Yes we had the "meaningful" conversation and aired alot of stuff out between each other. The only question I still have that she hasen't answered is "Is this a divorce or a seperation?" She is still showing me love like nothing is wrong. I got her a card and a movie that she wanted today. I haven't givin up on her, but now I am up against her entire family.

Her family won't stop until I am out of the picture. They are mental assasins, i'm serious with that. It's gonna be a long hard road but I haven't given up yet.

I am the one who left the first marriage b/c of the physical abuse, I wouldn't hit her back so she continued with the physical abuse knowing I wouldn't do anything to her. I am not a wimp, I just have certain standards that I live by. I believe thats what makes me a good person to a certain extent.

I have drank the last few years of this marriage, we have been together for 8 years. 2 1/2 of them lost to alcohol. I refuse to be beatin down anymore, I listened to her family enough. I have done this for her but I won't stand by anymore, especially when I am sober, nothing to blame for my anger caused by thier actions.

well... now I will be the "crazy" husband i guess if I fight back.

Suamico - The withdrawls from alcohol have caused me to shake and tremble, slowing down now. I was drinking anywhere from 1 bottle to 2 bottles of wine. I started toward a mix of beer and hard liquer recently, I stopped shortly after that.

What made me stop may surpize you all. I was told by the wife that she wanted me out, we really hit bottom from a big argument about her lies and where she was at (OM's house).

I went out with another friend who has many connections. All i can say is that it was horrible to be drunk and watch these people treat women so badly. I didn't like it, it was degrading. I was in a penthouse with alcohol everywhere, they were doing stupid stuff like licking the alcohol off of them (girls). You may think that it should be a fantisy for men to have (which I would do with someone I loved) but it wasn't. They treated those women like ****** and were very aggresive and mean.

Yeah, i've been to strip clubs, I like girls. Maybe I saw myself in that possition, I don't know but it was wrong.

No, I was not in a possition to stop it, and the women never asked it to stop.

and my point to the above...

I saw myself turning out like those guys, I saw myself doing really stupid things while drinking. I then decided to stop drinking and focus on my marriage and children.

Now it may be too late.

Purplerain - your posts are being read and understood. I haven't responded yet, I appreciate your help. please keep posting.

You're an alcoholic, you just helped ruin a marriage, you're not even legally separated, LET ALONE divorced, you're attracted to a woman you admit has had a SERIES of bad relationships, and you - because you are 'needy' - want to jump into this woman's arms?

I'm sorry for being rude, but Jeez! You're not only messing up two lives, you have to throw in someone else's to mess up? And what happens to your kids? The first thing they will think of when they find out you're with another woman is that THEY weren't good enough for you to stick around, that you are rejecting THEM. I'm serious; that's what kids do. They blame themselves.

Go to church. Go to AA. Go to a therapist - every week, for at least a year - and find out why you run from your problems. Find a volunteer opportunity that will help you like yourself; consider asking your kids to do it with you, great way to enrich their lives, too. Join a group for codependent people, so you'll have support. Work on becoming a better person so that your WIFE will see that you are worth salvaging, and quit giving up and taking the easy way out every time you just don't feel like dealing with issues.

I'm sorry for being rude, but someone has to say it - grow up!

I see that you've made some responsible choices, but the underlying secret remains - you need to fix your own issues before you do anything. The ONLY thing I would be doing right now except what I just suggested for you personally, is to follow the MB principles here as far as making yourself a better husband and father. And you say you need to go to Florida...I really have to question that. One, it will be devastating for your kids. Two, if your family in any way enabled your drinking, you're just asking for trouble. Three, sometimes we have to take a job we don't like, and wait for a better one; I spent over 10 years working in crap jobs while I worked for a better future, and I did it because it paid the bills and was the responsibile thing to do. Just because you can't get a great job you love here where your kids are, doesn't mean you can't look for a job that will allow you to stay here for them. I tell people that, once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more. Until they are grown and on their own, I have to ask you to consider that you need to be there for them. I can provide a whole list of potential problems your kids will have because you left; problems that will shadow them the rest of their lives. Please consider not leaving.

Erinn,

Well, here's how I feel. I see you are drowning. I throw you a lifesaver. You tell me all the reasons why my lifesaver looks nice and all that, but you really don't want it because you'd rather see what drowning is like some more even knowing that it's not working for you; you are human and cannot breathe water. Yet, still, you won't take the lifesaver. You continue to tread water, tired and all, taking in water, seeing the obvious fact that you are surrounded by water and the boat with all the folks trying to say "Hey, take the lifesaver" is leaving...

For what it's even worth, I totally agree with cat that you ought to take a job near your kids. YOu might not love the job, but what's more important? How entitled do you feel to be in love with your job? Do you feel your kids are more entitled to have a dad around? Who comes first?

Alcohol?

The kids?

Who? What?

Go to AA.

Please go to AA.

If you continue to make excuses, and not go to AA, you will drown. It's, as they said in Titanic, "a mathematical certainty."

Best.

P.s.

Go to AA

I am going to post a few times to catch everyone up. First of all, we have separated. I left my 12 y/o child with my first wife and my 3 y/o child with the current wife. I have bgrought my 10 y/o with me to florida. I have been here in florida for 1 month and it has been hell, but more on that later...

I came to florida to find a new start, my drinking is almost at a minimum (1-2 times a week) compared to every night that i used to drink i am doing much better. I am drinking more than i should, i know but i am never drinking alone, it is social.

I have been with my mom for this entire time and she has supported me in this separation. She has been great to me.

I have not found a job here but was offered my old job at the same pay in North carolina. I will take it because I want to be near my kids, they are more important in this case.

I plan on moving back in a few weeks. I will start working and get an appartment before i bring my 10 y/o with me. I have nothing again, everything was left with my wife. Starting over for the 2nd time sucks but i know what to expect.

I am trying very hard to be good support for my children, what you all have said has really affected my thinking. You are right, i need to be around my kids so i am.

Now the real reason I am in this situation...

The week before I left North carolina I was told many things by my wife but she ultimately wanted to separate. I didn't trust her so i hired a Private Investigator for 1 months time.

Meanwhile the first few weeks was like a roller coaster, up and down. She misses me then she doesnt call, then she calls, then she doesn't. The third week was getting worse, she stopped talking to me at night at all, only during the day time while she was at work. Then it all came together when i was contacted by the P.I. on easter night.

She has been dating, seeing, and spending almost every night with the same Man since I left. The same freaking guy she told me about 6 months ago! I was devestated, all this time with her wasted because she was leaving me for him.

After I told her about the P.I. she didn't deny it anymore and told me she was with him and that she is happy. He is always high (with her) or drunk, she is living the party life again. I cried on the phone to her and begged her to come back, I asked her to come back to me and move to florida, she turned me down. She even told me that they already were together and that they are sleeping together, (yeah that helped my emmotions). Thats when I decided to move back to North carolina.

One day I was angry and mean to her on the phone, the next day I was telling her how much I love her and would do anything to get her back. Nothing worked she didn't listen, it got worse when I told her that I was moving back there. She said she is in love with this man, she wants to be with him.

I know at this point that I have to let her new relationship run its course. I came to agreement with her that we are just friends for our 3 y/o but our marriage is over. Crying as I write, I love her...

But I will wait for her, I don't want anyone else. I hurt sooo bad right now. All this time she said it was me but she was with this guy the entire time. I tried to get her to quit her job, she wouldn't, I tried to get her to be open with me, she wouldn't, I tried to get her to be honest with me, she wouldn't... It was all a lie.

Now I am at a point of self destruction, I can't win. I read plan A and plan B over and over and over and did everything I was supposed to do. Now I am giving up on her, 8 years with her. 7 1/2 were great, and in a fraction of her life she decides she wants to be with someone else.

I am really lost right now, I look forward to your responses.

I forgot this part...

April 4th is our anniversary, I already purchased flowers to be sent to her work next tuesday (4 days before the anniversary).

Also, she is coming to florida with our 3 y/o to go to disney for a day and for me to see him. This is going to be hard for me to deal with but i know i just have to concentrate on my 3 y/o. It also sucks that we went on our honeymoon to disney, this may crush me. What if she wants to have sex? what do i say to her while she is here? Man... This is going to hurt.

I will re-post this under "Infidelity and plan B" in the infidelity Plan A / Plan B forum. Please post any responses there.