If you look at my ongoing thread, you will see that my son wrote a letter to WS. Well, she called both me and him this evening while we were out. To me, she just said "call me". To him, she said she was surprised and a little upset by what he wrote, and that she wants to meet with him to talk about it.

Needless to say, he's scared and worried.......he thinks that he's going to look like an idiot, because he's said a lot of things that are untrue. I've told him that he has nothing to fear, he spoke the truth, and that she's going to try and make him feel like he's completely wrong, that she doesn't love me, yadayadayada....I told him that he has the strength and power of honesty and conviction on his side..

I need to call her back tomorrow, and he needs to call her back as well. My question is, how do I deal with her, because I know she's going to be demanding to know what's gone on, why is it he has written this now? That sort of thing.


What sort of advice can you give me on how to handle this call. I'm thinking that I'll deny knowledge of the letter, that it was his idea (which it was, I just knew about it before hand, and that all the content is his...which it is) I'm thinking that so I can avoid the accusations that I put him up to it.

Any suggestions on how to prepare him for meeting her? He's petrified now, he thinks he's going to be waterboarded! I've told him he has nothing to be afraid of, but how else can I prepare him?

Suggestions, Please....

Ron

Set up a joint session with the school counselor so that he feels he has someone there as a neutral party to keep her from gaslighting him. She may only "confront" him if he feels safe - and since he doesn't feel safe, don't force him to meet with her. Lay down conditions so that he knows he is protected.

In fact, have that neutral third party call her and schedule the appointment - not him.

I agree with KA, she should not have the opportunity to lie to and gaslight him.

But you should not lie to her, either. Tell her, calmly, exactly what happened. Tell her when he came to you after her call because he was afraid he had accused her of something she had not done, you confirmed that what he had written was true. Tell her you raised a smart boy and he knows as well as you do that your M was a happy one (albeit with normal problems that can be solved) before a third party entered it. She will freak, but just calmly tell her that your son has the right to know what is happening in his life. These are her choices, after all. This is his ex-boss, which makes it even more twisted, yanno! Poor kid. Don't let her have at him.

I like the idea of the 3rd party......that's a great idea! I'll mention it to him, and see what he thinks....

Res, thanks as well...I told him that she's upset because he has "outed"her......the worst thing for a WS to have happen.....and that she'll try and blow the fog in his face....

He's really despondant over this whole thing..... what a beeeatch!

Another question, when I'm speaking with her, how do I convey my feelings and his (which will definitely come up) without committing any LB's? I'm sure the issue of the affair, lies or ommissions will come up......that her actions have hurt everyone ehs loves........that sort of thing.....

I really want to hit her in the face with a figurative 2x4, but really, how do i do that and still maintain the Plan A/B philosophy?

My son was 6 around d/d. Around 4 months after d/d and while both my son and I were having nightmares each night.....the weird kind that would replay the same nightmare and add a few scenes..... my son took it upon himself to write his dad a letter. It consisted of 2 sentences and 2 questions.

It was the most powerpacked letter I have ever seen written by anyone.

My son said he had something to say to his dad. I encouraged him to call his dad. Son & I would have regular discussions suited for his age. He was encouraged to keep contact with his dad but as a WS, the WS was not consistent therefore both son & I knew his dad was not being a good dad. IMHO, WS' are NEVER good parents.

So one night, my son said he had something to tell his dad. I asked if he wanted me to call his dad and let him say his peace. Son replied, 'no, it's too embarrassing'. Because he was 6, I asked him if he could explain what he meant. Come to find out, he was not embarrassed, he was to upset to talk to his dad and figured his dad would not understand, so he thought it best to write a letter. I remember he sat in the living room when he made that request. I was at the dining room table. I got him paper and pencil and he wrote it until he got to the word 'divorce'. He asked me how to spell it. Then he came into the dining room and showed me his completed letter.

Wow.... out of the mouth of babes. It didn't end the A but it did make a huge impact.

It left the WS feeling very guilty and OW scrambling to restore her status as the only thing of value in the WS' life. After that the A continued for 2 years but the OW never regained the same status. Not completely. When the Xws came back, he brought the letter with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We still have it.

So let your son write what he wants. Don't expect the WS to appreciate or understand it. Let your son know this.

Reassure your child of your love and support. That YOU will NEVER abandon him. Encourage him to say whatever he needs to say or write to help him move forward.

Find a good IC for your child. It may help. I notified the school and day care. I kept them abreast of the situation so they could help keep a watchful eye on my son while he was in their care. They were part of my support group also.

Hope this helps.
L.

Your S doesn't have to meet with her if he doesn't want to. Nor do you have to call her if YOU don't want to.

Don't lie to her if you do talk to her though. You've done nothing wrong, why act like you have? She's likely to try to manipulate this as something you engineered, just don't take the bait. Tell her the truth, the short version.

I like the idea of a 3rd party present for your son if he wishes. Really, this is about him and his feelings about her and her actions. Stay out of the middle as much as you can, all you are in this instance is a target for her anger and a distraction. Lay real low is what I would suggest.

I think the third person is a good idea too.

He could also ask her to reply to his letter w/ a letter. He could tell her that he'd rather communicate about his thoughts and feelings using letters b/c it gives him time to think through what he wants to say, and gives him time to reflect upon what she's said.

W/ regards to what she wants to say to you about this, I think I'd simply tell her that this is between your son and her.

~ Marsh

Orchid, thank you for reading and posting.. just for curiosity's sake, what did your son say in the letter?

Tyk and Marsh....thanks also. I got an email at work from her, she was asking me to call and speak with her about some important things. "I'll be at my desk beween 2 and 3:30" can you call me please. I called at 3:25. She told me James sent her a letter, I feigned surprise..."really? What was it about?" Anyway, I'm not interested in talking with her about it (or anything else realy), and I don't want to take the wind out of my son's sails, if he does decide to speak with her. He will, but he's bound to be disappointed. He wants the letter to work magic right away, I've told him it won't happen, not that quickly, anyway....

One interesting thing, our sitter keeps telling me that WS appears un-naturally bubbly...smiling, cheery..she says it looks like she's overcompensating, trying to mask something... I agree. When she left her message to son, she sounded very cheerful, but it was definitely artificial. Very contrived.

And Marsh, I agree with you on the "it's between her and son". Completely

Oh, how the stomach churns

Ron

Ron,

I don't know if I have ever posted to you. I am weening myself from this site slowly after so many years. I have been following your thread and I found your son's letter mature beyond his years. You should be proud of him.

My advice to YOU is that this is an OPPORTUNITY that a Dad only gets a few times in his life if ever. You need to sit down with your son and have a talk with him. A talk about life.

If I were running your life, which I am not, I would recommend something like the following:

1. Son I am very proud of you for speaking your thoughts in that letter. I know it was hard for you to do but I thought you handled it very well.

2. Son now comes the hard part. When you speak up as you have done, you need to be willing to back it up and that is face those that would rather not hear what you have to say. You don't have to defend yourself, you simply have to listen to them and either agree or disagree with their points. You have stated your feelings and they are YOURS, they require no defense son, simply ownership. Own them, listen to other and determine if they have valid points. Consider the valid points, recognize those points and tell the person making them that you will consider them after your discussion with them. The invalid points you acknowledge but don't recognize nor promise to consider them.

3. You will very likely be afraid of the wrath of the person who is calling you out about your feelings. Fear is normal, you face it KNOWING you really are not in danger. When one is afraid they tend to defend, in this case you don't have to defend, you simply have to listen. You don't have to agree nor are you required to disagree. Listen, listen carefully, ask questions if you are confused, listen to the answers. when the other person is done, tell them when you calm down you will consider what they have said. Face your fear and you will grow to be a strong man.

4. Son I am proud of you.

Leave it at that. You have an opportunity to teach him how to stand up for himself, face his fears (we all have them), and to acknowledge and listen without feeling the need to agree. Teach that young man these things and he will have learned a valuable lesson.

I like the idea of a third person as well, but even if he has to do it one on one, he should after you have prepared him to face his fear. You don't need to prepare him as to what to say, he has said it in his letter. Make sure he KNOWS he does not have to defend his feelings. They are his. However, he should be open to new data, that modify those feelings either way.

Ron, you have a fine young man on your hands and he is in a very tough spot, he loves you and I am sure he loves his mother. He does not want to see either of you hurt, but she has offended his sense of right and wrong and he is hurt by that. He stated it eloquently.

Please take this opportunity to show your son what it takes to be a man and face his fear. You may never get the chance again.

God Bless,

JL

Orchid: My son wrote (I'm doing this from memory so it may not be the exact words):

Dear dad,

Why did you leave us? Why do you want to divorce mom?

I want you to come home. I miss you.

Love,
Son

I remember the longest word he wrote was divorce and it was that word he asked me to help him spell. So with his limited writing ability, he used the simplest words to convey the strongest message. Remember he was only 6 (1st grade) at the time.

Hope it helps.
L.

Oh my God......that would have killed me if it were addressed to me... Thanks for sharing that.

My WS sent me a letter today, when I picked up Steph. It's abut 11 pages long, single spaced..

I haven't read it yet, but I skipped to the end, and saw she wrote about the letter. Basically, she was denying any affair, OM is just a friend like any of the others, and that son is really hurt and needs help. The rest, I'll read later.

She signed it, "your friend"........now, i don't know about the rest of you, but that is the biggest insult of all....'your friend'...throw a 50lb bag of salt into those wounds why dontcha!

Anyway, I'll update with the rest of the letter and anyhing else...........

i really wish I could stop thinking about this!