She would leave if there was a court order, though. Or if you moved to another city.

Why not consult with Steve NOW and bring him up to speed? See what he suggests at this point in time.

ML,

I respect your opinion very much, but plan A then plan B is not the only route to ending an affair and recovering your marriage. It is probably the best plan for working in most situations. That being said, I don't think that this is "most situations." I find that his WW is one of those "path of least resistance" WSs, and if he files for D, then he will be divorced and probably not even get a very favorable settlement. It's all about what's more important to him - having a loving relationship with another woman, or keeping his family intact with his kids. If he keeps his family intact there is always the chance that he can rebuild his marriage later. It's all about what he is willing to do, not what we would be willing to put up with. Mike is stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it's up to him on how to deal with it. I'm sure if it weren't for his children he would already have been divorced. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and you have to pick between the lesser of two evils. That being said, he needs to put in place consequences for when his WW breaks NC, like causing trouble for OM and exposing to her family.

Keep in mind that recovery is also IMPOSSIBLE under the current conditions. Impossible. As you can see, the draw of the OM is irresistable to your wife.

Just an observation, but you seem to have an excuse to justify "DOING NOTHING" for just about every possible scenario.

Honest question ... WHY ARE YOU HERE??? ... aren't you just wasting everyone's time by seeking advice that you fully intend to IGNORE???

Jim, I disagree. Doing the same thing over and over again and living in a perpetual Plan A is NOT working. We can see that with our own eyes. HE does not have a marriage and won't have one until something changes here. If I were him, I would call SH and get a game plan before he grows to hate his wife or even worse, suffers emotional or physical symptoms.

Mike, I sympathize with you a little, but MR is right. This is why I stopped posting to you 2 years ago when you first came here. You ignored all our advice then just as you are ignoring our advice NOW. You will only listen to any advice that advocates the STATUS QUO. Please note you are in the same position today you were then and nothing has changed.

I wish you the best..

This has been going on for TWO years???

~ Marsh

Guess I should have read his sig line.

Duh.

~ Marsh

Star, where did you come up with trial separation because my lawyers said there is no such thing? There is no-fault divorce on ground that the couples lived separately, in different house for at least 18 months. Check out Mark’s link on page two. Even if there is, one of us will be moving out, the likelihood is the husband because the kids are use to having the mom in the home and my WW is primary care giver.


ML, I wish it was that easy to get a court order to get WW out of the house. Believe me, I would file a long time ago. My lawyers told me unless there are grounds such as children are in danger or drug abuse, there’ll be slim to none for the court to issue such an order. The only way for me to Plan B is to do Plan D first then move out with Plan B.

MR, I may not be doing what the board wants right now while I give MC one last chance. I’m here to seek advice and gearing up for Plan D when I finally get there, so doing nothing is not what I’m about. I just don’t move as quickly as some of you want but I’ll be there.

WOW ... more empty justifications ... JUST HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO YOURSELF???

I'm outta here ... you can now return to your preprogrammed delusions!!!

I did Plan A, Plan B then Plan A and I'm still here. So what have or should I have done diffently that could change my situation. I'm not saying I wouldn't go Plan D but just not right now until all options are exhusted.

Mike, here is what you said on 04/27/06 09:56 AM and you are still in the same place, except worse, IMO:

"Updates:

W agreed to MC with no promise from her and will start next Wednesday. She has ask me to give her space and not smother her with love notes, flowers etc."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=2&vc=1

What options do you have left?

MC?

The only reason she has agreed to go is if you promise not to interfere w/ her A.

~ Marsh

What other options do you see for yourself, Mike?

ML, this time is a little different because she asked for MC not me. She has also told me that the OP was furious and crying for her to let him go and do something about her life; she said she does not want to do this anymore; not to him, to me, to herself and to the family. It was more honest, that's all.

I know its gut wrenching to watch from the sideline but it is hard decision for me since I have to live with the consequences if I go thru with DV without giving this my last shoot.

Thank you all.

She made a deal w/ you.

You don't talk to OM (interfer w/ her A) and she'll go to MC w/ you (string you along).

~ Marsh

Sorry, I meant "legal" separation....but it's not really that either. It's a bit antiquated....but the law in New Jersey is interesting. Evidently in New Jersey there is a legal proceeding similar to a legal separation called "divorce from bed and board". Here:

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_jersey/new_jersey_separation_agreements


also: The grounds for legal separation (or a divorce from bed and board) are the same as for divorce. One of the spouses must be a resident of New Jersey for at least 1 year prior to filing for legal separation or when the cause for legal separation is adultery and took place in New Jersey, 1 of the spouses must have been a resident (no time limit). [New Jersey Statutes Annotated; Title 2A, Chapter 34-2].


Well....again....this isn't absolute either, especially since mom has been involved an adulterous relationship.

Why would you want to file for a "no fault" divorce anyway? New Jersey allows "fault"....and adultery is one of them.

What do you want the guy to do? He said that he has talked to SH, and he recommends Mike's course of action. My WW broke NC many times, but they became less frequent until they finally ended. She eventually atarted working on the M again. If he files for divorce, his WW probably goes through with it, and he gets his kid one night a week and every other weekend. Plan A/Plan B isn't always a magic bullet. He understands that his situation is not ideal for following Dr. Harley's plan. Divorce laws in some states are stacked against the man. If he goes to plan B, he could gamble and lose everything. He just needs to be better about making consequences for her breaking her NC agreement. He's just frustrated and looking for somethings he can do in plan A because he's not going to plan B. Instead of beating him up for his course of action, either help him or don't respond to him at all.

By the way, his situation is much different than it was two years ago. OM wants nothing to do with his WW, and she only makes contact once every 6 weeks now which is much better than fooling around with him every day. She is just clinging on to the last threads now. Pretty soon, she'll give up on OM like he has given up on her. Is it the ideal path? No, but he doesn't have many better choices IF HIS GOAL IS TO BE ABLE TO SEE HIS CHILDREN EVERY DAY.

Mike,

Since New Jersey does allow for No Fault divorce after 18 months separation, that might not be your best option, but NJ also allows for divorce due to cause and one of those causes is adultery.

Check with your lawyer, preferably someone who deals with dad's rights, and see if there isn't a way to file on grounds of adultery and seek an order for her to be removed from the family home.

Of course this would mean that YOU would have to become the primary care giver for the kids, but this is what you should have done at the beginning of Plan A in order to prevent your wife's attitude from having negative effects on the kids.

You have to do something to break the tie here man...If she can continue to get her occasional fix of OM in order to keep her fantasy alive and have nothing negative come from it at all because you are "in Plan A", she will never make up her mind...NEVER...Even if she eventually stops seeking out OM, the fantasy stays alive and even if you never get divorced, you will never truly recover.

I'm not saying she needs to be punished, but nothing bad has happened yet because of her actions. In fact, she now has a husband who is falling all over himself to make her happy as well as a fantasy on the side that keeps her motor revved up...She has no problem at all. You need to help her have a problem! Until you do, this cycle can't end. You have to change something or expect this to continue forever.

And BTW, once she knows she can get away with an affair, she will not take long to start another one if OM really dumps her...unless she has an epiphany...Just can't physically slap them up-side-o-the-head...But she needs some kind of head slap...

What does the MC say to all of this?