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no you are right I know I'm loosing it by not backing up the threats. I should have gone to the L two weeks ago, but have been procrastinating. I hate this cake eating crap too! so I'll get to the L this week. for now I'll go wit her and be nice, only becuase i know it's pissing off OM, he really is at the end of his rope now, this has been confirmed both in her threads on Ivilliage and SIL who has been keep me in the loop. I'll work on the plab B stuff for next week in the mean time....for now I gotta go, we're leaving, I'll be back on here sunday eve...thanks so much for the support!
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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Here's the gerbil story... One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we--chasing it.
"There it is. Get it." we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal, hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In a frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I said. I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of the house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction--not reacting--but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction--not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I had started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came up and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.
Today, I will feel comfortable with my new reaction--not reacting. I will feel at peace. Control what you can, protect your heart, aph!
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just got back from our little trip...it went well for the most part despite another discovery and slight blowup on our ride....We stopped at a store and while she was in there I scrolled through her text messages (she left her cell phone in the car) and found out that while she was away last week supposedly "getting some space" from OM and me, they actually met up after she swore up and down they had not. I confronted her about it when she returned to the car by asking again if she had been with OM during her 5 day trip to her friends and she said no! So I let her know I knew she was lying as usual and I was very dissapointed. she tried to deny it again. (What is wrong with WSs? do they think were born in the dark? is the fog that thick?) anyway, we agrued about it for a while, but it turned out better than most of our recent fights, and I was able to control my anger for the most part and not be disrespectful.....the rest of the trip was uneventful, and at least I know it was hard for her to communicate with OM. I guess for now we're still in Plan A until I can get some input from the lawyer.
She also said she had read some of this site and that I was not doing a good job at all of the things Dr. Harley suggests for a BS! I knew my plan A sucked....
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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"She also said she had read some of this site and that I was not doing a good job at all of the things Dr. Harley suggests for a BS! I knew my plan A sucked...."
LOL, at least she is willing to read this site. I think that is promising.
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yeah I forwarded a link to josheph's letter to her the other day since she couldn't understand why it was so important to know the details of her A....I guess it sparked some interest. She is big on Ivilliage and there are some boards there that support affairs and ending affairs including the importance of NC that she goes to often, so she knows what NC is all about, just hasn't been able to get there yet. maybe she'll post here one day as a FWW who knows....
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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That would be so cool! What did you think of the gerbil story? What can we do to help you with Plan A?
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i liked the gerbal story, and i can say that when I told her not to come home it opened her eyes a little. right now I'm not sure exactly what to do....on our ride this weekend she said that i should just give her some space and stop asking about the A and OM so much so I will for now. I guess she is trying to tell me that if I had a good plan A, the decision to work on our M would be much easier. she still sleeps on the couch and it's hard meet any of her needs other than domestic support at the moment. she's going to her IC tomorow and I have mine on tues. hopfully this week will bring some news on her decision about NC. I have to just keep me mouth shut for now i think and "act happy"....
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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HELP.....i hate letting this drag on with no end in sight. I found out that OM is extreemly jelous that i gave her diamond earings for V-Day and he got her nothing. She continues to tell me she's ending it with OM, but in her threads on the other message board it seems like she is just telling me this so she can end our M on a better note. So I feel like I need to back up my threats to end our M asap by tellng her I'm done. I don't want her to think I'm weak and have no cradibility, but I also think that OM is going to really show his true colors soon if she doesn't leave me. shuld I hold tight or make a move and force her to deal with reality. I love her so much and don't want to loose her, but I only want to work on this M if she puts in the 110% it needs to recover....please help me here....
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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Does she know that you are reading her ivillage thread?
I have read her thread, I have no doubts you can get her back as long as you don't blow your cool.
Breathe deep. You have incredible insight into what she is feeling, does she know you are reading it?
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Aph,
When are you going to get it through your head that worrying about what OM is doing or your W is doing is counter productive? You know she is lying to you, you know she is playing games with you (I found it rich that she is evaluating your plan A), and she is saying other things on the board. Get to a lawyer, and go to plan B NOW. I repeat NOW. You have been married all of two years and for 1/4 of it she has been cheating, if not longer.
Son, you need to look at the data, she does NOT value marriage, or you and she may never have. You have done plan A you have done all you can do, it is time to look and I mean really look at yourself and quit hiding behind the "I'm in love with her" crap. You are not in love with her, you are in love with who you THINK she might have been.
She is a liar, a cheat, a slut, and she will do it for any man no matter his qualifications. Is this strong enough for you to take a look at yourself and face the data? I hope so.
I am very very promarriage and I am particularly that way when others such as children will be hurt. But, in your case you have no children, and your W has spent at least 1/4 of your marriage lying and cheating on you. Plan B NOW!
Please seriously consider it and quit considering what OM may or may not do, what she may or may not do. YOu have no control over them, and frankly you are using it as an excuse to avoid doing what you know you need to do. The data is very clear,and your actions are simply feeding her affair.
Time to step up.
God Bless,
JL
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YES!
What Just Learning said!
~ Marsh
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Ditto what JL said. Listen close and man up, Aph. It's time to take back control of your life. You have no IDEA how fine you'll feel.
LH
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jean...she knows i have read the posts under her old screenname, then she changed her screen name and has only posted once, I don't think she knows I figured that one out also.....
Just learning...you are absolutely right, I should just run I don't have much to loose other than WW. she's a good person with a good heart deep down, and when she comes out of the fog she's gonna really be hurtin, and I want to work out our problems. I know I'll be fine, there's plenty of fish...I'm just trying to hold on a little longer for the wrong reasons. I guess I really need to go to plan B ASAP.
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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APH,
Yes you do need to go to plan B ASAP. It is really your only chance of saving this marriage. I'll tell you why I say this. If this continues and you keep "hanging on" your FOG will clear and you will have no left for her, and there will be NO CHANCE that this marriage survives if it should survive.
Trust me I have been here a long time, and when the BS has his/her fog clear, the marriage is usually gone. The BS will have emptied the love bank trying and will have nothing left to recover and rebuild the marriage.
For your sake and the sake of possibly saving this marriage you MUST go to plan B. Harley as stated that one of the most frequent mistakes a BS makes is to go to plan B too late. Going early is not nearly as damaging as going too late.
Time for you to move to plan B.
God Bless,
JL
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Aph
I am by no means perfect and am still learning but I really suggest you take a look at "No More Mr Nice Guy", you are exactly like me, just read your last post about good heart and its the excuses I have been making about her as well.
She may well have a good heart, and it may well have been a mistake BUT you are responsible like I am but until you can identify what it is you need to change its not going to work.
It is "manning up" thats "No More Mr Nice Guy" to a tee, somebody said to me what would you do if you were not afraid, stop chasing the gerbil, man up and become the proud strong man that you like me probably were before,
and you never know she may come running back when she sees that..
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so while I'm searching for plan B letters, how about some examples I cam use. It's going to take me at least a few days to figure out how to do this correctly, I'm not sure if it's even legal to change the locks. I know i can't just kick her out (in my state) since her name is on the deed and she pays some bills. She isn't willing to just leave becuase she would have the last time I told her not to come back the last time. I also screwed up by telling her that if she got an Apt. the M would over for good, so she feels like if she leaves on her own the marrige would be over and she doesn't want to end it just yet, she's still testing the waters with OM and weighing her options. man this just sucks.
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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Time for Plan B...NOW! You must make sure when you go PB, you are completely prepared for it, so while you are setting it up, Plan A her socks off.
-NO LBs!
-NO M or A talks WHATSOEVER!
-Plan stuff for you to do together
-Buy her gifts he cannot possibly give her (you already know this works, and trust me, it is cheaper than a D!!)
**Some ideas...massages together, a spa day, overnight getaway, flowers, etc...Mr.W calls this "[censored] the OM can't afford")
-Post a really super sweet message on that board that tells everyone just how much you love your wife and you will do anything to save the M.
All the while...get a L, find out your rights, separate your finances...once it's all set up, BAM! Plan B...cut her off completely.
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should I bring up the moving out thing again? I'm not even sure what I'd say when she's asks why I keep chaning my mind. Right now it seems like she's not even looking for a place until she figures out who she wants to be with. or should I just step back some more and work on getting into plan B? I want to try to do this right since so far I haven't been able to do much right up to now....
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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I need some advice on how to handle my current situation. I totaly agree with those that it's time to go to plan B and everything it requires....there just one problem. WW still lives at home. I do not think I should or could leave. I cannot legally kick her out in my state unless I file for a D, which is not part of plan B from what I understand. The only other way to get her out is to ask her to leave. the problem there is she was about to move out and I told her if she leaves that our M was over. Besides I doubt she will find a place that she can afford right now. So......should I just sit here and wait some more an see if the A ends on it's own, or tell her I need a decision on the NC by a certain time....I don't know how else to get to plan B.
ME Bs (28)
WW (27)
married 2 yrs together for 9
no kids 2 dogs
EA d-day-12-10-07
PA d-day-2-14-08
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Here's the thing...since you don't have children, the court would say that either the two of you agree who gets to stay there and buy the other one out, or if you cannot decide, the court will make you put it up for sale and split the euqity. That's what usually happens, although you need a L to tell you how it would go...have you called one, Aph???
As far as filing for D, many have done at least an LSA and then moved out, citing adultery (possibly mental cruelty or abuse). Being that there are no kids, everything will get split 50/50, especially if it is a no-fault state. SO, really, there is no reason you cannot leave...it isn't abandonment if you have filed first, claiming some sort of wrong-doing on her part. Also, filing first gives you all kinds of control over the sitch. You can let it drag on and on for up to 2 years, then drop it and make her start all over again.
It's up to you, Aph. If you are done with this, you have to be done with it. You cannot change her mind or "make her see." You need to protect yourself, and have no worries about pride or who is right or wrong, who should get what, etc. It is about YOU and YOUR sanity , health, well-being....Let the court decide all that other stuff. Protect yourself, separate your finances (TODAY!!!), get a L and file. That may be all it takes to turn her around, but you cannot be concerned with her right now.
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