After reading how to tell your spouse there is a problem one section stood out for me:

"Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing love units so that the other can gain them. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end, you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want."

One of our main sticking points is that he refuses to cut all contact with OW - even though PA is over (he ended the PA at my request). I refused to agree to it continuing as an "open relationship" for a variety of complicated reasons and want all contact with her to end but agreed to limited contact to avoid increased resentment from him. We both made some sacrifice for each other.

How does one negotiate something like this? I'm finding that I am stuck and unable to find some way to get myself to budge.

Hi, daily.

There are some items that are not negotiable. We each have them.

One of my non-negotiables is "Thou shall not murder." If my spouse were to murder someone, I would divorce him. There is no way I'm going to agree to only murdering on the second full moon of the month.

Likewise, I know I wouldn't agree to be married to a man who refused to cut off contact with his affair partner. My personal sanity would be at risk otherwise.

This is going to sound really cold-blooded, but your H has to make a choice. Does he want to be married to you or does he want to date someone else?

If he decides he wants to be married to you, he needs to cut out all contact with the other woman because that is what saving the marriage will require--not just because you want him to. This is not you wanting him to take ballroom dancing lessons with you once a week, or you asking him not to play golf all day Saturday and Sunday. Ending contact with OW is what it will take to get the marriage with you he wants.

Now, if he doesn't want to be married to you, he needs to tell you that.

If he's having a hard time deciding, Plan B may be in order.

The section you quoted is not applicable in regards to cutting off contact with the OP. Dr. Harley is adamant that the WS is to never see or speak to the OP ever again.

DW,

Contact continues the affair. Just does. So the physical contact ending didn't end the A.

With that perspective, how do you view your marriage?

You can POJA a divorce...where you are enthusiastic about ending your marriage of three people...that's not a marriage you want. His choice and your choice...there's no POJA about an A.

I agree with GG...time for a respectful Plan B. He didn't end the PA at your request...he choose to end the PA part and keep the A going...which means he can resume the PA part when he chooses, also.

Are you guys in MC with a counselor who is pro-marriage?

Is the OW married, with a boyfriend? Did you expose to her family and friends? If so, for each contact, did you contact her BH?

LA

That's true. You're going to have to make an ultimatum and be prepared for the answer you don't like. It's that simple. To rephrase what the others have said, you've got three inevitable outcomes.

1) No marriage - where your legally married, but he's maintaining an affair.

2) No marriage - where you get a divorce

3) Marriage - where he cuts it off with the OW

So really, it's not even you providing the ultimatum. It's just a simple matter of fact. You're either married, or your not. He has to choose which it is. It's not you "doing it to him."