I'm new here, but I've read over a lot of posts that has brought some type of perspective to things. Here's my story...My H and I were on the phone discussing the cable bill and why it was so expensive when I went online to look at it. I looked through the call details and found a couple numbers that were called several times a day. The phone calls were unusually long and one of the numbers was a long distance number. I, at first, thought it was some mistake. My H agreed. I then called the local number that was on the bill and some woman answered the phone, but wouldn't say anything after "hello". I thought I recognized the voice as one of his co-workers, but wasn't sure. Luckily, we work for the same company and I have access to information. I looked up the number and found it belonged to a female co-worker. I asked him who the number belonged to, but he claimed he didn't know. When I got home, I called the long distance number and found out it was a chat line. He was on this chat line only when I was at work and for hours every day (when he wasn't talking to that other chick). He denied and blamed and lied.But, finally told me the local number was just a friend that he talked about work with. Well, how come you never talk when I'm home? That's when he comes up with "Well, we've had problems for about 3 months". WOW! That was news to me! Then we argued for hours about the chat line, it was our son, it was my father. Then, he admitted it was him. But, he was just doing it to have other guys to talk to. I left him that night, but came back. I love him beyond belief and want this to work. This isn't the first incident of lies or mistrust. Last year when I was working tons of OT, he made profiles on dating websites. When he was caught, he was just doing it because he wanted to feel wanted. Then, a couple days ago, I found a new account on our pc. It only had porn sites on it. Of course it wasn't his either (until he couldn't deny it anymore). Porn really doesn't bother me that much, but we've talked about how good our sex life is, we don't need it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've already put everything I have into making him happy and it's just not working. He hasn't held a steady job in the 3 years we've been together. He has ambitions to go back to school (in March) and really won't do anything else but that. I've been supportive the entire time. I'm lost and confused. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Only 3 years together?

Any kids or community property involved?

We don't have any children together.....I have 1 and he has 3 from previous relationships. We've been together for 3 years, but only got married in July. He started the chat lines and talking to the OW in October. When I look at it in perspective, I don't know whether I should keep trying. Oh.......we don't have any community property.

firts, put a filter on your computer. Also install a "key logger" read spying 101 on here.
second, install a tape recorder on your phone line, or, in his car or in the house. The people at radio shack are very helful with tech stuff, I was given some excellent advice and direction on how to install a listening device on the phone, and in his vehicle.

You can also get a very cheap pre-paid phone that will track his movements. I bought one that I put in MY WH's trunck, it tracked where he went, and I was able to view on-line his travels. Again, the radio shack people are very knowledgeable.

That said, he sounds like he has depression. I had my WH also tell me he did this and that because we "weren't getting along" ....news to me...

Now about your situation...this site gives you the tools to deal with this.

And we are here for you to vent to. This sucks. I have had cancer twice, lost many people I love, all kinds of other probs, but infidelity was the absolute worse thimg I have had to go throug to date.

I said a prayer for you.

My advice would be to walk away from this (i.e. annulment). With him being up to that nonsense within only a few months of getting M'd to you, if you stick with him, he's going to make your life a nightmare IMO. He's definitely not ready for M, perhaps not even M material.

Thanks, that's what I've been thinking. I guess I just wanted to have an outsider's opionion. I know I'm not perfect and have made mistakes, but I've always done what I thought was best for us.

Thanks sled......good luck with your endeavors. I've just returned the favor via prayer!

What do you mean by you have made mistakes?
You said you married in July and this started in October, I think you just caught him in October. 3 months married and already infidelity, no kids or joint property? I am very much pro-marriage but it seems from his actions it is marriage on paper only.

Sassue - I've been in a similar situation for quite a while with my WH. I didn't know for sure about the infidelity until a few weeks ago, but suspected for a while before I got the nerve to investigate.

Lucky for you, you've found out early. Do all the snooping suggested to you and don't delay. I also recommend not giving him any wiggle room.

I would never tell someone to just get a D, but it is definitely an option for you and nobody would blame you for it. Your WH is going to continue as long as you allow this behavior, so act now if you want to give your M a chance.

Best of luck to you.

I've made mistakes such as not valuing his opinion, just minor relationship "getting to know each other" mistakes.

KLD...I've considered it. But, I've waited so long to get married. I've been engaged twice before this time. I knew he was right for me. Right now, I can't figure out why. I love him deeply, but if we weren't together I would be ok. I would be devastated, but ok. I'm torn!!

This site and the advice here-in is the most even, diplomatic, fair marriage advice I have ever read.

Too many people walk away and never really try to make an effort...a real effort....to help their M.

I decided to forgive my H and do all I could in my power to keep us together, without losing my "sense of self" and maintaining some harmony and balance.

It is possible not only to get past infidelity, it is also possible to have an even better marriage after that.

Do I still get hurt, do I still have doubts? You betcha.