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Just entered plan B after plan A failed...he reconnected with affair partner. He works with her. Is it hopeless? I feel like he has died. I have two young boys. Everyone knows about the affair, everyone has given him crap. Everyone being all friends and family but not work.
We worked for 6 months on plan A but he was contacting her for the last six weeks and of course lying to me.
Does plan B actually work? When we last met at a therapist office he gave me a letter saying he wanted to work on marriage but was afraid he wouldn't be able to do it since he failed once. He gave me a letter he wrote to affair partner saying he is ending it but then says he isn't ready to give it to her.
I told him we need to seperate until he ends it and has a plan to follow. I have not spoken to him since.
He has contacted my intermediary and was surprised to learn that I want him to tell the boys. He still doesn't know if he wants us or her and is staying at a friends house. I did give him the standard letter at our last meeting....I want to work on our marriage but can't until you break it off with OW.
I even called OW, she is divorcing her husband, has two kids and acts all innocent. Even though she has been pursuing him at work the entire 6 months.
Job situation is hard, probably would have to leave the area for a new job.
Very depressed....I can't believe he betrayed me twice!
Kelly
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Did you talk to OWH? Does he know about the reconnect?
LA
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He has contacted my intermediary and was surprised to learn that I want him to tell the boys. He still doesn't know if he wants us or her and is staying at a friends house. I did give him the standard letter at our last meeting....I want to work on our marriage but can't until you break it off with OW.
I even called OW, she is divorcing her husband, has two kids and acts all innocent. Even though she has been pursuing him at work the entire 6 months.
Job situation is hard, probably would have to leave the area for a new job. KAG, has the affair been exposed at work? Has it been exposed to the OWH? To her parents? To his parents? If so, who exposed and what was said? Your boys should be told BY YOU so they get the truth and not a pack of lies. Have you read Surviving an Affair? he reconnected with affair partner. He works with her. Is it hopeless? Yes, as you can see, this is impossible as long as they still work together. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to sober up while he still drinking, but calling them "work" drinks. It won't ever happen. But you already know that. sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not yet, have been planning on it. Not sure he cares about reconnect.
OT where do I learn acronyms?
Kelly
[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
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Not yet, have been planning on it. Not sure he cares about reconnect. How do you know this information? Have you personally spoken to him before? acronyms: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3351354
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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KAG, has the affair been exposed at work? Has it been exposed to the OWH? To her parents? To his parents? If so, who exposed and what was said?
I will be calling the OWH but they are in divorce proceedings so would he care? His parents do you mean my H? if so yes and they are ready to kill him.
Your boys should be told BY YOU so they get the truth and not a pack of lies.
Felt like the reality of his decisions will hit him square in the head by telling his boys. He is in la-la land. Thinks I am sitting over here waiting for him to choose me and can waltz back in without making any changes...like his job.
Have you read Surviving an Affair? Yes read them all
[Yes, as you can see, this is impossible as long as they still work together. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to sober up while he still drinking, but calling them "work" drinks. It won't ever happen. But you already know that.
I begged him to do something about the job....at least get off the same floor. He thought he could control himself. Well she just kept coming after him and obviously he has no self control.
Am I allowed to really hate him right now?
Kelly
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How do you know this information? Have you personally spoken to him before?
I will call him this weekend. Will he talk to me? After all it was MY H that caused his divorce...
Kelly
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I will be calling the OWH but they are in divorce proceedings so would he care? His parents do you mean my H? if so yes and they are ready to kill him. But you won't know the truth about the OW's situation unless you speak to the OWH. You may also have information he needs. Felt like the reality of his decisions will hit him square in the head by telling his boys. He is in la-la land. This is not the time or place to try to subject him to reality testing. Your kids need truthful information from a sane, honest person, YOU. Thinks I am sitting over here waiting for him to choose me and can waltz back in without making any changes...like his job. Have you given him a proper Plan B letter so he knows the conditions of his return? That is extremely important with a fogged out WS. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Yes read them all Good! I begged him to do something about the job....at least get off the same floor. He thought he could control himself. Well she just kept coming after him and obviously he has no self control. Exactly. And that is the reason he has to change jobs. Am I allowed to really hate him right now? YES. You just can't act on it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do you know this information? Have you personally spoken to him before?
I will call him this weekend. Will he talk to me? After all it was MY H that caused his divorce...
Kelly You are a victim just like him; he should be your ally. Kelly, when you say you did a Plan A, can you describe to me what you did? Did you stop lovebusters? Did you show him you would be willing to meet his needs?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kelly, how do you know about the OWH and what is happening in their marriage? Who told you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kelly, how do you know about the OWH and what is happening in their marriage? Who told you? The OW told me when I called her. Kelly
[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
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You are a victim just like him; he should be your ally. Kelly, when you say you did a Plan A, can you describe to me what you did? Did you stop lovebusters? Did you show him you would be willing to meet his needs? [/quote]
We actually used Steve Harley for 3 months then H refused to continue and wanted to switch to another MC. We bounced from MC to MC. The shocker was things were getting better! He even said "you have been great, your beautiful, funny, smart. I have been a jerk. I don't know why I am doing this."
He doesn't believe in the addiction theory.
Kelly
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Kelly, how do you know about the OWH and what is happening in their marriage? Who told you? The OW told me when I called her. Kelly A liar. And someone who does not want you to interfere with her affair with your H. How best to do that? Tell you she is getting divorced so you won't call her husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We actually used Steve Harley for 3 months then H refused to continue and wanted to switch to another MC. We bounced from MC to MC. Steve is anathema to the committed wayward. Those that are not committed to ending their affairs find him quite [/i]TROUBLING. [/i]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you want to hear how I would handle this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you want to hear how I would handle this? Yes! Although I do feel a little like in limbo. He isn't with her and he isn't with me. He is trying to make up his mind. I implemented B because he broke the NC big time! He fessed up and is trying to decide what to do. I haven't seen or talked to him since. Kelly
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MelodyLane,
Yes how would you handle it?
K
[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
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Kag, first off, I would accept that this will never be over until he leaves that job. You can see for yourself that this will not change until that happens. Even so, there are no guarantees. But I think the most hope comes from doing a very DARK Plan B but also giving him a PATH BACK. In my opinion, here is your BEST STRATEGY to kill this affair and protect you from the fallout. The first thing I would do is write him a proper PLAN B LETTER. This letter is essential becuase the mind of WS is fogged out and mixed up. Waywards report that they read those letters over and over again. A good plan B letter tells him how hurt you are, that you love him, that you are ending all contact with him and the conditions he must meet in order for you consider reconciliation. You lay out 2-3 KEY conditions that he must meet. In your case it will be: a) LEAVE THE JOB and b) end all contact with OW. A good sample letter can be found here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897I would send a copy of this to the OW with a note on it patterned after Greg's similar note in Surviving an Affair. That would be my first move. The next move will be a good, proper exposure. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they thrive on secrecy. But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. You will have to make up the list, but I see 3 good opportunities here, the OWH, Human Resources at their worplace, and HER parents. Add any other KEY ppl you can think of. Expose the affair to the people on your list on the SAME DAY to effect the maximum impact. It should hit them like a tsunami. They will not be able to recover from such a hit. It may not kill the affair immediately, but it will absolutely RUIN the fantasy with so many staring at them with disgust on their face. I would start by sending a letter to the Director of Human Resources [sample here: ]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=0&fpart=2]On your letter, cc their bosses and a KEY Vice President in the company. It is important they all are informed and each knows about the other so no one is tempted to throw the letter away. That is the STRATEGY that I would take if I were you. Plan for the Plan B letter to hit him FIRST. Then a couple of days later, launch your exposure nuke. Since you are in Plan B, he won't be able to lovebust YOU, he and the OW will have to deal with the fallout ALL ON THEIR OWN. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Also, before you do any of this, tell your children about the affair so your H does not have a chance to spin them. How old are they?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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AWESOME advice ML!!!!
Listen up k, this gal knows her mb stuff!
Best wishes,
Love in Christ,
Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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p.s. when you do these exposures via phone call, we can help you with talking points on what to say and how best to get their help.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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