**Started this post in Emotional needs... but figured might get better response here....***

My 18 yo son moved in with my Husband (married just under a year, toether for two) and myself on Nov. 25th, 2007--his 18th birthday. My husnband knew everything about what had ocurred- and still supported me all the way inmy dealings with my son and my attempts to get him re-acquainted withand reintergrated with our family...My Son had not lived at home since he was 13 years old- he had been in residential youth treatment facilities and , for the last 18 monthes- a half-way house type of foster care. He was sentenced to the treatment facility and probation for sexually assaulting his younger sister (4 years his junior).... I have stood by BOTH my children- as well as theier younger brother thru ALL of it-- counseling, treatment, court dates, interventions, psychoanalyses, medications- even attended classed myself on how to deal with sexual deviants..... My son is bi-polar (inherited that from HIS father)and has major depressive d/o.... My xH was very abusive towards both me and our son for years before I had the courage and wherewith al to get out... Son was doing SO well with everything this past year- on track to graduate from HS, had a decent little job, a girlfriend who was respectable..... When he turned 18- his stent in Foster care was abruptly stopped- """Hey he's 18, and we're done with him- he has no where to go"" --from DHS caseworker---after 5 years of telling me that my son CANT come home-- they now tell me- he has to-- or he's on the streets... NONE of us were really ready for this- my Husband had only met him a few times- briefly.... because DHS wouldn't allow us to have very much contact with DS....
AT any rate we sat down 4 mandatory rules for letting DS move in with us: 1- he had to stop smoking. 2- he had to finish school-graduate or get a GED, either way and 3- get and keep a job to help with his expenses and to help save money for his own car, etc. --and 4- he had to stay on his very vital meds.... all of these rules he completely disregarded by the middle of Janury. We tried several times to talk to him, to explain the importance of education and job security..... He would just gt pissed and leave for days at time... the 2nd time he was gone for 3 days- we took him personaly to the Workfoce Center, got him in to take his Pre- GED exam, and he was told he needed some tutoring on hhis math & literature skills- the classes were 2 hours a day 4 days week, he refused. He refused to look for a job. He got pissed and left again-gone another 3 days drinking and partying- after we gave him the ultimatum to get his GED classes and a job by the end of the month- or be looking for alternative living arrangements.... He got pissed, but gave us an almost believeable consent- we told him he would also have to be back on his meds----- he got even more pissed and grabbed both bottles, slammed a handful of each and swallowed them- yelling that he was "making up for the last month w/o and next month too- and that maybe that'd just kill him and he'd not have to deal with it anymore---yelling mostly at me...My Dear Husband who had been quietly supportive of me all along had finally had enough and told him he was not going to disrespect Me or the rest of the family like that and told him to get out. He threw things and ranted and left with a slamming door. I called 911 to alert them, and they have put out an APB lookout fro him...Nothing has been found out yet...That was 3 days ago..... and I have heard nothing. I am terrified for my son, as I love him greatly...but I am also relieved that my Husband stood up for me and still stands by me in all of this.... I know we did what was right in forcing him to take responsibility for his own actions--- but why do I till feel like such a failure. My DH also has stated that He too feels miserable about the whole sitch-- but I find no fault in him for standing up for his wife and family........ I just need some emotional support, and reassurance here....Has anyone else dealt with similar isssues? How do we get thru this?

I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. I really do believe in tough love, though, as hard as that is to put into practice. Why? Because every thing you do to 'help' your son get better only teaches him that someone will help him get better. I firmly believe that the human being does best when he does for himself. And I base that on 40 years of reading about human nature, psychology, sociology...it's just what people do. When we lose all our support system...we pull ourselves up and get on with life.

Your son probably won't have the life you envisioned for him 15 years ago, but he will have a life, one he has put together for himself after all his life experiences. But he won't do it, he won't get there, if you pick up the slack for him.

I know how painful that is, how hard it will be to implement, but you have to do it for his sake. He has to have a reason to get past his past.

RE: catperson...
Yes...I know...but it IS still a painful situation for all of us... He did call and leave a voice message once, and called my office once- just left the message that he had called. Nothing further... At least I know he's "okay"...
I have done all that I can reasonably do ... I know that. just accepting that and not feeling that I am a bad parent because of putting my son out to fend for himself. A part of me wants to let him come home...if he ever asks...but I know that it would not be the best thing to do... My major dilemma is an internal one, a struggle with myself..... My Husband has been SO very supportive, understanding and comforting- as well as keeping me grounded with his straight forward sensibility and reality-checks. LOL... I love him dearly...don't have a clue what I would do without him... even though he & I have had some pretty tough times between us, too.... but those are on other threads.....posted by: "4myself" as well as my current screen name, "4BetterorWorse".... Thanks for any support......

Does it help you to think of things in terms of years? I mean, your son is really still a child, or young adult. Meaning, he still has 50 years of growing and learning and adapting to do. I try to teach my D17 to look at things with perspective. For example, she may angst over what her friends are doing; but I say 'how many of these people do you really think you will ever speak to again after you graduate next year?'

Your son will go through some growing pains, learn some lessons, and grow up. If he gets clean, it will be a great learning experience if he finds he really can't get whatever he wants on his own. He has to make some sacrifies. If he doesn't get clean, well, you've done the best you can. Try to get some perspective.

I don't think that my perspective is off...just the ache in my heart that I am finding disconcerting.... and the stress we have been dealing with... Yes, I am a bit relieved now that he is out of the house...But as a Mother- I still worry. He contacted me yesterday at work, and asked to come pick up some clothes, etc. Had him meet me at my office, and he rode to the house with me...we talked a little; he stayed a few nights with various friends, spent one or two nights sleeping in the local park (where all the homeless in the area hang-out)... breaks my heart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ... but he has gotten into the local shelter; at least there he has a warm bed, showers and an evening meal at least. They have programs there also to help folks find jobs and get self-sufficient. I told him I would still pay for his GED, and that I love him... Let him know that just because he wasn't living with us anymore- does not mean that he is not welcome to come visit... I assured him that he is still very much a part of the family and we love him and want him to succeed- but that he was simply at a stage in his life where HE needs to work things out on his own. I also gave him a little cash, and some food. My Husband and I then took him- with what few belongings- clothing mostly- to the shelter. Damn- that was SO hard for me to drop my own Son off at a homeless shelter!
But we do what we have to do... even though it hurts....

{{{4bow}}} You are being so strong! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But try to see 4 or 5 years from now, after he has learned to 'do this' on his own. If he succeeds, he will be so VERY grateful to you for helping him get through this in the only way possible. You know in your heart and mind that you have to do it this way. And he has your love, and I think that will make all the difference in the world. Truly, I do.

catperson-
thanks...really... and yes- it is very hard....
yes- If he SUCCEEDS.... But what IF he does not????

where do I set a boundary line as to when enough "learning" is enough and allow him to come home- if he needs to?????????????

You sit down - all of you - and establish a list of measures, or standards, by which you gauge his success. Weekly drug testing. Weekly pay stubs. Discussion with counselor, whomever, in position of power over him. Transcript into college. Grades. Assigned chores. Stuff like that, that are reasonable and doable. Everyone signs it. Everyone sits down once a week to review, maybe Sunday night.

We tried that- short of walking him personally to each class (HS), to work each day, etc. we did try the rules/concequences/rewards system. He lied to us, I would take him to school- he went in the front door- I headed on to work- guess he went right out the back door- or hid in the bathroom/library/etc. til EOD.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> After he quit school- H & I personally took him to a pre-GED exam and class...
First one he stayed for- there after- nope. I personally gave him rides to work--- dropped him off-- guess he caught a ride with someone else to "play".... What more could I/we have done???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I guess I misunderstood. I was thinking you were saying that now he's at a point where he wants to come home and get straight. If he's not going to be at that point, you just have to release him. He has got to suffer his own hard knocks.

You know what straightened out my BIL? Serial liar, cheat, bad check writer, tax evader, drug seller? He got arrested for bouncing a $17 check at 7-11, and spent one night in jail before my H could get him released. About 12 hours total. It scared the bejeezus out of him, and he stopped selling drugs and just about everything else.

Sometimes they just have to learn that it truly IS them against the world before they get smart.

I know how scary that is; I can barely stand the thought of my D17 being at the mall without me! Sometimes I just tell myself if she were to die in a car crash, at least she'd be with Jesus, you know? (trying not to think about worse things like rape or kidnapping) But I have to do that, tell myself if she dies, she dies, or else I'd be following her around for the rest of her life. Sorry if that sounds weird, just trying to say that we have to let go at some point and treat them like another quasi-adult who hopefully has learned some life skills along the way like any other person.

But no, if your son is unwilling to do those kinds of things, if he were my son, I'd have to tell him he can't come back. Lying, sneaking, quitting, none of that would get him a place back in my home - because it would be hurting him, not helping him. Get a job, get a GED, get an efficiency apartment, show me success for 6 months, then we'll talk.