I was posting on this site for a few months, I took all the advice I was given and tried to save my marraige.

She told me 4 months ago that she had strong feelings for OM. I expossed her, etc. I followed the advice I was given except I failed at one part, she refused to quit her job where the OM worked.

Now, she want's to seperate to work out her personal "issues". She says she is over the OM and wants to seperate b/c of our failed marraige. I guess I believe her, she has lied sooo much to me I don't know what to think anymore.

Well... I am moving to Florida with my family for a while from North carolina. I leave in 1 1/2 weeks by myself. last week my 2 older children moved in with their biological mother after 6 years with me and current wife. Now I have to leave by her request and am also loosing my youngest child that current wife had by me.

We tried for a long time after the infeidelity issue but I was still angry with her. I never gave her a chance to love me again. We tried until I cought her in a lie again:

She told me she was going out with a friend whom I know and turned out that she went to friends house where the Om lives. I blew up at her and she turned her phone off. When she came home we argued and thats when she requested seperation.

Now I am just waiting to leave but she is seperating herself by not calling me anymore during the day. She even slept on the couch a few nights. We still can't stop being intimate with each other, and she says she loves me.

note: she is 26, I am 35.

What can I expect after I leave? What do I do now, I am lost again, this sucks.

I sent her flowers for valentines day, I don't even think she cares if she got them. Whcih brings me to my next question:

What do I do to keep her informed that I still love her? I don't want to call her everyday and make things weird for her, she is the one who wants to seperate.

I am depressed

I also failed to mention:

I - have been an alcoholic for many years, this is the main cause of our problems.

She - is addicted to Marijuanna (everyday use)

I have stopped drinking, 1 week now and I see the difference. I understand that I have been an [censored], this result in our marraige is b/c of me.

You should post this over on General Discussion so some of the vets will see it. Neither a vet, nor successful at saving my own M (and I did NOT sleep at a Holiday Inn either), but if you have any hope of saving this, DO NOT LEAVE!!!!!! In fact, I'd recommend not leaving even if you have given up on it, especially since there are children involved. You could be walking away from them as well (it will be virtually impossible to get them back once you are gone).

But again, post on the other forum and get those with the real experience to help you.

It has only been one week dry. You will suffer side effects of withdrawal for a while. Depression can be one. How are you sleeping? Are you having any headaches or tremmors? Have you seen your doctor so he can monitor you? I would advise you seeing your doctor asap.

As for your wife, read up on plan A. (sending the flowers would be a good part of plan A)

Take care.

How can I NOT leave? She wanted me out last weekend but we made a deal for me to stay just 2 weeks until I could go. I am trying to call her on the phone right now as I type to see if she will go back to our marraige councilor before I leave. She has refused to go to counciling for many months now, said it was issues she would go to councilor by hjerself to deal with.

Sleep? Haha, no, I haven't slept very well at all. I discount tremors and shaking b/c I haven't drank any alcohol for a week now.

What are the consiquences (if i spelled that right) of joining her addiction?

Joining her addiction? As in starting to smoke pot just as you are beginning your recovery from alcoholism? Smoking pot with her won't save your marriage and it's a terrible example for the children.

If you post this on the GQII board, consider putting something about addiction or alcoholism in the title. LostHusband doesn't post much any more, but he's a recovering alcoholic. I think he's been sober for 2 or 4 years now.

Why are you going to Florida? Is it for work? If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go for any other reason because you will be seen as abandonning your children.

Since you've read up here for a while, you must know about Plan A. Is it time to move to Plan B? It seems clear your wife has been in contact with the OM.

Good luck.

Yeah, joining her is stupid. I don't know why I even typed that.

Because you're in shock. Your wife has asked you to leave, and your body is a mess because it's going through detox.

Why are you moving to Florida?

I lost my job 6 months ago, I have been at a dead end job for a while now. I have lost hope of concentrating on finding a better career again since me and wife on the "fritz". My family is in florida, her family is here. I always depended on wife for support, I need emotional support in my life and I can only get that if I go to florida to be with family.

Erinn, with all due respect, your children need your support right now. I know you need your family's support, but you are an adult. You can survive this without leaving your children halfway up the Atlantic coast.

I know there's a lot of scary stuff going on in your world right now. Just a couple of years ago, I had a lot of scary stuff going on in my world. I cannot tell you the phone bills I ran up talking to my family and friends.

What I've come to learn about scary times is they are gifts from God. They are chances to grow and to reshape our lives.

One of the opportunites you have right now is to learn that you can stand on your own two feet. You may need emotional support, we all do, but that doesn't mean you need to abandon your children. There's the phone. There are friends. You'd be amazed at how many people will talk to you and help you and care for you if you just ask them.

Is it the dead end job you lost, or is the dead end job a filler until you find a career you love?

Keep in mind that finding a new career may be part of saving your marriage. Financial support is important to women. It may be especially important to women who marry older men.

If you go to Florida, what do you hope to accomplish? I'm wondering what concrete results you expect, not emotional support.

******
The caveat to my hardline approach is if you are having a complete emotional breakdown and are a danger to yourself. Then, you need to go where you can get good psychiatric therapy and people can watch you. But, the image I get from your posts is a strong man who is overwhelmed. Am I wrong?

Dead end job is a filler until i continue my career. (I screwed-up a good job) but I can go back into the same career. I have had opportunities in jobs but she doesn't talk to me and support the decision of what to do. (I do ask her).

I guess I am running away from this, I am trying soooo hard not to drink. I have tried to keep this marriage together for many months now and I'm tired.

I thought that if we were to seperate that I would go to florida and start a new career there and show her I could make her happy again with a new start in a new area.

Her "best" friend is a big problem but the wife doesn't see it that way.

I just got in contact with the marriage councilor, he made an emergency appointment for next Monday. I pray that this works, this is my last chance to stop the seperation. Wife agreed to go with a reluctent sigh.

It's going to be a lot harder to fix this situation if you are in Florida. Tons harder.

Have you joined Alcoholics Annonymous? If not, join now! Most groups have daily meetings, and they use the buddy system. From what I hear, it's a terrific place for support.

I know you're tired. You can rest, but let's keep a tight grasp on priorities.

1. God by whatever name
2. Your children and their well being. They need you. No one else can be their true dad. Their world has been totally turned upside down and they haven't got any control over it. They need you, and you CAN do this. I've got a really good gut feeling.
3. Putting food on the table and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The really stinking part of these growth opportunites is sometimes it's all we can do to get out of bed. This is one of those times. Give yourself lots of pats on the back for getting out of bed and going to work. Give yourself tenfold pats on the back for staying sober.
4. Getting into a career you'll love. This is on the list but lower down. It's really hard for a man to lose a job. Men get a much higher percentage of their self-worth and identity from their career than women do.

Just keep this in mind: The most successful men have been fired at least once. I'm a talk radio junkie. My favorite is Glenn Beck. He's a recovering dirtbag alcoholic who lost it all, including an awesome job he loved. He turned his life around through prayer and sobriety and now he's on the radio again and living his dream ten times over.

You can do it too.

You can be the BEST POSSIBLE you. Do that and listen when God talks to you and watch for those doors he's opening. You'll be surprised at how great your life will be on the other side of this.

My post crossed yours.

This is excellent news.

Call AA.

Oh, and this is not the last chance to stop the separation.
Go and get "SHould I stay or should I go? How a controlled separation can save your marriage" It is excellent and may be just the ticket for your situation.

Also, a separation is just a separation. It is not a divorce. If you are around, you can date your wife. Personally, I think we'd all be a lot better off if we continued to date our spouses after marriage. Being in contact with her is a must. Can you continue to follow Plan A?

I spoke with her mom today at lunch. She told me pretty much how it is.

This marriage is over, there is no more reconciliation after this and that we need to go our seperate ways. I was un-invited to the family gathering for this evening as well.

I know I am an alcoholic and she told me so. She told me to focus on myself and my children and that the reason my wife is in someone elses arms is because of our destructive relationship.

I was always the one in control, now my wife has moved on and I am out of control. I was intimidating to her and that is why she lied to me for so long. This marriage is over and thats what I needed to hear.

I then called my wife and she agreed with everything that was said, she is over me.

I am a "good looking" guy, I have had many oportunities to cheat but I didn't. I was faithful to her, I love her.

I know that I have to move on now, i know that it's over. I am moving to florida in 1 week. I will miss her and be lost without her. She was my world but I went and screwed that up. Man... I am a mess, I raised the white flag to her. I told her that I will no longer try or be in the way for what makes her happy and I will grant her a divorce.

Has anyone been in this situation like mine and actually got back together with their spouse? Is this the end?

Oh... She also cancelled the meeting with the councilor, said was no need to go.