I am new to this site although my situation isn’t. Someone else posted a thread about my wife’s affair and I was told about it by a mutual friend (thank you for caring GBF1, and others who posted). The original thread is below.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=15#Post3342128

The basic story is my wife and I were having a tough time. Arguments over silly small things which created a tense atmosphere. We had a hectic 7 years together (the last two married) involving moving 3 times back & forth across continents, searching & buying our dream home, renovations and a nice wedding. We both though love doing the same things, have the same interests and did nearly everything together.

The arguments were really based on my impatience – I think mainly down to my wanting to ‘get on in life’ and insecurity of not achieving this for our future, and from her always accusing me of having affairs (which I never had) and taking the slightest criticism very badly (i.e. I would do most of the running around for us and the odd time I would ask her to do something it would get left for days as she prioritised work first). In the morning if I was in a good mood she would often question it. I would have to think about how I would tell her I was gong to the gym, or out for a beer with friends etc. I told her a few times it is often the accuser is the one who has the affair. However, with her attitude towards this I trusted her 100%. She is a person that is always looking for approval from others (think the ‘church mouse’) although I said to her a few times that I thought that by not standing up for herself she would bring these issues home to me – I seemed to be the only person she dared argue with. However, I should point out that the majority of the time I was very affectionate with her, always looking to cuddle, buy her things, be a gentleman, etc.

After us living back overseas (in Europe) for 2 years I arrived back from a trip (I brought my father back with me) with a feeling something was wrong. Because my father was there I didn’t chase it. Then the day before my father was due to fly home I checked the PC and found an e-mail from her to an estate agents enquiring about an apartment. The rent was too high for her to afford alone. Like others on this site the discovery was crushing (I had never gone through her correspondence before although she had gone through mine).

I waited at the train station for her and challenged her. She admitted she was looking for a place for her and the guy she had sat opposite at work for 2 years. He is married (2 years) and his wife has a child from a previous marriage but the boy (6 years old) knows him as a father. I was devastated but knew he would find her attractive (she is a very good looking girl) but I always trusted her. Note that I also work at the same office. She said the marriage wasn’t working and she was “not the wife I deserved”!

She stayed at friends the first night and she asked to talk the next day. There were a lot of tears and she basically said she had fallen rapidly for him over the last 2 months which seemed to coincide with a big argument we’d had on holiday – again over something minor). I suggested we go to counselling and that I would do anything to get help for any & all of my problems but I could see she had fallen for him. I told her that he was just an outlet for her because of our problems; he was sitting there all nice and calm, like I was with the girl opposite me at work. She moved her clothes out and moved into an apartment with him.

I blamed myself 100% to begin with, read a lot of books, listened to lots of self help tapes, talked to friends with psychological training, and professionals, and generally improving myself. I had thought in the first days “well, this guy has been really nice to her and I have to learn my lesson”. Then all these people started contacting me about this guy (not me going to them for info) and the full story of what an ar****** he is starting coming out. Of course he was never going to be a great guy in my book but all this info was overwhelming. My wife’s father visited after a few weeks and said he could see right through the guy and dreaded her staying with him, although he was certain the guy was just a crutch. He told her she had to suffer the consequences of her actions and left her to it.

Over 6 months we talked here and there, she said about things which I had done which weren’t nice and I agreed (just for the record there was never any physical violence or anything of that nature). Generally I tried to avoid contact so she could see what the guy was like for herself. Late during that time a girl from my work came over to watch DVD’s a couple of times, but nothing really in it. When my wife realised someone else had been over she then said she had been missing me, was confused, and would take my advice to go and see a counsellor (she wouldn’t go for us but would go for her own issues. I though at least this would be a start). She also said hat when she was sick after a party around that time she was calling out for me. She also wanted to come around more at this time to “see the cat”. However, she had made no moves to leave the guy.

4 weeks ago the guy told her he was going back to his wife. I think he sensed he wasn’t in a good spot and jumped before e thought he’d be pushed. As someone mentioned on the original thread about him being the type of guy that changes horses during the race when his one seems to be falling behind. He basically told my wife he wanted to give it another go with his wife – he told my wife in the ‘coffee corner’ at work (when he left his wife originally he told her in a public theme park when the boy was on a ride!).

She immediately got onto me and wanted to talk. We took a day off and talked and I agreed to give it a go, although the first thing I wanted to do was get her away from him so that at least she could think straight. The next day she was devastated by his rejection and I said I preferred that she go back to the apartment she shared with him as he had since moved back to his wife, so we could both be alone & think. She begged to stay a while longer. I eventually agreed after she became suicidal and I discussed it wit her father who said her mother had self harm episodes.

She stayed a week and when she was better I took her back to the apartment as there was 2 months still left on the lease and paid for. We thought it best for both of us that she got her straightened out. She was still all about him. It old her that she needed to understand the situation, how it happened and she would realise the guy wasn’t an important part of it. She hasn’t done much of this.

A week or so later we met and she said she thought we should get divorced as she didn’t want to keep me hanging on. She said she was barely coping. She had been seeing a psychologist once a week for the past 4 weeks at this point. The shrink said after the 2nd visit that she had zero confidence. She had a childhood which contained a lot of episodes from her parents that I think a best seller could be written about. Without going into details it would clearly have an effect on her. She said no one would want her now, as she is a basket case and that she needs time on her own to fix her problems. She feels everything she buttoned up is now coming out (she is 37). She says she is just about coping.

It may be hard for some to believe but she is actually a good person. She did very well in her childhood to be there for her mother in a horrific situation which lasted 13 years. I never go much affection from her and this could be very frustrating but it could be down to her childhood (parents various relationships which included one very strange one where her mother was dominated cruelly).

I still love her & care for her. I actually feel this situation; with what we have both learnt/can learn, could actually create a wonderful relationship. I told her that in her condition she can’t really make any decisions on us yet but should keep her options open while continuing to see the psychologist.

I would really appreciate help from those out there whether I should keep trying, should I give her space, for how long? Basically some guidance on how to fix &/or handle this situation. Of course it doesn’t help when the other guy is still at the office but unlike the US you can’t get rid of him for that, although several senior managers would love to get rid of him. She feels she can cope with working in the same place and it is difficult to get other work here.

Thanks for your help.
Fighting husband

FH, this can be salvaged, but only if she leaves that job and agrees to never see the OM again. Here is a recent newsletter by Dr.Harley that explains it well:

Dr. Harley: read entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3370294

Secondly, I would recommend phone counseling with the Harleys to get a PLAN in place to recover your marriage. They are QUALIFIED in this field and understand the dynamics of adultery. I point this out because most therapists and psychologists are not competent in this arena. Your solution won't be found in a psychologists office yapping about her childhood, but in focusing on changing PRESENT behaviors.

The most immediate step you can take towards a solution is to convince her to leave her job. An affair is an addiction, and she will never withdraw until contact is ended. Recovery is impossible without it.

Once contact is ended, she must be assured that you will meet her needs and that is how Marriage Builders can help. They can TEACH you how to meet each others needs and build romantic love.

ahhhhhhhh, now I remember. Here is what I told your wife's friend, GBH, last November:

Some things jump out at me:

1. You were M'd to her for 2 years or less before her A occured.
2. She still works with the OM, and she wants to continue working with him. You didn't mention it, but do you work with the both of them as well?

Are there any children involved? Community property?

Dr Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Good to see you.

Thank you ML and MIM for your comments.

She is pretty screwed up right now. She feels that all the issues from her childhood that she bottled up are now coming out and she feels like she's no good to anyone in present state. She wants to have some time on her own to sort herself out. She feels that she depended on me too much although I thought one of the points of a relationship is to be able to depend on each other!

She has been seeing a psychologist for the last month and will continue to do so. However, this is for her own issues at the moment. I will look at using the Harley's but will have to convince her to do so. One of the problems from her childhood was staying 2 weeks a year with her mother who was staying at a house with 5 other women who were cruelly dominated by a 'therapist' (unqualified female therapist), including sexual abuse to these women. She had to sit through 'classes' in the house and now has trouble to discuss emotive issues for any more than short periods.

My wife and the other guy work on the floor below me. The other guy sits 4 yards away from her. She says she can handle it. She really wants to keep her job and being in a foreign langauage city it is difficult to find English speaking roles here.

We have no children yet although we are at an age where time is running out (me 41, her 36). We have a house back home where we have just accepted new tenants on a 12 month lease.

I know I can't wait around for her but I'm still keeping my options open. I wonder if I should just leave her alone to sort herself out - i.e. no contact - or perhaps see her once a week or so in attempt to rekindle things?

Fighting Husband

You need to let the other man's wife know that he is having an affair and planning to move in with your wife.

Also they can't work together. It just never works out for the marriage. There is no choice.

Wife must leave her job now. Should expose affair at work to get them separated. Expose OMW now!

Thanks for caring & taking the time to write. My wife & the other guy lived together for 6 months until he went back to his wife. I think he jumped before he thought he would be pushed. The affair is well known at the office. In fact they were quite open about it once they got together.

Unlike the US you can't get rid of people for domestic issues, even though some senior managers would like to get rid of him.

One of the saddest things was one of her colleagues invited them both to dinner 6 weeks after they got together. This colleague had been round to my home for dinner with my wife & I 4 weeks before it happened. Enjoying my hospitality and saying how we should do things, etc. It's hard to belive the principles of some people!

FH

It's not clear to me whether the OM's BW is aware of the A. Unless you know for 100 percent certainty (have spoken to her yourself) you should inform her. If the only evidence she knows is that your WW or OM said so, I wouldn't trust their word.

As the others have noted, your M has no chance while your WW and OM continue to work together. Exposing to the BW may help because she should ask OM to leave that workplace.

The OM's BW was well aware of the situation. It wasn't a case of the affair happening behind our backs. My wife told him only a week before I found out that she had feelings for him, and he reciprocated. Once I found out, and it appeared useless at that time to get her to work things out with me, I let her go to try and get it out of her system and realise the type of guy he really is.

The working situation obviously makes it hard.

Hey GBF1,
I was just curious to find out if you told the OP or did he find out on his own? I know you are in a tight spot here but I am happy to see you are supporting the OP.

Hi Suamico

I actually found out 3 months after her husband (FH) found out as she is overseas. I think one of the causes of the problem was her not having someone close where she lives to talk to - someone to give her good advice and use of their experience. I also think she didn't want to hear the truth that she wasn't with a good guy (I mean the other guy, not her husband!). The other guy just seemed to be filling his own ego.

GBF1