Hi
I currently have another post going but am having problems sticking to Plan A, my own fault. WS is living with the OM which is making Plan A difficult. Recently I have done some LB'ing and am not helping my cause with Plan A. So the MB Bible seems to advocate letters or telephone calls to try and keep it light and the pressure off.
I was thinking of sending or giving her the letter below tomorrow, what do you guys think on this letter and on letters in general???

My letter:

As it's valentines day today and as I seem to have been doing a bad job in the last few days of supporting you and making you happy, I wanted to write you a letter to try and makes things clearer and start from fresh.

I made a lot of mistakes with you, I concentrated on paying for an expensive apartment because I thought, and I was wrong, that is was very important to you. To do that I did lots of silly work that wasn't good for me and meant that I spent a lot of time in front of the computer. When you met me I had a good job, travelling the world and without having to work 18 hours a day. Because I made the wrong decision about what you wanted, and because I had to work so hard for that stupid apartment, I got angry with you or "your son" sometimes, when it was not necessary. I got angry with the two people I love the most in the world. I have had so much time to think without you, I always thought I was a nice guy and that I didn't do anything wrong in my life, but I do. I am not perfect, I have made mistakes. I have never sat alone before and tried to work out what I have done wrong and look inside myself to try and fix it.

I think I have worked out what I need to do for you, me and "your son". Just make you and "your son" happy. That's it, nothing else is important. It's not important where you live if you are happy, I don't have to ask where you are if you are happy because I know I am making you happy. That's what I meant when I asked if I was enough for you, just me, if I made you happy. I know I made you so happy when I first met you, and that's what I want to do again. It's my fault for getting into a mess with the apartment and not being honest with you about what we could pay and what we couldn't, I just tried to run and not walk and give you everything without thinking about how to do it!

I can't believe I have made such stupid mistakes with you, it's what a lot of people do put work or business before their family. I can't believe I was so stupid and did that to you and "your son". I want you to know I never did anything deliberately to hurt you, I thought I was doing the right thing and only now looking back do I realise the mistakes I made and how I let you down.

All I can do now, is hope that you give me the chance to show you I have changed. That I will never repeat the mistakes I made before. I know so far I have not been good at showing you, my feelings that you are still with him have made it difficult for me to show you. But that's not being a man, I am going to start being the strong man that you want NOT the weak one from before. I pray that you will allow me to show you what a good man and father I can be, that I will never make the same mistakes I made with you before, that I will love you and "your son" for the rest of your life with no conditions. I won't control or argue, I won't tell you what to do or tell you what you can't do, I won't stop you enjoying your life and I won't treat you like a possession. I will spend every day trying my hardest for you and "your son" and hoping that I make you happy and that when you are happy you never need to look to another man again.

I love you so very much and remember all the places we have been, all the things we have done, and all the problems we have survived. I want my best friend back, I want to make you so happy you never cry again and create a happy home for "your son". I want to be always there for you through everything.....I love you. xxx

What's your objective in sending this Spike ?

As you know from the help you've given me, I feel like the last few days I have messed up a previously good Plan A so I am trying to get it back on track without pressuring her. But to be honest I am not sure. I was feeling quite secure in my Plan A before I messed it up by too much pressure, questions and talking to her friends too much.
I guess this letter could also be seen as pressure. I was just re-reading the book, surviving an affair, and noticed that when the WS is absent and pressure is an issue letters and telephone calls can be helpful.

Thing is with active wayward folks, direct communication doesn't work so well.

There is usually a filter in place in the direct channel of communications of the WS that repaints facts as being supportive of the OP and WS being good people and the BS being bad people.

This has been called "fog". Orchid has written a lot about it.

This "fog" obscures what you try to say AND what the WS actually means to say.

While a spouse is actively wayward it is best not to trust anything they say, nor assume that any message you have given them will be properly interpreted by them.

What DOS work at this time is the " peripheral vision" of the WS heart ad intellect.

Say direct WORDS of love and marriage and the WS will likely read bad connotations into it.

Set a CULTURE of love and support in your life and the WS will assimilate this by immersion.

It is like when friends read to coma victims. When they awaken many cannot recall what words were spoken, only that they were cared for and invested in while unconscious.

This was certainly the case with Squid and many other WS I have seen on here.

Your attempt to lay out the facts as you see them in this letter will not likely find their mark. Your WW may think " talk is cheap" , as you have learned from her example.

The thing to do is set a loving and supportive CLIMATE for your WW to experience in your plan A. She will either respond to that or else she will notice its removal when you plan B.

In either case it is way more effective than needful letters.

Using letters to communicate is fine, but IMO not this kind of plaintive note. I know you are desperate for her to agree with your words, but she is most likely actively deluding herself that they are not true right now.

Just IMO.

Yeah you are right......
Sorry for posting rubbish, and thank you for keeping me on track.
She has chided me before because I talk too much and don't do....so I think this would be interpreted as more talk.
If I want to get back on track, I guess the only way to do it is to adhere strictly to Plan A and no more love busters and hope I get more chances to show her a good Plan A.
Thanks Bob, letter going in trash cos you are 100% right.

Spikester,

""letter going in trash cos you are 100% right.""

I totally agree. Seemed to be another form of the whining, blubbering Spike, which we do not wish to see anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Plus regarding "your son", why the quotation marks?

We want the confident Spike, with a knowing half smile on his face and that twinkle in his eye that attracted your W to you in the first place.

And no, I am not gay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Not that there is anything wrong with that (Seinfeld episode, a U.S. thing)

Do you exercise regularly? If so, or not, tomorrow morning get up and run (or walk) a mile or two to get those endorphines pumping through you body. Throw your shoulders back, lifting your chin up, ready to face what ever the world has to throw at you.

When you see her, think about the good, funny times with her that totally made you laugh...and then smile about them!!! When she asks what you are smiling about, tell her "Oh, nothing". Get that air of mystery going.

Anti Ds are a very good idea. Too late for Valentines day but they will help to even out the damn roller coaster.

Take care of yourself, eat right, lay off the sauce, and get enough sleep. Work on YOU getting better, which she will notice.

Stay strong. You are on the high road! You are in the right.

kirk

PLUS HOW CAN ANY MAN WITH THE NAME OF SPIKE BE A WIMPY CRYBABY?

It just can not happen!