Erinn, have you read up on Plan B? I think it's time.

Also, some people have come back from this point. Some people have wayward spouses who divorce them only to come back seeking reconciliation.

Work on yourself. Stay sober. Take care of your kids. These are the actions that will lead to YOUR long-term happiness.

I have read plan B, I prepared for that a long time ago. I am staying sober, I like it better this way. I just need to share that with someone, I can't be alone for long. I am very needy in a relationship, I need love and affection all of the time.

I have to work on me now, I understand this. I am just very depressed about it and still in disbelief that it is actually over.

I started talking with a lover that I had right before I met my current wife. I actually chose my wife over her and she moved on. This other woman (we will call her "other") has had bad relationships her entire life.

We are attracted to each other and have started talking again. She is a very succesful buisness manager and has a great future. She is very beutiful and worth the effort to date and possibly go further with.

My point is this:

I have an opportunity to see her next week - should I go see her?

Is this fair to her? what I mean is that I am just now ending a marriage, can I emmotionally give her what she needs?

can I go forward with someone else this soon or am I headed for disaster?

I am actually thinking of this b/c of the last 6 months of my marriage. My wife hasn't been there for me besides sex. It's weird but that seems to be the only reason she has stayed with me for this long, sex.

yes I guess I am pretty screwed in the head if I am complaining about sex when I am a guy, ha!

Erinn,

You posted on my post and I don't know if you read it again, but I replied to what you said and I hope you do read it.

But I might as well throw my two cents in here. Let me help you because I'm codependent. Ha ha. Just kidding. But really, I am and I know quite a bit about codependency which you seem to have. It often precedes and then exasperates alcoholism...and gets in the way of recovery. Listen, you don't quit being an alcoholic by sheer will. You will do alright for a week, a month, even a few months, but your brain will find a reason one of these days in the near future to justify a drink...and then it's like that country song, "The More I DRink, The More I Drink."

If I were you, I would get the books : Codependent No More. THis book is awesome and will change your life. Also good is The Verbally ABusive Relationship....also a must for you. YOu will get validation for how she has abused you and you will become VERY aware of your abuse to her. Why do this? So you never get into another gig like this again. Aren't you worth it? Yes.

You have got to try AA. They will be your salvation. They aren't a bunch of crazies. I thought that about alanon, but it's not true. I went and it was inspiring. I can't wait to go again.

You can turn from being "needy" to being at peace with YOU. I am still working on it and feel better than I did last week even. Every day, a better day. Can you imagine?

Please try AA.

And if she's addicted to pot, you know what, she's not even going to be able to work on the issues within herself let alone with you. Same with you, if you are not sober AND in recovery, you will not recover. Recovery doesn't just mean stop drinking Erinn, it truly means recovering YOURSELF.

Good luck

It's very hard to deal with this w/o alcohol. I stare at the bottles in my kitchen but i don't touch them. yes, I have thought of some reasons to drink, i always will... but i won't drink. I will search out AA and a councilor to see, I know thats what I need.

Thank you for the post, I am reading and understanding. I will search out the book you recomended. I think that starting another relationship when that person already knows what I become with alcohol will be good. I could use the help.

I know it sounds crapy to think about other people already but I miss the company with someone who wants to be there with me. I was totaly bashed today by the mother in-law, I'm really not that bad of a person.

I am still confused by her, I want to let go but I am not sure if I can. It gets hard to understand when she comes home and wants to be intimate with me and kisses me like nothings wrong. I still love her, typing my thoughts again, like no one has read that in this post yet.

As far as being needy, I don't know how to respond. I can't tell you right now what I want. I know that I am looking at many mistakes in the future that I am gonna regret.

I feel it right now, I am about to go out with a good friend of mine. I don't know if I will pass this test or fail. I called the wife and told her I was going out, she seemed upset.

Does it really matter what she thinks anymore? I am doing this for myself, I know I am wrong. I accept the bad guy possition in this relationship. I just can't keep a level head about all of this, I can't think clearly enough for what I need to do.

I don't see this turning out any good at all, I will tell ya'll how I screwed up in the morning. Yes, I am setting myself up for failure, I know. I just wish she loved me like she did before, thats what I can't handle.

Erinn, first off, don't take that drink. If you think you need a drink, go here: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_find_meeting.cfm?PageID=29. It's their web page that can find answering services.

Second, while it's way to early to be thinking of someone else, it's also perfectly normal to think about it. Just don't act on it. You definitely shouldn't see an old girlfriend. It's also a warning sign that this woman has usually had bad relationships. You, by your own admission, are overly dependent on a relationship. Put the two together and you are asking for more heart ache.

You know what I think? I think this is an opportunity for you to face your fear of being alone. I had to do this. Before I separated and divorced, I had been in relationship after relationship. I either broke up with the good ones or they left me for people who were more mature. The bad ones had to be really bad before I would leave. My separation was a HUGE step for me in growth. I was fine on my own.

One thing I know helped me. I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how nice it would be if only my H would think I was worth the effort to make a few changes. Then, I realized my value wasn't dependent on what my H thought I was worth. Okay, but the BIG realization was when I realized my value wasn't dependent on what anyone, even I, thought about me. I had value even if I didn't believe it. I had value simply because God created me. God, all knowing, all good,all loving, all powerful, had brought me into being. Now, would God have done that if I wasn't highly valuable? No. Therefore, I had a ton of value.

So do you, Erinn. You will be fine. Loneliness is painful, but it doesn't kill. Survive right now. Get up every morning. Eat. Work. Parent your kids. Go to bed, and do it all over again. That's all you need to do. Just survive.

And, don't have sex with your wife. She's having her cake and eating it too. Plus, it's bad for your self-esteem. BTDT myself.

And, don't meet your ex-girlfriend for at least 12 months. If, after 12 months of separation, you want to meet for coffee, it may be okay. Right now, you're in deep pain and she's like morphine--pleasant, but bad news.

Whoa! Erinn, why the self-destruction????

Do you go to church or temple or something? Call your spiritual leader NOW!!!! You are purposely doing things taht will hurt you. You need help. More help than we can really give. We're just not expert enough.

Save yourself. Be good to yourself. YOU DESERVE IT! And being good to yourself means not doing something you know will turn out badly. You aren't 13 any more. You know better. You are better.

You're awesome green! Where were you all my life? I am foolish to think I can do this w/o support.

I have to test myself, I have to do this.

Hey! I'm not talking suicide or murder green, I am hurting and need someone to talk to. I have to be able to go somewhere and not drink, I have to test myself.

Self destruction is not the word I would use to describe me right now. I am supposed to have a meaningful conversation with her tonite when she gets home. She promised to tell me the truth and talk to me for once.

I know if I drink, I won't have that conversation. Thats my test...

Do I drink and give up? or do I stay sober and fight?

I have been a fighter my entire life, I just don't loose, I don't give up, ever. (Not a stalker BTW)

Green, pray for me please, He won't listen to me anymore.

Erinn, let us help you here at the board at least. You have to buy that book Codependent No More from Amazon tonight and there is a double version with her other book Beyond Codependency so you might as well get that.

Some things just hit me about what you are saying here in your posts. THat you're willing to accept the bad guy role in the relationship. That you "have" to do things. That you Have to TEST yourself. That you're seeing other women. This is self abuse...nothing more, nothing less. You are the cause of your own destruction. Pray now for God to give you sanity and to lead you to AA. You could go to an AA meeting tomorrow if you wanted to.

The liquor in your home? Why not throw it out? Isn't it better to send this demon out of your life? Throw it out. Smash the bottles in an abandoned parking lot if you have to!!

Take Control of yourself because right now your life is out of control. That's the 1st step of AA by the way, to admit your life has become totally unmanageable.

God will give you tests, you don't have to create your own, by the way. Believe that.

You don't have to test your will, HE will.

And it's very common to feel God has given up on you. But he hasn't. You've just been in his way. You need to step aside and let Him do the work He needs to do. Surrender. Go to AA. Please. You're only here on earth once man. Is this the way you want your time here to be?

I wish strength and courage to you.

Jen

Erinn, I pray but I do it because the acting of praying makes me a better person. God doesn't need my input. He knows all, sees all, plus is all good and all powerful. Therefore, He knows what's best, is good enough to do what's best, and is powerful enough to accomplish it. However, since he didn't want slaves as creations, he gave us Free Will. God is not going to stop you from making bad mistakes. He's n ot going to save you from the results of doing stupid stuff. He does provide a guidebook, though.

As far as testing yourself.... Christ went into the desert. At the end of fourty days, Satan asked Christ to turn rocks into bread, to throw himself off the cliff, etc. And Christ, God in Man, said "Get thee behind me, Satan." Christ wanted to avoid temptation. We all should. We're human, and sometimes weak and foolish.

Listen to PurpleRain. And get thee to an AA meeting today.


PR, I don't think God tests us so much as sends us "Growth Opportunities". The Lord tames the wind to the unshorn lamb." or something like that.

So here is my story...

I went to a bar, one that I have gone to many times to drink. I was with my friend, who planned on drinking. We actually sat at the bar, there were alot of people in this small bar, crowded.

The bartender came over to us and said "Hey! haven't seen you in a while" and I responded to her that I was doing ok, moving soon.

It was a short conversation, the bar was busy. Then she asked the question "what do you guys want to drink?" My friend ordered a Killians Red (beer) and I asked for a coke. I drank the coke and felt hungry so ordered some bar food, Nachos! He continues to drink and order more beer, I had a second coke. We talked about life and people we know, guy gossip i guess.

I was good for the first test, I could go into a bar and actually sit at a bar without drinking. I felt good about myself so far.

Now an unforseen second test was comming, I wasn't prepared. A woman about my age approached me and my friend at the bar, she was ordering a drink from the bartender. She started talking to me, basic conversation at first but it was more than that as she continued to talk about herself.

My friend whom I was with is about 24 y/o, I was his boss for a long time. The woman who approached us was about my age and she had a friend with her who was 21 y/o. I am sure you can get the picture, all we had to do was follow this woman to her table near the bar and party with some pretty women.

What's my decision here? I had to think of everything in my life, this was not an easy decision to make.

Do I get up from my seat and go with this woman, it seemed like a must to drink with her. before walking to her table she had told me about her x-husband who lives in Florida and this weekend her daughter was visiting him, she was out to party. I would have to drink with her, I was sure that I would recieve companionship with her but knew that drinking was a must.

My friend asked for the bar bill as we were about to get up from the bar. My wife called me several times, I really didn't hear the phone, the band was loud and the bar was packed. My friend went to the bathroom after paying the bill and my wife called him. She asked him if was comming home soon and if I was drinking.

We walked toward the front door, I looked at the table that the woman was at who approached me just a few minutes ago. She was drinking a beer and talking with her friend and she looked at me. I turned my head toward the entrance of the bar and we walked out.

I did well, yes I had second thoughts while I was there, but I didn't drink.

Erinn, you do know you are playing with fire, don't you?

I'll give you this one. It's always nice to have someone think we're attractive. It strokes the ego.

However, this is nuts.

Sometimes hop on over the the After Divorce board and ask the guys over there how they've felt after a one night stand. Some have done it, and they felt awful afterward. It only breifly masks the pain.

Are you still planning on moving to Florida and leaving your kids behind? I have to tell you, if you do, I will lose respect for you. That's actually not a big deal since you don't know me from Adam. But, I also suspect you will lose respect for yourself. And that is a BIG deal.

So, have you found an AA meeting yet?

Oh, and what happened to the meaningful conversation with your wife that was supposed to happen last night? Hmm?

You typed it because you are desperate to save your marriage and you will do just about anything to save it. Just remember you have to be true to yourself and live in a way that is pleasing to God. I know you are in a lot of pain but don't do anything you will regret in the future. You don't want to look back a few months or years from now and say "Why did I do that?" Before you do anything ask yourself "Would I do this if my wife was not leaving me?" That might help.

You said you discounted the shakes because it has been a week. Does that mean you haven't gotten them or you have them now but don't think they are related because it has been a week? How much were you drinking daily before you stopped? As for the lack of sleep; I am sure detoxing is part of it but the stress in your marriage is not helping. Have you tried herbal treatments? DH and I have sleepy time extra tea every night before bed. We make a pot and let it simmer for about a 1/2 hour. It makes about 2 cups each. It helps calm us down from the busy day. If you don't like tea try getting melatonin, valerian root and st. John’s wart. The first 2 are for sleep and calming you down, the 3rd is also calming. Be forewarned though the valerian root stinks so take it as soon as you take it out of the bottle or the smell might get to you. That is why we like sleepy time extra, it has valerian root in it but it doesn't stink.
Hope you are doing better, take care.

NO

No it's not fair to anyone involved. No, you can not offer her anything right now.

Yes you would be headed for disaster. Go to the divorced and dating section here. Just in the few short months I have been coming here I have seen so many people regret dating while still healing. There was even a couple that jumped into another marriage and here they are in trouble again. MB suggests 2 years AFTER divorce before considering dating. I think that is a good idea. Think of it like your drinking; You can think of many excuses to drink but you know in the morning you will regret it.


I would suggest you find a group of people you can connect with. Perhaps a men’s group at your church? Do you have any hobbies that you haven't been able to participate in like fishing or model building? Think back to what you used to enjoy (besides drinking) and start doing that. What ever you do, stay away from the bars! You are too early in your recovery to be tempting fate. My BIL is recovered for almost 9 years. It was a few years before he could be near that environment before he felt confident he could handle it. Even mow he doesn't put himself there unless it is a wedding or something. He surrounds himself with AA people and loved ones that are sensitive to his drinking problem. Now we can have a drink in front of him without hurting his sobriety but we didn’t in the beginning. It wasn’t until HE said it was ok for him to be around alcohol.

Green - as far as the alcohol, i had to test myself, I have been told that I am a disaster for this marriage by the mother in-law. The family that was important to my wife and that I tried to connect with never really liked me. They are happy that my wife is seperating, they act like I am a monster. They don't care about me, they want the best for thier daughter and rightfully so.

It was a test for my mental abbility to overcome what others say I can't. I have drank soooo much these few years to escape what I really don't want to escape, my marriage.

I am going to florida for a few short weeks, I met with my friend last night b/c we were gonna talk about being roomates.

No AA meeting yet, i'm with kids this weekend, I will.