I have done a few posts in the Recovery section but apparently I need to be in Plan A. I'll explain my situation below. It seems I need to try to have him cut all contact with the OW but he is someone that really sticks his ground based on principles and does not budge - he can make great points as to why (he should have been a lawyer). I'm not sure how to proceed or if it is even possible in my situation.

My H had a short A with a mutual friend (the OW is married as well) last year. He has never wavered on being committed to our marriage, there was never a flicker of wanting to leave me and his love for me has not changed either. I was doing 5 years of hard core LB (much due to postpartum depression) and not meeting any of his EN and there certainly wasn't much recreational companionship. The OW has the same problem with her husband so when she made my H an offer, he was ripe to take it. He was fast to tell me about it and was very honest with all the details - he was a model for how to tell your spouse. The months after that were quite ugly - I made the mistake of letting my emotions show. We negotiated that he could continue contact with her but not see her and he has given me much proof that he has stuck to his word.

He limits his contact with her to email/phone - which are kept private and no I do not have access to his email or phone accounts. If I ask, he tells me that she initiates the contact about every 2 weeks and he occasionally replies. That is all I am told.

This site has been very, very helpful for me to understand exactly what needs of his I was not meeting and I have since made every effort to meet those needs and stop my LB. It seems to be working like a dream, he is having an ideal marriage. The hard part is that I also understand now that there are two main needs of mine that he is no longer willing to meet and they are ironically the very ones that will keep me from ever having recovery. I'm in the situation where I need communication needs met but have been cut off from any discussions that involve feelings.

The two needs I now find myself trying to not expect from my H are:
"openness/honesty" - I have asked twice that he be open and share his contact with her and he has refused so I go on day-by-day knowing there is continual contact in secret.

"emotional intimacy" - I used to be able to tell him anything I was feeling, about any topic and we would discuss it, but I think since I showed my pain after he told me about the A, I have since been cut off. Any show of a negative feeling/emotion sends him running for the other room and never mentions it or asks more about it.

I'm finding that I can put all sorts of effort into meeting his needs and creating a nice environment for our family but just under my skin I have unmet needs and have a constant sense of being off balance. There are days I can't keep that up and cracks show. I know cutting all contact with her won't solve the problem of my needs not being met but that is a step in the right direction because there will be no more reason not to totally honest/open. He is that with every single thing in his life - except her.

So good progress has been made, the A has been revealed, details discussed, total forgiveness on my part for the actions/events, the physically A is over, I understand the sources of the A, both of us putting effort to meet EN and stop LB (even though he doesn't know he is doing this - I'm leading by example) but I'm still feeling a constant sense of betrayal and trying to figure out how to last long-term comfortably in my situation.

Is it possible to negotiate totally cutting her off when faced with a rock the size of a house? Rocks don't move and they don't talk.