WH's affair lasted 4 1/2 years before I woke up and discovered. DD July 2007 (day before our 7th anniversary). I exposed to everyone I could think of. OW husband was in denial until I kept giving him proof (emails, voice mails). WH promised NC and yet witin two hours he had sent her another email. I exposed to OW husband again and put pressure on - NC means NC. WH never would write NC letter. Kept taking up for OW; lying to OWH when OWH would call. Kept trying to tell OWH I was "crazy". WH promised NC second time.
NC held up for maybe) for 2-3 months and then WH contacted her again and they picked up where they left off (phone calls, lunches, emails). They both claim "just friends", only had sex twice etc., but all the content in old emails makes me know otherwise (I mean 4 1/2 years ....come on). Feeling like contact was still happening, I placed recorders in various locations where I knew he would call her from and got him on tape. Confronted WH and he admitted it. Exposed recorded conversation to OW husband, OW of course denied it was her, finally after weeks of pressure from me, she admitted to her husband it was her. Then she wanted a phone conversation with all four of us on the line, and after a 15-minute, pls-don't-interrupt-me self-serving statement, indicated she would not have anymore contact with my husband (which she has promised before). WH has now promised 3rd NC in Dec 2007.
Here's the problem - I just don't trust him. It drives me crazy. I spend hours each day looking, and hoping I don't find anything else. How long should I continue looking for further contact, reviewing email accounts, reviewing cell phone bills. He is smart enough that if contact continues, it will now be very difficult for me to find. Meanwhile, I am GOING CRAZY. I've read all the books (SAA, HNHN), we've gone to MB seminar. He won't commit to setting aside time each week for "us", I don't think he is being honest, refuses to be transparent, etc. I absolutely try my best to stop all LB and implement Plan A. It is just so hard. I am so hurt. I just don't seem to be able to let it go, stop looking, and I think I am driving myself crazy. How can I calm down, implement Plan A, and be the wife I should be???? I need your help, please, as I am totally lost. I know I won't trust him for years, if ever again, but I do want to save my marriage. He says he never intended to leave me for her, just needed a friend, someone to talk to, etc (the fog). When I look, I always find something else (old) that hurts so bad like the ILY emails, emails where they are "sad their lives are so restricted" and where he is so sorry "she can't be a part of his successes" (in OUR business). HELP me figure out how to stop angry outbursts, stop "searching", stop LB so I can save my marriage. Anytime I try to talk to him about anything other than business, we just end up arguing and yelling. I am so sad.
He just wishes it was all "behind him" and that I'd never ask anything or talk about it again. If I could just act like things between us were "perfect", we might have a chance, but my heart is breaking.
BS - me - 54 (our second marriage each)
WH - 59
His Kids - 19D, 22S (both in college)
My Kids - 19S (college), 17 senior in HS and the only one living at home.
