I love her so much. I really believe she is the love of my life. I love her with all of my heart, despite what she's done to me.

How on Earth do I tell her that I'll never forgive her, no matter how much I'd like to? How do I tell her that I'll never trust her again? How do I ever get over what I saw on d-day?

I'm truly heartbroken, as are many of you. I can't forgive or trust my darling wife. The injury was just too much, even though she has been a good wife since d-day.

I don't want to look at her like I do now. I don't want to feel like a broken and hollow shell of a man, like I do now. I don't want to struggle to make it through every day, merely surviving and waiting to die someday. I don't want to be angry or sad all the time. This is eating me alive.

I just want to be normal again. God, I'd give anything to be happy for one day.

I'd give the requisite answer that you just sit her down and tell her, but I don't know how that will solve what's happening inside of you. It would at least make her aware of your pain, and give her the chance to comfort you. This has the possibility of bringing you closer, becoming more intimate.

What you saw on dday is most devastating. I did not have that experience, but would have to believe that you may never fully get over this, because it's visible in your mind. That doesn't mean that you can't live with it, of course. We all have to decide this for ourselves, what we can live with, what we can get past.
(((KRAZY)))

Tough time...roughly 6 months into recovery, it appears. The 6 month anniversaries are normally intense, for no known reason, but it comes to light fairly often in these threads.

This too, shall pass.

Stay positive, and have faith. Put your energy in positive strides towards full recovery, and that's where you will find yourself in a couple of years.

Krazy,

My heart goes out to you brother!

My only thought besides "grinning and bearing it".."and waiting to die someday" (OOOFDAH!)

is to get some individual counseling or marriage counseling, if you are not doing that now.

IC to help you deal with and maybe work this out in your head somehow, and MC to get a dialog going to where this can then come out in a safe and controlled setting.

Most Waywards have NO FREAKIN IDEA the life changing trauma their betrayal has done to us.

I know how GUT WRENCHING it is to have the imagined movies and pictures in my head. To have the actual image of them burned into your memory cells must be almost too much to bear.

I can only say that as time goes on the acute pain recedes to a dull throb.

Stay strong and positive looking forward to the future, rather than backwards to the past.

(how's that for some corny $h*t?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Happy V-day.

kirk

Krazy, wow, I have never posted to you before, I don't think, but the pain in that post just broke my heart all over again.

I have read from many here, and experienced with my own BS from six months out until the day I came here, that agony and anger and despair. I am so sorry...from a former wayward, I truly am sorry. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. Your sitch is one of the toughest ones here, and no matter what happens you are a hero for even trying to work things out.

I hope that you can hang in there a little while longer and see what the next couple months may bring. Will she come here or embrace MB principles? I know that anger did not subside in my BH until I realized just how horribly what I had done had affected him...after I came here.

My heart goes out to you, Krazy. I hope you can find some peace no matter what you decide. But now isn't a time of decisions...not while you are in so much pain. Try to hold on a little longer...see if she will help you.


(((((((((KRAZY)))))))))

Krazy,

Sending prayers out your way RIGHT NOW.

{{{{{Krazy}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Krazy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The pain inside is awful. And what you are going through is an added burden that I can't even imagine how hurtful and hard it must be.

We will walk through this with you if you need us to.

You will be added to my prayers and I'm sure lots others.

This is the hardest thing we do in life, at least at the time we think so. But you aren't alone.

Krazy71,

The sadness and desperation in your post are overwhelming. It’s obvious to any reader that this betrayal is truly eating you up from the inside out. Q is, how do you break the cycle?

It would seem, (and I don’t know) that whatever you have been doing or not doing for the last year and half, is not really working for you or your W. So, it would seem the prudent thing to do is to launch out in a new direction. One that will produce soom good results and the feeling of happiness you desperately seek.

If I could ask, what has your FWW’s reaction been to all of this? Has she expressed Godly sorrow and repentance for what she has done, or does she expect you and her to sweep this under the rug and carry on as if nothing has happened.

I guess I’m cloudy as to what has been tried up until this point?

Your particular sitch is rather unique and only adds to the devastation and ability to get beyond this. I doo wish you well, but can’t really comment unless you share what your FWW’s efforts have been regarding this. Missing all the puzzle pieces sort of speak.

Don’t despair.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Krazy,

Why do you feel you can never forgive her? As devastating as it was, if you continue to bear a grudge against her, it will eat at you forever and prevent you from moving on. IMO, part of loving someone is being able to forgive their transgressions. Not necessarily to forget them, they have consequences, and to realize that there s more than enough responsibility to go around for the circumstances. Yes, the A was a terrible, insensitive thing to do, and it was caused by activities by all 3 of you (you, WS, OM). Have you forgiven yourself for your part in it? If not, that might be a good starting point. And, as others have pointed out, IC might be a good idea for you. I'm giving you my gut feeling, and I'm just a guy trying to get a marriage back, not a professional.

Dude,

Hope you are feeling better today.

Of all the holidays, Valentines Day is one of the hardest to get through for a BS.

kirk

The affair was caused by a choice the WS made, and the BS is NOT responsible for the affair. That is owned entirely by the WS.

The BS MAY have helped create an environment where an affair might be possible, but the BS is not RESPONSIBLE for owning ANY part of the affair.

You phrased it better than I did. What you said is what I wanted to convey. The BS has to accept responsibility for creating the environment, not for choosing to have an affair.

Krazy - I am so sorry you are in such pain. It's an awful place to be and it really comes through in your posts.

Though I don't blame you at all for your rage - and there are many men who would have done far worse than you did had they walked in on such as scene - you do know, don't you, that all that anger and rage does serve a purpose.

It serves as a massive wall to keep her at a safe distance, so that she cannot ever get close enough to plunge a spear in your back so hard and so far that it's sticking out the front of your chest and all you can do is stand there and look down at it.

I'm sure that's how you feel. I've been there a long time myself, and Rage is an old friend of mine.

Rage is painful and ugly, but as long as it's there it will protect me from The One Who Hurts Me.

At this point, I'm not saying "just let go of your anger." It hasn't been all that long - not for something like that.

Right now I'm just saying, Recognize that keeping the anger and the rage is very much a means of self-defense and self-protection. Just stand back and watch it for a while and see how you feel about that.

In the meantime - just to ease your own suffering - you might want to Google up some info on EMDR therapy. It's been used with good success on PTSD victims. And you do know that you've got every symptom of PTSD, right?

It's a drug-free means of treatment. And it's not to force you to feel okay about what she did - it's just ease your own pain a bit. I'm looking into it myself.

Please keep posting. I sympathize. A lot of here do.
Mulan

BUMP for Krazy.

So how goes it?

You are not a drive by poster are you?

lol krust!

I was just thinking the same thing!!!

Krazy!!!! What's up?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sorry...I've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to post. I don't want to be a drive-by poster.

I feel better now than when I posted this topic...I don't know why, but I felt so hopeless for a few days. Nothing really set me off...it makes me feel like a crazy person...or a Krazy person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I should look into some meds, I suppose. Those negative feelings are always there in the background.

What you are experiencing is the infidelity emotional roller coaster. You will feel "OK" (relatively speaking) for a little while, then wham! You crash. All that you have described seems a "normal" reaction to an insane situation.

Those negative feelings WILL be there in the background for a long time. You can't get around this, you have to go THROUGH it. Sorry.

It is good to come here and post your feelings, vent what you need to. It will help get those emotions out and where you can see and deal with them.

Krazy,


Don't be so hard on yourself. All of us have those negative feelings in the background. I would imagine yours are amplified by 10 because of your situation. You are a giant among men, Krazy. The fact you are even here proves that. No one here will ever judge you. I know first hand exactly what you're going through. Not in my current situation, but with a girlfriend before I was married. Come here to vent when you need to. Getting some meds might be a good idea to help with your emotional state. Hang in there!

Want2Stay