Jim, his best hope for saving his marriage IS plan B, IF it even can be saved. I already explained that. The biggest risk to his marriage is the status quo, *NOT* Plan B and not even D.

She told you where the weakness is.



Put pressure on the OM.

~ Marsh

Hey guys,

Thanks for your comments and it really mean a lot to know you guys care enough to weight in here. The last time I consulted with SH, he told me to Plan A since Plan B is really not an option and Plan D is definitely out of the question unless I want it. I have a friend that were in similar situation as our’s, he file for DV to enforce NC; well, they were divorced in less than a year. I’m not going Plan D unless that’s what I want, and that’s not what I want right now. Like Jim is saying, WW will never file for DV and I’m not going to help her get there. I’m also not under the impression that all marriage could be saved especially when only one person is working on it.

Whoever said it was easy; I’m a runner (I like to run anyway) and this is a marathon. I’ll make it to the finish line one way or another. Since WW’s affair is on this demolished one way street, where she’s tries to force herself on him (not sexually but mentally). I know from the get go, she’s the one that breaks N/C and the OP has always tell her their affair is over and encourage her to work on our marriage. Could you imagine if he want this A to continue?

On the plus side, the duration of her N/C is getting longer (I know 6 weeks is not that long but for her it is); I’m going to stay and wait this out. I hope she takes the initiative to make the arrangement with the MC and I’m not going to force it because I want her to want it. I exposed the latest contact with her dad, brother and one of her best friend. They talked to her even yelled but I really don’t think it’ll sink in; just like all the other times before.

Marshmallow is correct, the next time N/C is broken, I’ll pay the OP a visit before confronting her and the circle of exposure is going to be larger.

Who, I said the same thing when one of my co-worker’s brother was going thru his DV while they both in the same house. When he refused to pay for their household expenses because his WW was sleeping around, she went to court and got CS and Alimony taken out of his paycheck. He’s divorced now, his WW is living in their house with the OM; he’s now paying CS and 4 years of alimony as part of the settlement. He gets the kids every other weekend and one weekday every two weeks. Unbelievable but this is NJ.

Mike, why would Steve say that Plan B is "not an option?" It clearly is an option, so in what context would he say this?

How's that working for ya, Mike? Haven't you done all this before?

You are enabling.

Why are you waiting until "next time" to confront this POS and ramp up exposure?

All waiting until next time is going to do is guarantee that there is in fact a NEXT TIME.

Why is Plan B not an option?

Why is D not an option?
I suspect that the sooner you figure out that those are in fact very REAL options, the sooner you'll have a chance at a normal relationship with your W.

He is just doing the same thing over and over and over and over again expecting a different result, which is the definition of insanity. I don't know who is more foggy, him or his W.

More to the point, until these become real options in her mind, she has no reason to change. Where she is becomes all the reason she needs to stay right where she is...

Overview of New Jersey Divorce Law

Mike, I would contact a lawyer and see what can be done, and I understand that you want to recover the marriage, but you might need to be willing to give it up in order to do that.

Mark

ML,

I explained to SH my situation like I did here, the only way I could Plan B is for me to move out of the house since she wouldn’t go and I can’t force her. He advised me not to move out. No, it’s not working but I see it as baby steps, it’s not pretty but it will there one day (I hope).

Tyk,

The last contact, I confronted POS; so we still here and it didn’t help. This time, she’s the one that bring up MC, so I’m going to let the confrontation slide. Plan D is always an option, but until I truly want it, it is out of the question and SH didn’t advise that either. He said if I go Plan D, I better be ready to go thru with it. Do you guys really believe Plan D is going to give our marriage a chance? I know there are couples that save their marriage by going Plan D; but I bet there are more couples divorced when Plan D was executed. I’m not a gambling man right now especially with my family. What is your definition of ‘normal relationship’, a divorced couple could be a normal relationship. How would you implement Plan B without going thru Plan D if you are in my situation?

I know one day Plan D will be my only choice, until then...

Mike,


Why would she, since she is doing what she wants when she wants. Cake eating is what we call it here.


That explains the situation.


And what will you do if she seeks out and finds another OM?

Just my HO, but it sure doesn't look like what you have been doing has or is working for you. Your call, but shaking things up a bit might wake your WW up. Right now, she is counting on the status quo from you and you are providing it, on schedule.

Who

Mark,

I went to two lawyers and both of them are telling me the same thing. Thanks for the link, I need to refresh my options anyway.

I know Plan D is my next option, and my last option.

So, he did not tell you that Plan B was not an option, only that AT THE TIME, you should not move out of your house. I assure you that Steve NEVER MEANT for you to live in Plan A eternally. It is meant to be TEMPORARY, not a way of life.

That being said, Mike, you are at a point where Plan A is not an option anymore and presents a much greater threat to your marriage than does Plan D.

The ONLY ANSWER might be Plan D [and Plan B] since PLAN A IS NOT WORKING.

You are not taking "baby steps," you are enabling ongoing and consistent CONTACT. Recovery is impossible like this. IMPOSSIBLE. Recovery is impossible when the WS is in a state of perpetual WITHDRAWAL and has no inclination or motivation to end contact.

Mike, the thing is that your wife has no motivation to stop this because you are ENABLING HER. Apparently, she feels that there is nothing you can do to stop her, and she doesn't even worry that you will divorce her. Plan A has not worked, Mike, and will probably cause you to experience severe emotional trauma. Plan A was never meant to be a way of life.

Who, I know Plan DV will be my next move if MC doesn't workout. We all know that's where I'll be but I'm just not ready for it right now. Thanks for gearing me up for the inevitable; I really mean it to all of you.

If it didn't help, why did your WW ask you not to do it again?

And why would she throw out MC for you as a reward not to do it again?

Put more pressure on him, now. It sounds as though he's just looking for an excuse to completely cut her loose. And she knows it.

~ Marsh

Plan D is a much better option than a lifelong plan A, IMO, and I guarantee you it is the greatest threat to your marriage right now.

But I have an idea, Mike, that I would you to consider. I got this idea from Dr. Harley on his radio show. In order for your W to withdraw, she has to end contact with the OM. It would be much easier to do this if you moved far away. It would be much harder for her to see him. As it is right now, the affair could resume TODAY if the OM had an inclination and changed his mind. Of course it could do the same long distance, but that would be harder to enact and much easier for you to detect. The chances of successful no contact are much greater if you live farther away.

So, my suggestion is to find a job in another city and move. [with the kids] Sell the house and she will either have to follow you or stay behind. If she stays behind, you can still leave the door open, but can go into plan B. Either way, you are ahead and you are removed from her affair.

ML,

You know I always treasure your opinion, when I’m ready for Plan D (and Plan B), should I move out of my house or should both of us stay because she won’t go. If I go that route, I’ll consult SH first.

mike,

New Jersey is one of the states that actually allows "trial separation". This would help you achieve Plan B without the legal risks or charges of abandonment. You can't push her out, but with a legal separation, she may even be ordered to leave the home. I'm not suggesting you move to Plan D.....but perhaps you may want to discuss the Plan B option (achieved with a trial separation) with Steve Harley and see what he thinks about that.

All that said....there are some people who can do longer Plan As than others and who remain in love with their WS despite the odds and multiple d-days. Lotsva comes to mind. You actually sound as though you're not in danger at all of hating your WS any time soon, and are very capable of continuing to do a good Plan A.

I think you'd have way more success in ending the affair if you'd enforce that boundary by refusing to remain in this triangle....I really do

....but I don't think you're weak, an enabler, insane or and idiot for refusing to try a high risk strategy that you aren't ready to employ.

Excellent idea!

~ Marsh

But why? Even if you filed today, your wife would still be given more time to come out of the fog. She could come to your intermediary and agree to never see the OM again and to commit to a plan of recovery. She has been given enough chances and enough time to end her affair and hasn't done it, Mike.

There are still chances for her to recover, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. This has gone on far, far too long.

ML, Finding a job that pays as well is almost impossible. I had too many years invested in my job and will give up too much to move. Not impossible but... I know we'll be in DV court fighting custody of the kids if I find another job and tried to move with my kids.