I'm not sure what my future holds. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia a few years ago. It all started when I got a c-section in 2001.

People have asked me to explain the fatigue. It's like this. When you are at work and get tired, you have a cup of coffee or a soda to find your second wind, right? I don't have a second wind. When my energy is gone, it's gone. I must nap or at least rest.

Fibromyalgia is inexplicable pain that can be in any part of the body (or throughout) for no reason at all. Some days I have no pain at all; other days, I can be bedridden. It makes no sense.

I have a good doctor. I'm on good medication. My husband has decent health insurance.

I had my baby in April 2001. Christmas 2001, my domestic partner (ex-fiance) asked us to move out. Of course, with my health problems and babe in arms, I could not. But we did discuss what the future would hold. I wanted the first five years to raise our child. I felt a mother should have the first five years. (I feel lucky because I got six!)

We finally were able to move out in 2004. I had my son for both preschool and kindergarten but knew my ex-fiance was itching for custody because a) I got the first six years of primary custody and b) he wanted his son to go to the same school he went to very badly.

So 2007 rolls around. I fall in love and get married. My new husband struggles with my primary custody. He finally gets the courage to discuss it with me -- and I felt terrible, because I knew all along that it was nearing the time when my ex-fiance wanted custody. (My mother advised that I not tell my new husband because he might think I was a bad mother.)

So I told him about him about what my ex-fiance and I had discussed (my health was also an issue; I do not have enough energy to take my son to afterschool events on a regular basis, and my social circle is very small vs. his biofather's.) The three of us agreed to a change in custody, and it went smoothly.

Yes, there are days when I feel selfish and want to say, to heck with both of you, I want my son. But I remind myself of the advantages my son has a) better school, b) better medical coverage, c) better social circle (that includes my relatives -- I moved to a town far away to be with my new husband), d) parent with very good energy and physical health.

Neither parent smokes, drinks, does drugs (tho I have legal prescriptions.) My son never suffers abuse. He is transitioning well, loves his new school, etc.

But now I wonder, what should I do about next year? When should I ask to get my son back? Should I?

My health improves -- a little -- each year, but the fall/winter (school year) is my most pain-ridden time. I am planning to start working part- or full-time, so between that, the house and my husband, I fear I won't have enough energy for my child. What can I give up? What should I give up?

Is my son fine where he is? Am I a bad mom if I leave him with his dad for a few years? My husband said he is okay with my son coming back if that is what my son needs.

As you can see, I am very confused and don't know which way to go. I only promised my ex one school year, one summer, then we will revisit visitation. (Child support is a non-issue; he'd give it to me, but it's not part of our decision-making process.)

Should I give him more to be fair? Or will my son suffer? Will it be worse to bring him back when he is twelve or thirteen? Has anyone here gone through this?

Get oxygen therapy.
Work with a naturopathic doctor.
Do your research.

I was waiting to see what other people say, but I'll go ahead. My first thought is I can't imagine my child living somewhere else, so it might color my opinion; just fair to tell you that. But given your situation, I'm just not sure.

I guess I'd first try to see how he could stay with me, by investigating every possible way to build up my energy and overcome the CFS enough to be able to care for him - meditation, eastern medicine, acupuncture...whatever else I could try.

If that doesn't work, and I would do him more damage than good, I would have to fight for some arrangement where I could be in his life as much as possible. If it required moving, I would do it. I'm sorry, that probably doesn't help you, but that's just me. Granted I'm not happy with my marriage, but no marriage is more important to me than doing everything in my power to do for my child.

That said, I'm not you. I know if your exH is a good person, your son is likely to be ok with him, if that's what has to happen. But if you go that route, I'd still have to make it clear to my new H that I will be spending a LOT of my spare time being with my son.

I get the sense that if your son were to live with you, it would create tension in your marriage, intentional or not. It's just a lot for your H to handle - your illness, someone else's son, him not getting the M he thought he was getting. So only you know if it would withstand the strain.

Sorry if that wasn't much help.

I was thankful to be semi-prepared by our conversations (screaming fights rather) when my son was small. Ex made it clear he wanted primary custody; his mom helped convince him that children need the first five years with their mother. EVEN SO, he filed kidnapping charges and filed for full custody when I moved out. The kidnapping charges were a joke to the police because he filed 1.5 months after we moved out. I had enough financial support (well-off father) and familial support in hometown to get primary custody.

But the ex made it H-E double toothpicks on me, which ravaged my health. That is why I saw a counselor, to get through the stress. She had Fibromyalgia. She heard my symptoms, saw my swollen fingers, and said, "Girl, you have Fibromyalgia." From that point forward, I saw doctor after doctor until I did get the diagnosis of CFS/FM.

Doctors want to pin it on depression, but my therapist was clear -- as was I -- that I was not depressed. I so wanted a healthy, successful life. I so wanted to be out and about. My lack of energy and pain prevented it. In a truly depressed person, they lose the desire to do anything. I never lost it, not for a flat second.


I've tried many methods since it began in 2001. What works best naturally speaking is organic diet, pilates/yoga, and natural supplements. The diet and supplements are SO expensive that, no, I haven't been doing them the way I should. Pilates/yoga? I did them in the spring/summer when the weather was warm, but we keep the house at 60-65 in the winter. I am so cold and my muscles so tense that even the thought of dressing in Pilates workout clothes is stressful.

However, I do believe that if I did it once a day, DH would be supportive in me turning up the heat to 70 for an hour. He has also asked me to by organic foods for myself -- even though I have felt to guilty to spend his grocery budget this way. I must lose the guilt and get back on course.

The natural supplements must come out of my mad money. Taking so many medical pills this winter (which really do control pain and help with energy -- but never enough,) I get nauseious at the thought of swallowing one more pill or vitamin. But I MUST get back on track.

(Yes, the natural route is actually more expensive than my office co-pays and prescription co-pays, so I am taking the easy way out.)


I do get to have him two weeks at a time in the summer. I will be getting his spring break in March. The sad thing is, about two days in, he is already getting bored, and it takes all my energy just to keep him in three squares meals a day. Add in bath time and "Mommy, watch me play video games," time, I am wiped out.

Very sad, isn't it? I miss my old energy. I was never super-energetic, but I had enough to do what I wanted -- and more when something came up. I never, ever imagined that doing one load of laundry might wipe me out enough to need a nap. But that is how it is. That is my life now. I do feel sorry for my son. He does worry about me.

My husband asked me not to cry in front him once. I told him, my son has seen me rolling around in so much pain that I could not stop crying. A few tears will be a piece of cake for this boy.

I would judge and think that woman was pathetic -- if it wasn't me. But this all happened because of the illness. Stress makes the illness worse, so worrying about what a bad mom I am actually adds to the problem. Just one more reason I find life so ironic.



Sometimes I feel like the old man in the Simpson's cartoons, he stands up and says, "I'm going to fight (this)! I'm going to fight (that)!" with pointed finger ... then he topples over. That's me. I have a fierce heart and think exactly as you do in many ways ... but when it comes time to implement the plan, I topple over. My health just gives out.

I'm a little morose because it is winter. It does get better in the spring and summer. One reason I was okay with ex having this school year is because school years are so hard on me. Just getting him ready, getting him home, fixing dinner, bath and homework are the maximum I can handle.

His father is not only going to college at night after work, he is also planning to put our son in soccor and t-ball and eventually scouts. It makes me so happy for my son. His father is planning to pay for all his college expenses. He doesn't want child support from me (at least, not while I work from home.) He just wants primary custody.

It is strange for a father to be this way, but he is from a big Italian family where boys are golden. That big Italian family is a huge social circle for my son. They are constantly visiting cousins and participating in holidays. My son wouldn't get that here.

My son is actually living near his only two cousins on my side of the family. He lives near my mom, and my mom loves to sit for him. So that to helped me give him up this year.

It's odd that this was on my mind, and my DH, who usually holds the opinion that we made a mistake, we should get him back -- said the flat-out truth. My ex will not give him up now unless it was better for the well-being of our son. He would fight us in court ($4K minimum lawyers fees.)

So my husband pointed out DSS is not coming back full-time until if and when ex decides it will be so. Or we fight. I don't have much of a leg to stand on right now, other than no drugs, no drinking, etc. My health is in the crapper, and I gave up custody willingly this year. I certainly didn't about the long-term consequences enough. But I had been prepared for it for the last few years, and I thought I was being fair to my ex by sharing.

At least my son starts counseling this week. That will help me get a finger on the pulse of what is to happen.

Thanks again, catperson. I now have a goal of re-instating my organic diet, excercise and natural supplements to see where I can get from here. These are such difficult decisions to make. Even my ex, who is an excellent father by my mother's account (she helps monitor him from their area,) is running into sexism at my son's school. The teachers assume he'd be better off with me, don't even give his father a chance. Something for all of us to consider. How are we treating those single dads out there? If they are trying the best and doing their best, who am I to judge him? I fell into that category before all this came about -- how could a dad equal a mom? But in my son's eyes, we are equal. We both love him to pieces.



It's been so much help.

My son's relationship with DH is hot/cold. I think some of the problem falls on me. My DH wants our boy (I decided on "our boy" instead of "my son" when it comes to DSS because "my son" was leaving DH out and "our son" was going overboard) to have three squares a day. Sometimes I feed him late and let one meal be a snack. My plan to fix this LB of DH's is to write down a menu, prep meals in advance and stick to a time schedule.

DH cannot handle our boy eating anything at all away from the table, even candy or snacks. So I must police this better. Yes, little boys do spread crumbs everywhere.

But I must speak to DH about some of the phrases/language he uses in front of our boy. And -- he is too repetitive with jokes, to the point of being derogatory. (Our boy is very smart; sees right through him, knows he is being mean.) And the tone of his voice. DH is hard of hearing, so he is always loud. Always. So he already sounds mean.

Our boy has reached the point where he understands why DSF's voice is so loud. That doesn't upset him anymore. But when DSF gets a little angry, his voice gets really loud. I see our boy withdraw. This will be a delicate situation with DH for a while -- as he wants our boy to be tough.

On the other hand, when they are getting along, you can see the real potential for a great father/son style friendship. They hug and laugh and hang out together. Our boy is used to a little toughness being from an Italian family. What makes me cringe just rolls off his back most of the time. He'll even laugh at times when DSF gets loud.

I can see they are forging their own friendship, and sometimes that makes me feel a little left out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. DH has teased me about this. The logical side of me is very happy about it, though. When they are in this state, I just smile and keep to myself.

I see hope in our future. No matter how confusing this is, I have to admit, despite whatever mistakes we have made, this is a happy, well-adjusted little boy with a brilliant mind and with an even more brilliant smile.

I don't really understand why you only get him 2 weeks in the summer? If your health is much better then, why don't you have him for the whole summer?

I also don't understand why you keep the heat so low in the winter if it makes your illness worse? There's heating assistance if you call your power/gas company. They also can make it so your bill is the same throughout the year so you can better budget for it. Also, perhaps you could heat one room with a room heater so you can do your yoga?

Why do feel bad because you mess up your husband's budget by buying organic foods? If thats what it takes for you to feel better, I would think he would be grateful.

That's two weeks with me, two with his dad, two weeks back with me etc... So I get half the summer.


Oddly enough, 65 during the day is what I'm used to and it's comfortable for me. When I turn the heat up to 68, sometimes I start sweating. When it's snowing, I hurt. When it's blowing a cold wind, I hurt. (Yes, I may have to move south in my golden years, but for now, I have too much family in this state to leave.)

Sixty is our nighttime temperature. We dress warm, use a down blanket plus comforter, and snuggle.

The real culprit is the outdoor temperature. Like an old person who's arthritis tells them when it's going to rain, my body tells me when the temperature is below freezing outside. When it is below freezing, my pain gets it's highest, regardless of the indoor temperature.

However, for pilates, I dress in lightweight workout clothes, so I feel the indoor temperature more. I did talk to hubby about turning up the heat for an hour to do pilates, and he is fine with that. Good idea about the room heater.

We don't qualify for heating assistance. But if we did, I think DH and I would jump on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. As it is, I could not believe my husband never filed for a home heating credit on his taxes -- ever! This year he will be.


He does encourage me to shop that way. But he doesn't like organic, whole grain foods, so we end up needing double of everything -- 2 dozen eggs instead of one, 2 loaves of bread instead of one, 2 types of cheese instead of one. You get the picture. It's a problem for me because with just one person eating each type of food, a lot of food goes bad and goes to waste.

I've tried to get him to eat my food -- his diet is horrible, and he'll will pay for it later -- but he won't, so I feel guilty and won't double buy everything. I can see now that I need to start reading up on how to freeze foods so that I can make my organics last longer. That would be a help.

Thank you for pointing these things out. I hadn't thought of a room heater. I think we even have one, that's how absent-minded I can be. And now I know that I must brainstorm on the organics too. I seriously do have less pain and less fatigue when I avoid Standard American Diet foods and stick with organics. There are many people have told me there is no difference. To that I say, try it for a week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Thank you for the ideas.