Thanks for the kind post. Yes, he was the Battalion Commander. Responsible for many lives. I think that may be one of the reasons why he is so messed up right now. I remember when he came home for his 2 week leave - he was so upset because a 18 year old that was trained by his men was blown up by an IED. I think it affected him more than he will ever know.

As for our marriage - I am not very hopeful. In the past 48 hours since he told me he wanted to work on it because of the kids - he has been in constant contact with her. There is only so much pain I can take. I am independent, beautiful, and successful. I don't need him. One of our arguments today discussed this - I think he is running to this crazy lade because she is so needy and I don't need him. What is interesting is that I said to him today that I needed him and he was not there for me when I needed him most. I learned to live without needing him. I think he misses me needing him. He also mentioned to me today that he is mad at the fact that I have so many friends that love me and that I never loved him as much as I love all my friends. But what he doesn't understand is that all of my friends love and support me. My house is filled with flowers and cards from friends that are helping me through this. What goes around comes around right? In more ways than one.

What is the Army doing about the affair? They will put a STOP to his affair. What is happening with that?

I called his CO - full Colonel - he told me that he would have a talk with him. He said that he just gave up command and was not his commander as of last week - but would speak with him about the situation. He told me he would call me back after speaking with him. I don't know if he called yet. This is the National Guard - not active duty. Different protocol and politics. I know he will speak to him because he gave me his word - but I don't think anything will come of it.

ok, so you called the wrong person. This needs to be reported to his CURRENT COMMANDER in order to make it official. They will put a stop to it. Something WILL come of it if you do this correctly.

Sally, is there some reason why did you did report this to the PROPER authorities? The man you called is no longer in a position of authority, so is not a postion to do ANYTHING. Or was that the point?

Military affairs are about the EASIEST to bust up through exposure. Most are DOA when exposed. But you have to do the exposure.

I've been trying to stay away from your thread..kind of frustrating...

Why are you having "ARGUMENTS" with your WH? Did you decide not to do PLAN A? Have you read up on PLAN A and what it involves? Do YOU want to work on YOUR MARRIAGE?

Sally,

So your WH is currently no longer on active duty status, is that correct?

What is his civilian profession?

Also, Mel is right, exposing to a person who no longer has any command influence probably won't help much. As your WH is National Guard and was a BN commander, I would consider going to the office of the state TAG. A battalion command is a position of extreme honor and very difficult to be selected for. BN Cdrs are held to a high standard and frankly, your WH has dishonored him self and his service by his actions.

Someone here has already advised you on how to make an appointment with the Harleys and if you haven't done it yet, then you need to do so.

Honestly, no one here will fault you if you decide to divorce your WH, you have that right. But, decide you must because sitting back and basking in your own attractiveness isn't going to help your WH find his way back to your family.

You see, his affair probably has nothing to do with the way you look. My FWH's OW literally weighs twice as much as I do and is really homely. He didn't chose to have an affair with her because of her looks. He became involved with her because she was totally willing and enthusiastic about meeting some of his important EN's that I was neglecting.

Understanding the MB principles will be very helpful for you whether or not you stay with your WH or not. Read Mimi's comment again on reading up on plan A.

Any relationship you enter into in the future will benefit from understanding how to identify and meet the EN's of your partner. You see Sally, that every relationship and marriage is at risk for infidelity, MB can give you the tools to build an affair proof marriage.

You say that your WH is willing to stay and work on the marriage. Well, if that is what you want, then get with the Harley's so that they can help you both understand what it will take to recover your marriage.

If it isn't what you want, then you will need to devise a different type of plan. You once mentioned that you had already filed for divorce. What is the status of that action?

Who

Thanks for post. I walked away from website for a week because we decided to divorce and the post by mimi made me upset. I understand she was frustrated with me - so am I - I waffle back between saving the marriage and giving up. I am sorry for that.

I will update you guys on what is going on.

We had been talking a lot. Mostly trying to figure out why the marriage failed - for my own sake. All the time, he was texting and contacting her. Even in between our discussions when I walked out of the room. So you see, it is hard for me even to try knowing how terrible he is right now. I contacted and exposed his affair last night to his boss. But I think all I did was look vendictive through e-mail and now he will never forgive me. I apologized but there is no turning back. I am sick over it because that is not the person I want to be. I know you all tell me to expose - but I did not feel good about it.

The main reason for our failed marriage is that there was no communication and he was not there for my emotional needs when I needed him - miscarriage, death of my father, boss/work issues. Over time, I stopped caring for him - and we did not have the physical love he needed. So he turned to the internet and now an affair. We are both at fault and now it is too late. He will never fall in love with me again and I don't think I can ever trust. It is so upsetting - both of us are sick over it.

The best we can do at this point is come to some civil arrangement for the sake of the children. I thank you all for trying to help me. This website is great - and I know in the future - I will work on the things that were lacking in this relationship and I will take your advice on how to keep a relationship strong.

Sally,

I know how you feel. I believe there is always hope for the marriage. It's not too late, he can love you again, and you can trust him again.

I hope that you will consider this.

I was listening to Dr. Harley on the internet. They were talking about celebrity divorces and how they always cite "irreconcilable differnces." He went on to say that there are no differences that can not be reconciled.

I believe that you and your husband can overcome anything and have a happy loving marriage together.

I hope you can believe that too.

Sally,

Please don't feel that you need to apologise for shining a light on your WH's action. He knew that what he was doing was wrong.

I think how you feel about exposure is more about why you did it. If you did it to try and save your marriage then you had every right to. Once exposed, the WS has to look at their actions as seen through the eyes of others.

Perhaps, in the past, your WH has had to take action against a subordinate for exactly what he is now guilty of. Kinda makes him a hypocrit, doesn't it. Do you honestly think that he believes he is in the right here? I would bet not.

This affair will not last, you can be sure of that. But if you don't want to recover your marriage, I sure can understand that. Recovery from an affair is tough, painful, and seems to move at a snails pace which makes it frusterating as well.

When we started out after d-day, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. Perhaps if I had, I would not have tried, but we did and we finally made it.

Now, I am glad to have put all the hard work and effort into it. But that is me. You have made a different decision and that is your right.

I wish you luck and happiness in your future.

Who

Thanks whome and amazin. Uplifting and true things I need to hear. I did not realize how angry and hurt I have been. That anger has made me less attractive to my spouse, but to tell you the truth, I needed to vent. I have been keeping it all in and the other night it just got the best of me. I told his boss and now I think he may be in trouble. I told him because I wanted the affair to stop and for the text messaging to stop. I feel terrible. I know you all told me to do it, but now I feel bad.

I need to move on and find myself. I know and so many other people know how good and true I am. This entire affair has made me less of a person than I want to be. I can't concentrate on anything but how hurt I am. I need to move on with my life and not let it keep me in this sadness.

As for him, he is sad too. I think we both realized we messed up and messed up big. In time, the wounds will heal, but for now they are raw. I need to stay away from him so we don't fight. We just had a decent conversation on the phone and I think for now, it may be best for us to talk this way. We did make a marriage counciling session for next week. Not to get back together, but to figure out how not to be mad at each other for the sake of the children.

So how am I doing? Is all of this normal? My Plan A failed because I just could not get over the anger. And to tell you the truth, I could not forgive at this time. And with him constantly seeing her, I could not do Plan A knowing that is all going on. I realize that he is going to be with her and there is nothing I can do. I need to move on and I deserve a person that loves me for me, appreciates me, and does not use and lie to me.

Sally,

FWIW, I know with a pretty fair amount of certainty that I would not have been able to pull off a plan A while the affair was on-going.

For me, I got so tired of my FWH's short temper and general unpleasantness during his affair that I did the best I could to not be around him. I started spending more and more time with my girlfriends and when he started acting unpleasant, I would simply get up and leave the room.

So, I guess you could call that a plan A, but I didn't yet know of the affair. By the time I found out, OW had LB'd him long enough that he had ended the affair.

I am really sorry for you and everyone else here that is going thru this. Just plain sucks to walk in the shoes of a BS.

You are wise to try and keep things civil with your WH. His affair will not last and perhaps some day in the future, he will wake up and things will work out when the pain isn't so new and raw.

Good luck.

Who

Thanks for the kind words.

Question to all - why would my husband still stay in the house while active in the affair and we are divorcing? Isn't it strange? I keep asking him to move in with her and he will not leave. He says it is because his lawyer is telling him to stay to help him with child custody. But if he is having sex with her and tells lies all the time about the affair - isn't that doing more harm than good for his court case? He goes out and over her house 2-3 times a week. He pretends like he is still being a father and husband - checking in on me to see if we need groceries or things done around the house. Isn't that strange? I am not a needy person and have been doing things all by myself the 1.5 yrs he was deployed. At this point, all he is doing is turning the knive in my heart. How do I get him to stop and get out for good?

I know what you are thinking? Why aren't I trying to save the marriage? I have asked repeatedly and he says there is no hope. We are going for marriage counciling next week for the first time - not to save the marriage - but to try to find some common ground on how to get through the pain and anger. I think both of us are just so sad about what has happened. We both need to come to civil ground to be able to be there together for the children in the future. It did take me a while to get calm and move into plan A after I found out about the affair. I am just moving through this now, accepting that he is leaving me for another woman. Not getting angry - just letting go.

Is my situation normal? What is going on in his head right now?

That is called having your cake and eating it too! It is much easier to carry on an affair from the comforts of your home. He can enjoy all the benefits of a married man while chasing his ho.

The way that you get him to stop is to get a legal seperation on the grounds of ADULTERY and get him removed from your home via court order. THEN go into Plan B.

But if can have his affair from the comfort of his home and no one will stop him, why not?

My state does not have legal separation as an option. Adultry is not even looked at in the state. How sick is that? I can claim it, but my lawyer says that it really won't change anything. I went to the State Police and they confirmed what my lawyer said - unless he is violent, I can't get him to leave. I have to wait for the court case which could take a year. Is that fair??? Why do I have to suffer like this???

Well, if you file for divorce you can get him removed. I would speak to your lawyer and get temporary orders on the grounds of extreme mental cruelty. File for D and then drag your feet once he is out. His affair will crumble FASTER if he is out anyway.

Ummm what state are you in? If you don't mind me asking...

Even if your state doesn't have legal separation filing for divorce may get him out of the house. But I'd have to research and see what state you're in.


My state doesn't have legal separation either. But once you file for divorce that does certain things for you.





Key words there... "he says" It doesn't matter what he says... it's what you want and what you believe. Stop making decisions based on anything he says.... He's saying that to justify his actions in his mind and continue the affair.

What do you want Sally? Do you want to try and save the marriage? Or do you want to just give up and let him go?


Here's something Mark posted about "doing what's best for the kids" and the effects of an affair and divorcing on children when they're older.

MIL left her husband for OM when her daughters were teenagers and preteen.

1 was married 4 times, now alone. She lost a son soon after first divorce to an accident while he was with the babysitter while she worked her second job. Her daughter is married for the second time. Her grandchildren are in therapy.

1 is with her 4th husband. She got pregnant at 14 and married at 15. She has 4 adult children by 3 different men and one she gave up for adoption because she was single (divorced) when she got pregnant. Her oldest was living with a guy when she got pregnant by someone else. Now married to a different guy. Her second daughter lives with another woman. Her son and his wife are in counseling. Her other son...she has no idea where he is.

1 has had multiple affairs after getting pregnant and married at 17. She got pregnant by another man and kept it a secret for over ten years. Her husband has raised that child as his own. Her daughter is divorced and has a child she conceived with another guy before moving home with the child at the age of thirty.

1 has been married for 20+ years and seems to have a good life....but she lives 1000 miles from the rest of the family. She was but 9 when MIL left with the piano teacher.

They all get together for funerals.

MIL is still married to her OM, but she sees her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren about once every 3 or 4 years and seldom for longer than a day or two at a time. Two of her great grandchildren she has never seen in person; they are 3 and 4 years old.

It's the price she paid to be with her "soulmate".

Her XH (FIL) was married to someone else for 30 years. He died and now his and MIL's children call his widow "Mom" and their children call her Grandma. They visit her several times per year, even though she lives several states away.

Just something to consider...

SallyG

I've just caught myself back up on your thread...

A couple of things really jumped out at me.

You are/were Plan A'ing, now you're D'ing, then you're going to counseling with the following "plan"...



From where I sit, you are still in your own fog, Sally.

You are rushing to a conclusion that is in no one's best interest...not yours, your H's, and certainly not your children's.

I say this because I too went to counseling w/ WW in order to do the same thing.

That's called divorce counseling, not marriage counseling, and its something you can do if you want to only to stop the conflict in the divorce.

Personally, I think you need to STOP yourself, catch your breath, read up here, then CALL THE HARLEY's for counseling.

The liklihood you'll find a counselor with ANY understanding of the underlying cause of and recovery from A's is remote, at best.

Again, STOP, do NOT pass GO...CALL the Harleys.

PLEASE!

If only for the children...at first.

What's the rush, exactly?

Because A is still going on?

That's why you're Plan A'ing

That's why you're supposed to be boning up on MB.

That's why you're supposed to be learning how to be still

You exposed...that is a tactic designed SOLELY to stop affair, not to punish WH.

You said you told his CO in order to get the text messaging to stop, now you're divorcing him?

?????

NO wonder you don't feel good about exposing...

OK, I've said my piece on that.

Now, to business...

Your husband has told you of some of his emotional needs (ENs)...did you hear them?

If not, go back to your previous posts and listen again to what he told you.

He needs someone to need him.

You told him you needed him, now show it, rather than demonstrating by your actions (filing for D) that you don't.

What are his other ENs? Find out.

What are your Lovebusters? Find out.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh or frustrated Sally, it's just that in the grand scheme of things, this hasn't been going on all that long and you need to be patient, loving and develop a PLAN, rather than let your emotions drive your actions all over the map!!!

((((SallyG and her family))))

L2F

(OBTW, I too am a "full Colonel" equivalent in another service...)

New Jersey

Sally,

From what I've read... It is possible to have a spouse removed from the marital house in your state. It may be hard to do... but it can be done...

Read this.

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_jersey/removing_spouse_from_marital_home