Hi all,

My fiancé and I broke up about six months ago.

To give the basic version, it was because he would go to his mother for everything. He’d get off work and call her. They would talk for about two hours and then later on that night, they would talk again for a half hour. Everything you can imagine in a persons life went through her. Decisions we made together, he would discuss with her. And more often then not, she would change his mind. Sometimes not tell me, and proceed to do what she said.

Even things as highly personal as adopting my daughter. He wrote me a poem asking me if he could adopt her. When he told his mother, she convinced him that it was not a good idea so he told me that he wouldn’t.

After the engagement, she then started calling me and interrogating me on if I was able to have children and do I really love her son, it would go on and on and on. He wouldn’t say boo to her. So, I quit taking her phone calls.

Minor problems also became huge problems because of this. I also found out that she controlled ALL of his finances and would only give him an allowance. He had no plans on changing this.

He started saying stuff that men should have final say and should head of household. When previously he did not feel that way, but since getting engaged his mother said this is what marriage is.

He has been emailing me recently. I told him that I wasn’t ready for contact with him because of what went down at the break up. He said many nasty/disrespectful things to me and I wasn’t comfortable acting as if nothing happened. So, we started emailing back and forth our feelings on what happened and after 6 months he finally realizes that these things are serious (as far as his mother making the decisions and him not considering my feelings or the right for me to have input in my life.)

I think that is great, but I am still worried that he hasn’t changed anything about his banking accounts and the time he spends on the phone with her. The time he spends on the phone he could be going back to school as he said he wants too, but doesn’t have time???? And, I cannot imagine jumping back into a relationship with someone that isn’t 100% responsible for themselves.

I feel like there is only so much I can do, I almost feel as if I’m tearing him from his mom and I don’t want to feel that way. I want him to grow up and do it on his own. I feel like I am doing what his mom is doing, convincing him to do it my way and I don’t like that. I want him to be able to stand on his own two feet.

And I am also worried because he has said before that he shouldn’t have told his mom, but goes right back to her and blabs.

Any suggestions?

Whether he likes it or not, he's going to have to make a choice between you and his mother. It's a choice all men eventually have to make. Some make it before they even meet a woman, deciding against their mothers preemptively, but others, like your ex, seem unable to let go. I know: I was one of those men who, although not anywhere nearly as strongly tied to his mother, had to make the choice while in the relationship I ended up getting married in, and it has certainly caused its fair share of trouble for me and the wife.

I'm not sure how your ex is, but I suspect you are right that if you pull him away from his mother when he isn't ready to let go he will be restful towards you. As far as replacing his mother, though, I think many women would describe their husbands as children with bank accounts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What I would recommend (and this is what my wife did that worked) is make it clear to him that if he's going to be in a relationship with you, it needs to be a relationship between the two of you and not you, him, and his mother. His mother can still be a part of your lives, but it has to be more as an observer than as an active participant. You two need to be making the decisions; his mother just gets to share in the results.

Of course, sometimes you might want advice from her (or your mother or another relative or friend), in which case you should try to seek it only when you both agree that it would be a good idea. Then you both go into it with the same mindset of looking for advice. But remember, it's just advice! You two are the ones who have to make the final decisions.

I hope that helps some.

I think the Harleys do premarital counseling.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You aren't getting just him. You are also getting his family.

And I've read that someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but always expecting a different result.

I know this site is called Marriage BUILDERS, but since you two are not married, I will tell you what I would say if you and I were good friends ... RUN FAR AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE I DRAG YOU AWAY!!! Seriously, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you get back together with this guy, do it with eyes wide open that you will have MIL problems probably until the day that woman dies. And even after that you will probably be dealing with the aftermath of this guy's twisted dependency. He is damaged goods at this point. Don't make your life harder than it has to be. How's that for a suggestion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, but we also talk of love in terms of insanity. "I'm crazy for you." In many ways, love is insanity. That's why it's so hard to get or hear good advice about it, because it's not a rational process.

A good friend of mine explained it this way in an email:

Indeed, people can change. They don't do it often. But they can. It's not a safe bet that they will. But loving someone requires faith in slim chances. If you don't have that faith, or can't seem to conjure it given what you've observed and experienced, then don't put any more stock in this guy. From a rational standpoint, you have no reason to trust him. The question is, are you crazy for him? Is it worth giving him another shot?

I definitely wouldn't set a date for a wedding before he meets certain conditions, such as establishing control over his own finances and limiting his communication with his mother. But, like you say, you don't want him to do that just because you want him to. So generalize it, tell him in as loving a way as you can that he can never truly marry any woman as long as he remains married to his mother. And that's really what it is. The kind of relationship you're describing between him and his mom is the kind of relationship you two should be having. But it's not about you specifically; he has to decide if he ever wants a woman in his life other than his mother, because he won't at the rate he's going.

Please consider finding someone else. If I were you, the only way I would ever take him back would be AFTER he had gone through at least a good two years' of counseling to get over his need to earn her approval. It is dangerous business, psychologically speaking. Spills over into everything else about him. It is the core foundation of who he is - to gain his mother's love. I urge you to consider not taking him back without serious work on his side.