I hear you Mopey. It is time consuming and you do get lost in all of the posts.

For me, I've made such a mess of my own sitch that I don't feel I have any advice to give someone else.

Do try the AD's though. They help so much. You need relief from this thing....

WhoMe - something that might help you....remember that you can offer advice and help, but the person does not have to take it. Put the food on the table, and if they are hungry enough, they will eat it. If they are "allergic" to some of the advice (I get that a lot), then leave them to others who are telling them what they want to hear and move on to someone else who may be more willing to talk and consider what you have to say to see if it might have application to their situation.

Everyone is different in a lot of ways and about the only thing in "common," especially when someone first arrives here, is being at "ground zero" of the adultery bomb. They are in shock and panic and many times reacting out of either desperation or fear, especially the fear that they really can't tell what is true and what is false.

It takes a long time for many to get to the point where they can "override" their emotions with their "reason" and see that there MAY be a way of the "bottomless pit."

Keep trying, and don't be too offended if someone says through words or actions (as in not continuing to post on MB) that they are not interested in what you have to say.

Many more who do not post will likely read what you do have to say, and some you will never know about will be helped.

Your time is not wasted until you no longer want to take the time to read and post on MB. By then, others will likely be around to "take up the slack" of your own absence.

Keep up the good work, but don't let MB start to define you or become it's own "addictive" habit to you.

sledbabe - from one former debate team member to another, this place can drive you crazy, so guard your own heart and mind. Due to the nature of the "problem" that brings most people here, EMOTIONS, not logic or reason, are the "driving force" for a long time for most members.

Couple that with divergent "worldviews" and "rational discussion," let alone "debate" of "opposing" viewpoints is often difficult and very often results in angry responses.

"Pros and Cons" are valid in many cases, but it's "real life" and "very personal" to everyone dealing with infidelity. So to "argue" for "staying and recovering" versus "cut and run" is but one side of the "debate" where there ARE times when divorce might be the "better choice" or when the emotional responses of the Taker in full protective mode is operating.

Real situations versus hypothetical arguments. But you'll find your own training to be effective in helping you to "see the other side" and to be able to consider responses that might be more "persuasive" given the emotional filter that will be applied to the advice. Couple that with your own personal experiences of navigating through the winding road of recovery and you'll be able to help a LOT of people, but not all people.

God bless.

Yes it bugs me too... And I can think of one poster right off the top of my head that does exactly that. (WHO.. I think you know who I’m talking about)

For myself I think I just have to be patient. I try to remember what they’re going through and that they’re scared and sometimes desperate. I think in their desperation and the frenzy of the moment they don’t stop and think. Those people need a moment of clarity before they can think straight.

Would you like curly fries with your order?

Morning everyone. Guess I was even looking like a drive-by poster by not coming by over the weekend.

After seeing what has been posted here on this thread by some folks who I have a whole lot of respect for, well I think I have a better understanding of the difference between being just plain stubborn and having difficulty in finding the courage to run the gauntlet when in the midst of a panic attack.

I have to remind myself that I was one of the lucky ones around here who never had to expose since the A was already over and done when I found out.

Somehow I understood the need for NC and sending the letter as well even tho I didn't know what MB was. Unfortunately, I missed the boat on many of the other MB principles such as avoiding LB's.

Infidelity is tough on everyone including the OP, and everyone concerned gets hurt. Truly a no win situation with life long repercussions.

Who

I was definitely a drive by poster. But I consolidated! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yes, forever hers...I am a very pragmatic type. Too cold? Put on a sweater. Too hot? Take off sweater.

Love and marital problems..definately not a one size fits all deal.One of the many responsibilities I have @ work is the accounting...so I have this tendency to want to put things in a column...

The basic outline of the steps to take to heal a broken marriage are universal though. That in itself is what attracted me to this site.

After I found out about my H's A, the only way I could get through some days is to follow the Plan A, POJA, radical honesty, etc and put my faith in the MB "system".
I am very thankful for the information here. Even reading the heart wrenching posts of others. Somehow, there always seems to be someone else who has it worse, and that made it possible for me to put my own problems in perspective.

I also am middle aged, and a tad ocd too.:)

Hi Who,

Great thread, thanks for posting it. I guess I'm a driveby poster but I do it cuz I'm usually not sure what advice to give. So I 'bump and run', ask how they're doing, practicing in my head what I would say if I was confident enough to give initial advice, and then hope that an experienced poster gives initial advice soon. If what I think matches up with what they say, my confidence builds.....then gradually I might start to offer some little advice tidbit....but usually I suggest they check out the entire website while they are waiting for other posters to reply.

I usually try to stick to bumping 3-4 GQII threads only...trying to keep them from sliding off the first 2 pages. But, I refuse to use the single word "bump"....it's just not me....I gotta say/ask something.....cuz I really do care.

Marriedfor30yrs sez I make her dizzy, (and I've probably offended othes, too....sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) but I've cut back a bunch due to other projects lately.

Regarding Newbies who post, ask questions, refuse to acknowledge or answer, or just lose interest, there is nothing we can do about it so I just pray for them. I still wonder about 4 posters from last spring/summer that said that I helped them a little...."BrokeninCali", "gsh", "Onethousandwords" and "OnlyUCan"....hope you/they are doing well. If you've re-registered under a different name, please email me so I can change your name on my prayer list (addy on home page).

I also am concerned for recent newbies like Mr/Mrs. GGW who haven't posted much since their thread (TMI/Slander) got locked for some reason. After reading that thread, I realized that I may have offended them by cutting/pasting their story to a new OT thread without first asking their permission. I did post an apology and I can only hope and pray they see it sometime. (And from then on, I don't c/p to another thread without first getting permission from the poster.)

Overall, Who, this thread has made me think about what/how often I post to whom. I sincerely hope that I've never affected someone negatively by my driving by....but it's beyond my control now. I will make a better effort in the future to 'park a bit' more often than not.

Thanks,

Ace

Hi Q, thanks for asking. I'm just trying to take care of myself mostly. I'm still seeing IC and I still have a lot of personal issues but I'm gradually getting through them. One of the hardest things has been trying to re-establish a social network. I work 75 km from where I live and I've been in my house 8 years with STBX so we didn't really meet many local people. All of my friends live in different cities and I get home so late it's rather difficult. But I'm working on it. I'm getting better at being alone and I have made one good friend nearby.

I'm still pretty proud of my financial sitch which helps. I never thought I was materialistic but one of my greatest fears when this happened was how I was going to make it alone. We always had huge money problems. Well, I guess I got rid of the main problem and now that part is fine.

Hi Ace,

Thanks for stopping by. I too wonder about some of the folks here. Tarnsy being my biggest concert. As you may remember, she was struggling with a weak plan B and I am afraid that after over a year in a great plan A where her WH continued to reside with the OW, she has given up on plan B and gone back to plan A.

I don't want her to be afraid that the MB family will judge her harshly for being weak. She seems like such a fragile person that I worry about her being continually hurt by her very addicted and completely foggy WH.

I'll be gone again the remainder of this week. My Mom is back in the hospital and by all accounts is angry at still being alive and is taking it out on everyone. I say by all accounts because when I try to call, she won't answer the phone.

The medical staff has confirmed that she is in fact slipping away so that leaves me with having to move her things back out of the assisted living facility that I moved her into just last month. I am also going to get her condo on the market and make all the final arrangements while I'm there.

I am trying to bolster myself to deal with her anger and indifference when I get there. Please keep her in your prayers, all she needs now is to find acceptance and peace.

Best,

Who

Hi Who,

I wonder about Tarnsy, too. You and others made a great effort to help her but ultimately, it's up to her. I trust she appreciates all your concerns and that you'll continue to post when you get back. (Your military experience gives you an added advantage in helping LIT and others with such difficult challenges.)

Like JL said, even if we never hear results from our posts, others who are lurking may benefit one way or the other.

Best wishes as you care for your mom and her EOL issues.

Ace