcile? Absolutely.. and I'm trying to avoid doing anything else to push her farther away from me. But, God knows I've given this thing my all.. He knows my heart and I sleep at night knowing I've exhausted all of my time and energy into trying to restore it the past three years. I'm certainly not sitting here for another two years waiting on her to come back while she lives out this fantasy with him..

I think she knows she's going to (try to) come back at some point, just going on little things she's said to me and my oldest daughter.. she has reminded me on more than one occasion that we don't know what's going to happen.. she's testing me.. seeing if I'm serious about moving forward or if I'm going to wait for her.. I really think as she sees more and more evidence that I'm moving forward.. she'll start trying to work her way back at a rapid pace.. I'm already seeing evidence of that.. she knows there's no future with this guy.. no stability.. not financial security.. she can't have his children.. she's 10 years older than him.. she knows it's just a temporary fling..

I don't know.. maybe I'm wrong.. but I can't sit here and let her continue to drag me down and wallow in my self pity while she's off doing her own thing.. I have three kids looking to me for stability.. for support.. for guidance.. they know what she's doing is wrong.. they know I love her and would love to have her come back home..

Your stated requirements may be setting you up for a false recovery one day soon enough because they "require" all promises and little measurable actions from a known liar and flip-flopping daily cake eater.

Perhaps you should put a "For Sale" sign in the yard immediately so your "requirements" don't include a "willingness" to move. It would then be understood that you and the kids ARE moving...she'd have to tag along if she wants to reconcile.

I also think she should dump OM and move somewhere else to demonstrate to you and the kids that she's really done with OM. You don't need or want her coming home for a false recovery. All that hope and elation followed by a crushing departure AGAIN. Don't put yourself or your kids through that. She dumps OM and goes through withdrawal somewhere else.

WHILE somewhere else she can begin taking the actions in furtherance of your other "requirements". She can begin counseling with Steve Harley. Reading and implementing MB materials and principals, heck...maybe even posting here as we can definitely smell crap when we see it.

I presume she'll have to provide notice at work before quitting. She needs to be done with that job completely BEFORE walking in your door with suitcases in hand.

Attempting reconciliation is not a negotiation. There is too much at stake and after the ordeal you've been through these last couple years I doubt you have more than one "attempt" in you; thus, use it wisely. Prepare a Plan B letter (with Steve's advice) with a solid demonstratable list of requirements that she can follow. You both need trust...she needs to trust that she'll get a chance IF she follows it to the letter and you need trust that she is serious and clearheaded enough to follow a list of requirements and not just giving lip service to a list of requirements to be met...someday, when she feels like, after withdrawal, after she runs back to him 3 or 4 times because she misses him, etc.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Plan B is most effective when you go completely dark. WS's are crafty at getting their fix of their BS so be wary of sideway attempts at contact and updates on you.