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Joined: Feb 2008
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A month after catching the husband. And I can't even give the cheater a bit of a chance until he comes clean with all of the details of his affair, why is that?

Losing weight and my dignity.

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I'm in the same situation. Just got my W to admit to her one night stand and I feel sick and perverted by wanting to know the details and then again not wanting to know. I don't even know the OM and I visualize them togeather and how she was w/ me in certain situations and it makes me sick to my stomach. What is wrong, why do we want to know?


BH(me) - 33
WW - 31
DS - 12
DD - 6
Married - 12 yrs
Aniv - Jan. 27th
PA on - 1/18/08
D-Day - 2/10/08
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 691
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You need to know in order to make sense of something that is incomprehensible.

You need to know because knowing will help you feel safe. Think of it this way. In horror movies, what makes you afraid? Not knowing if the psycho is about to jump out behind ever door. Its terrifying. If you knew were the bad guy was, what he was doing.... well - that makes it less scary. You can prepare yourself.

It is absolutly essential that your H must come clean, he must address your feelings and he MUST be transparent. If he fails to do so, it will be nearly impossible to recover.

Can you post more details? Who was the OW? How did you find out? Have you exposed the A?

Below is a copy of "Joseph's letter". Thsi was written by a man whos wife had an affair. It explains why it is so important to "know"

Quote:

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.





BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

Recovering
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confusedin08 & usedtobesohappy , This is a feeling that I think we have because we know how are H or W is with us and we believe that it was the same with the other person . We do make ourselves sick over it and we can not even begin to heal untill we know the details because what we see in our minds is not always the case. But untill we know we can not accept it or begin to deal with it. If the affair was important enough to have had it then we should be allowed to know the details as why it happened and what happened. Without theese details we will only imagine what it was and we always think the worst possible and I believe that is human nature. Honesty and trust have to be there or it will never be better . But remember trust but verify so you dont find yourself in the same situation again. God Bless

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This is so perplexing to me. My H had what would be referred to as an "emotional affair" and I've learned this is just as detrimental to your well being. I can't beleive he found someone else to laugh with...someone else to call late at night when he was struggling with work...someone else to put on a nice outfit for...This entire situation repulses me but intrigues me too. Our counselor told us it was normal for me to ask questions and that it was his responsibility to answer them. But, he also indicated that over time there would be less questions. I see the truth in that. But, I often wish for a mind vacuum. I wish there was a way to suck out the bad thoughts that swirl in my head. I believe one of the toughest parts in his inability to understand how this scenario lives in my brain every minute of every day and won't go away. Late for dinner???? problem -- don't return my call??? problem -- cell phone rings??? problem -- basically, everything that was normal before is no longer normal any more. This is distressing because I am the one who feels nuts. I will have to go to therapy to "fix" my skewed perception of life and he will simply go on. How is this fair? I tell my kids all the time "life isn't fair", but I don't really want to have to apply it to my marriage. I should be able to trust this man...I should be able to buy a card at the Hallmark store and not have to strain over the mushy stuff about how 'you've never let me down...'it seems odd. I was so sure about us for 17 years and now he's brought something into our marriage that scares me.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Dear used2

Follow the links in my signature line. They will give some answer. This is perfectly normal with all kinds of post traumatic recovery.

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I felt the same way - I wanted EVERY detail. I needed to know - once my need for knowing was met I was able to move into the next stage of forgiveness. There were times I would wake up in the middle of the night - write down questions or even begin asking my WH.

I still have some need to know like what he wore when he saw her - because I want to throw out the clothes. I did throw out one shirt still have to ask what he wore the other time he met her.

Best advice is to keep asking questions until you have NONE left to ask. My H became less defensive as time went on. Stay strong and healthy!

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i did ask every detail --- one to disprove ow and two to be able to comprehend what happen and to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Joseph's letter above is worth reading it will help you comprehend what's going on

I can relate on losing weight right after dday but dont ever lose your dignity

With reading (Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harleys concepts, and the various threads here), IC or MC, posting/asking questions/venting here, you can survive all of this

hugs


dday aug 05
ds was 4 and dd was 3 months old when the A happened
he went home sept 05; stayed for 3 weeks and left us again for ow after 3 weeks
he left preggy ow end of oct 05 and stayed with us since then

we are no contact and recovering
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I just feel so betrayed. Lonely. It's hard to imagine life ever being normal again. Do you think it ever will be?

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I understand how you feel. Will life be normal? It will be a new kind of normal, one that might even be better than before.

Alot of that is contingent upon whether the WS is willing to work to recover. The hard part is the person that hurt us the most is really the only one who can heal us.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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it will feel better in time --- and Kim is right it will take a lot of hardwork and positive changes especially from the one that hurt us most

(((((shaunvdh)))))


dday aug 05
ds was 4 and dd was 3 months old when the A happened
he went home sept 05; stayed for 3 weeks and left us again for ow after 3 weeks
he left preggy ow end of oct 05 and stayed with us since then

we are no contact and recovering
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I had been getting the truth in bits and pieces for 3 months (+ 4 years)I went for months.. imagining... guessing... agonizing... and every time I could almost breathe another truth would come out. Then I found out there was much more. I knew recovery was going to hurt and I was scared. I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep going through it. As it started coming out, I told him if he wanted to stay and work it out... he had to agree to total honesty, and the Marriage Builder courses. I wanted to get all the truths out... so I didnt have to continue to put it together every day...

In a search on the internet I found "10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse" ... which expanded to 25... (half way through I got a mini tape recorded so I could reveal to the OW's BS). He laid out the whole truth and it was 1000x worse than I ever imagined. But it has been much easier to deal with one big chunk than every little detail... esecially if you have to ad lib to fill in the details. When you take on that much... the details are less important. I've had very few follow up questions. My WS says it was easier that way to... helped us get to working on a recovery plan much faster... with most of the facts.

We are doing good... hope you do too
4Yr


BS(me) 47 WH 45 Married 19+ years A - Over 4 Years ended about 6 months ago 1st DDay 5/30/2004 anon phone call 2nd DDay 11/30/07 1st admission of guilt 3rd DDay 02/10/08 Full disclosure In Recovery and going well
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Quote:

A month after catching the husband. And I can't even give the cheater a bit of a chance until he comes clean with all of the details of his affair, why is that?

Losing weight and my dignity.




In my opinion, after finding out the details. It would have been better if I hadn't.

If you want to stay, then details are baggage. Your starting a uphill climb of rebuilding a marriage and then your asking your backpack be filed with every weight possible.

As hard as it seems to move on without details, its harder now that I know them. Because it created so many more triggers for me to break down over.


One day at a time.
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Kiwi Jen posted this one. I liked it so much I put it on my notable posts thread:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I read this on another site and I've been given permission to use it here. It is how a BS got the truth from her WH.

She (and he) wanted to recover but she felt she wasn't getting the "whole" story. He didn't understand WHY she needed it so bady. So she did this.

"I tell him this:

"Imagine a police officer holding a briefcase rings your doorbell and tells you "BS" is dead.

You ask: "What? How?"

The police officer says: "It doesn't matter. All you need to know is she is dead".

You say: "But when? Where? Who caused it? Did she suffer?"

The police officer says: "Sir, I have all that information right here in my briefcase. But you don't need to know any of it. It may hurt you. You may cry. It will be painful. You will get angry. All you need to know is BS is gone."

Her WH told her all the remaining information.


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