I have been to MB before, but I am here again. I remarried 3 years ago to a wonderful woman. We have a two year old baby girl and 5 other children between us. Our relationship has been wonderful and she and I both know we were meant to be together. The problem recently has been withdrawl. I have been self-employed in the construction field. Made some good money, signed some big contracts, unfortunately due to the recent downturn these contracts will more than likely not work out. The problem has been a continual withdrawl from me over the last 6 months, even before the financial problems. She has had to return to work while I take care of our daughter and look for a job. I know this has been hard for her as our plans have always been for her to be home with our daughter. However, prior to going to work she stayed at home and wasnt happy then either. Just recently she has been having some physical problems and the doctors have narrowed it down to a possible pituatary tumor. She has been tired all of the time, uninterested in sex. She told me that this is why she doesnt feel good and kind of withdraws. Heres the rub though. This withdrawl is only with ME. She makes time to workout, clean, spend with our daughter, her children. I am last on the totem pole. I get the scraps. I told her last night after discussing her physical condition that I noticed that I am the only one who receives the anger, complaining and scraps left of her time. I have been supportive, I clean, watch our daughter, make money on the side, drive her to work, come home, search for a job, go get her sometimes from work. I am crazy busy. I have talked about Dr. Harleys articles and she seemed interested. Heres the biggest problem I have. Its all talk. I want to work on this, I love you, I want to pray with you, I want to spend 15 hours a week with you, etc. However the problem is its all talk. No action. I am last. Period. Time for workouts, time for the kids, time to shop. I feel at times she is trying to convice herself that she loves me with what she says and writes. During the day we email as if we are newley weds, but the moment she hits the door its cold and off to other things. She has stated that she has never had a man, including her first husband who wanted to be as intimate as I am. I havent slept in our bed in two years. Her and the baby. She says she wants to change this, but does nothing TO change it. She is so far away. I feel as if she is hiding something. BTW her first marriage to a physical abuser ended with her affair. It was a one night stand. She said she did it so he wouldnt want her and she could leave. She is a beautiful wonderful woman who seems so hopeless. What are the signs of a possible emotional affair, etc>?

Hi What,

When you were here last time, what were the most important things you learned?

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? Do you apply the POJA in your life?

Back in 2001; previous marriage that ended in divorce. That marriage is history...I am healed from it completely. We have read them and talked about them, but she seems so disinterested in applying them. I just got an email about how wonderful the morning has gone. I know she is trying, but I fully expect it to turn to crap when she gets home. It almost always does. I just feel deep down inside that she is not telling me something. Like last night, when I mentioned the fact that the withdrawl is only towards me, no one else, she just got real quite, like okay he caught that. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to realize the issue seems to be withdrawl from me. When I started my constrution and development company our dreams were big and moving forward, then the bottom dropped out. We have a blended family and she has mentioned on many occasions "If I had only known...I would have chosen differrently". I'm a pretty smart guy and she says that she doesnt mean it that way, but come on, how else is one to take that statement. It is starting to anger me.

You didn't really answer my question. What were the things you learned from the last time you were here with respect to the MB principles and how have they been applied in this marriage.

How did you meet your W?

I learned about many things. Loverbusters, POJA, etc. For the most part our marriage has been smooth. We talked things through, had our own POJA, have a good marriage. I have worked to fill my wife's love bank, but honestly thats all I have been doing...filling hers. She even made the comment that I am too good for her. She wishes I had met someone else because I am such a good husband, father (my step kids call me dad; there dad pretty much ditched them). I dont get it. I was always like this. I learned alot about myself in losing my first marriage. Its almost as if women THINK they want a good man, but really want a bad one. My wife and I partied a little upon meeting (she interviewed with my company - I did the interview and we hit it off) and she saw a little of my naughty side and we fell in love. She loved it, but since I have settled into our marriage and changed some things she asked me to work on. I guess the synopsis is that I am the only one doing and work on the marriage or any of the changing. When we discuss what we need to do, I work on it and she says she is TRYING to work on it. Some of these problems have been going on for years. Dont get it.

What,

Have you searched around to see if she is having an EA/PA?

What is her relationship like with her father?

Very good. He is a wonderful, godly man. He has really stepped up and helped us. She just seems so discontent no matter how good or bad things are. She has always wanted the finer things in life and I was positioned to provide them. We did go to a counselor to help us with our blended family. This is one area we struggle with (kids) but we have made progress. The issue is that everytime its time for my children to come over she gets depressed, etc. She has stated that she is jealous of the time I spend with them (4 days a month) at our home. Our counselor asked her if she thought of herself as high maintenance. She off course took offense, but in reality she is. I told her jokingly that she is the worst kind that she "is high maintenance, but thinks she isnt". I feel everything slipping. I have put together our few nights out and they have gone okay, but I feel she is elsewhere mentally. she seems so focused on everything BUT our relationship. Thats what bothers me. She has even mentioned that she has been hit on at work and while getting lunch during work. I appreciate the honesty, but what are you really trying to say. I am frustrated to say the least. Everything comes back to what we dont have, cant do, etc. Even when we did have good money, it didnt seem to be enough. Mercedes, nails and pedicures, 200 hair stylists; I feel like I am no longer the sugar daddy. No matter what I say, she still says she loves me and I am the best thing to ever happen to her and her kids. I feel more like a roomate to be honest. You know the good guy, the platonic friend. I believe in action, not words. For so long in alcohol and drugs I really learned you are what you do not what you say you are. Does this make sense or am I rambling. I am on the phone with her as I type. It is so right while on the phone, but the moment she comes home it changes....back to friendship. She often accuses me of wanting to leave, that I am going to get a girlfriend....its almost as if she WANTS me to leave. She comes from a very legalistic religious background and I think she struggles with leaving because she doesnt want to end another marriage. Its almost like she is pushing me so that I will end it. Does that make sense?

I was just curious. From what you described, it sounded like she might have had an absent father or one she felt she needed to compete for. Did she go through individual counseling at any time, or has her only counseling been as it pertains to the marriage?

And yes, it makes sense that you might feel that she is pushing you to end it, because that is what she did in her first marriage. I'm not saying that is what she is actually doing... but I understand why you would be inclined to think that.

Can you afford to make an appt with the Harleys?

Not at the moment. Should be able to shortly. Have a house that will be finished up soon.

I appreciate the feedback. I have never been so happy in my life. Years ago, I would have hit the bottle or done a line the moment trouble arrived. Now, I thrive on working through my problems no matter how different. It is so gratifiying, although difficult. My joy is intact. Im not always HAPPY, but I am joyful. She used to be so joyful. She has on many occasions said she has just given up. It all seems to focus on the material things. She works with doctors, pharm reps, and I am just waiting for the day when its over because of the money stuff. What ever happened to for better for worse, richer poorer. Our marriage has made a huge difference for all of our children, but thats not why I married her. Where does this stuff come from. I need to be honest. I would feel like a prostitute if I married for money.

Are you a friend of Bill W?

Are you familiar with Plan A? Are you implementing it?

I guess you could say so. I was in and out of AA, outpatient and eventually went to in patient. Once I got there and spent some time there, the staff basically said I wasnt an alcoholic and I could quit if I just did. I binge drank/drugged off and on and they got ticked and said that I was just being selfish. Well they were right. I just decided to stop the drugs and binging. I occasionally have a beer at the house or a glass of wine (rare). I dont much care about the booze, etc anymore. I am so joyful with my life. It just took someone to say stop what you are doing. Anywho, thats my alcoholic epic. Just not an issue for me anymore. Love me life and my family.

I basically have been plan A'ing it. I do everything. I feel like I have lost myself. I really dont do anything for myself and it just seems like the more I fill her bank, mine just keeps running dry. The Lord has been the one keeping it full. I really know that I could keep it up, but I am just growing weary. Yah know. I'm a "in for a penny, in for a pound" kinda of guy. But at times I am afraid I am going to give up myself. Her kids, my step kids, have it so much better than they did in there first family. I have bent over backwards to give them so much more, but it just doesnt seem to be enough for her. I hear so much, my kids dont have this, your kids are spoiled and get this; it drives me crazy, but I still love her.

This is where I get into new territory, so wait for the vets to chime in.

One thing that has been drowned into me by Mimi over and over again, is that Plan A is about YOU. You becoming the best person you can be. It's about meeting those needs and not expecting anything in return.

It sounds like you may be expecting her to react in a certain way. What are you doing to take care of yourself and know that whatever you are doing, you have no control over anyone but yourself. Is there anything you can think of that might have caused this situation that you are willing to look at and change?

That is the hardest thing I have had to do, is take care of myself and know that G-d is working in my WH's life.

Are you a spiritual person?

I do understand that it is about being the best i can be. I enjoy doing for her and the kids, no, I love it. I really dont want anything in return, thats not why I do it. I do it because it is right and its what they deserve from me - my best. I just feel she goes deeper in to the funk as I try and be my best. Its almost as if she doesnt like the new improved me. She says I am TOO good for her. I love my family. Its what I always wanted. I just chased money and prestige for too long. I really do know what life is about, and it aint me! Its about God and others first. I finally got that and it has made all the difference in my life and I want to share that with someone until we wrinkle into eternity. This quote is basically my mantra:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I chose this path to healing and joy and it truly has made all the difference. I was so caught up in self-hatred for so many years. I just want to help others become free as I have.

I am just throwing thoughts out. Is that a judgement that someone isn't as free as you are?

If I am offending you I apologize.

Whattodo,

My suspicion is that she is having an EA at work. If she is around Dr's and such, then she is around people that have money and a lifestyle she covets. She wants you and your support, but she also wants the money and lifestyle. I suspect there is someone there who she has focused on even if that person is NOT aware of it.

I don't know what to offer you but to be vigilant and make decisions about your life. As much as you say you love it, it is clear this is NOT a life you want to endure for very long.

I really think you need some help here and counseling is the best place to start but I would doubt that it will have much of an affect on your W as you have described her.

Sorry I cannot offer you a concrete path, but I do hope you continue to speak to your W about these things. I might well have posted to you when you first came here but clearly you have changed your posting name.

IN any event hang in there, keep searching for the answers and DO NOT let yourself down.

God Bless,

JL

Hey Whattodo,

Well, I'll apologize in advance here, I'll be no help. But this thread really spoke to me - change a few things around & this could very well be my life. From the construction business (H) to the lovey-dovey from a distance & completely removed in person (me) and in between. I read the first few posts wondering if there was drug or alcohol involved - partly because my life is currently revolving around Al-Anon and partly because your wife really reminds me of me! And I'm still not quite sure if I am the way I am because of ACOA & Enabler & Codependency. But I keep being told that's the driving force.

Very recently, H & I would send text messages back & forth during the day, most often initiated by me, either being very sincerly loving or sometimes naughty & suggestive...but when we were together, nothing. I can recall a recent instance in the car in early December: he was rambling about something, figuring I was listening & keeping up, but I wasn't. I was saying, in my head, "whatever, you're so immature, I don't know why I'm with you & if I could afford it I'd SO leave you." This wasn't the only time I've felt like this.

Yet, at the same time, I LOVED being his wife - I bragged to my friends, I bought him gifts, LOVED cuddling on the couch. No intimacy though. I was literally lying to myself and still today, I cannot tell you why. I loved him and I completely disregarded him, often in the same day(s). We are separated now, which should seem like a relief but I actually took it pretty hard at first.

My H isn't the "typical" alcoholic (whatever that is) but he absolutely all-out refused to give up drinking & is quite the pot smoker too and I'm finally (after 11 yrs) DONE living like that. His friends are generally the "typical" losers, all of their idea of fun is being drunk & telling the same stories of drunkenness when they were teens, etc. I could honestly say that by Tuesday and up until about Wednesday I was truly attracted to my husband, but never enough to let my guard down, as I was still reeling from whatever (drunk) stunt he pulled the previous weekend and starting to get terrified of what he'd pull next in just a few days.

SO....has your wife picked you up off the ground a few times? Have you said/done some pretty awful/disgraceful things in her presence? These things are really hard to get over. I have not ever cheated on my husband. One time, about 7 yrs ago I found myself in an EA for about 6 mos. but I ended that (but H did find out) and haven't come close since. My H also had an EA in '05 but that ended w/o incident.

Sorry for the rambling. Just trying to offer a bit of insight. Maybe your wife's dad was an alcoholic too? Sorry I wasn't more help. This is just very, very similar to my own situation.