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Joined: Feb 2008
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rwba Offline OP
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Yesterday my wife confessed to what she said was a one night stand while she was on visiting family out of town with out me. She said that it was a chance meeting of an old accointance and that she had not intended to be unfaithful.

She revealed this to me because she had just attended a pre natal doctors appointment and was told that the conception date was the day that she slept with this other man.

We have been married for 7 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 year old boy. I was excited about the addition to our family, but had my world destroyed yesterday.

I am generally a laid back guy and when she told me I did not lose my temper or even say an angry word. I loved my life with my wife and son, and don't want to see that end. It is my first reaction to forgive her as I believe that this was a one time event.

My two main concerns at this moment are obviously the unborn child that is likely not mine, and the other is how to get over the resentment for her actions.

Can anyone give me advice on how to navigate this difficult time in my life.

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Welcome to MB. Sorry that you need to be here, but glad you have found us.

It is awful when you find out a partner has cheated, and extremely painful for months and months.

The fact that she was honest with you is rather astounding. Usually the wife says nothing, and there are believe to be many children raised by a man other than their bio dad.

You will probably get more help with the practical details on the Pregnancy and Child forum, but there isn't a lot of traffic there.

I am strongly against abortion, so I would not advise that. Also I think suggesting an abortion ruins many marriages.

Are you willing to be a father to this child? There is also the question of child support. Just know that if the OM pays child support, he may also have contact with the child and your wife.

What does your wife want?

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rwba Offline OP
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As we are a mixed race couple, and the OM was of similar race as my wife, the child will look quite different from me and our other child. It poses a difficult situation to raise this child that will obviously not be biologically mine.

As for what my wife wants, she said that the event provided her a perspective on our marriage and that she made a terrible mistake for which she is extremely sorry. She took full responsibility for her actions and has prayed for forgiveness. She wants to continue our marriage and our family. I love my wife and am willing to forgive. My fear is not being able to forget and being resentful over the situation. Right now I have a video playing in my head that is missing alot of detail. Although I think that I want to know the details, I don't know if that will mentally be helpful for me. We both agree that we need professional help as we go forward. Between now and when we find a professional for help, is it helpful for me to have details leading up to the event, or the event itself?

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We believe in getting the details, and she should be willing to provide all of them.

Was she drunk? As a woman I can't imagine having unprotected sex without using birth control. And especially not around the fertile time of the month.

Only you know if you need details. Are you a resentful man who holds onto things long after they've happened?

Does your wife want to keep the child?

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I agree with believer who posted above. It seems very odd that she would allow herself to have unprotected sex which could lead to pregnancy and STD's. It bad enough that she had so little respect for you but not even caring and willing to engage in unprotected sex is simply inexcusable.

What was it that allowed herself to give herself permission to do so. It seems like she only told you the truth because she is pregnant with another man's baby. Apparently she had no intention of telling you and clearly she has been willing to put your health at risk for STD's. I think you need to think long and hard what you wish to do. Rarely do you ever get the whole truth. I would also be worried that maybe she has done this in the past and because of the pregnancy has only now been forced to tell you now. Something does not add up here.

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My beliefs about abortion are generally in line with Believer's, but I think as a husband I will find it very difficult to recover a M with a constant reminder of her unfaithfullness like an OC.

I also share some of Bryanp's concerns. I don't think you're getting the whole story from your WW. How long did you know she was pregnant? Is it possible these days for a doctor to determine the actual date of conception at that stage of the pregnancy..? How far along is your wife in her pregnancy?


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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rwba, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I can tell you that doctors aren't always right. Unless your wife was away from you for an extended time, the child may very well be yours. Those conception/due date formulas are based on a consistent 28 day cycle with ovulation right in the middle. Not every woman fits that cycle.

If you and your wife are both committed to your marriage and agree to have the baby, I honestly believe you have it in you to love it whether s/he is biological or not. The child is the innocent in all of this.

Last edited by Exodus1414; 02/16/08 09:10 PM.
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rwba - I am glad you found this message board. Continue posting and you will gain the perspective you need. If she is being open, honest and transperant continue to seek the details you need. This is what I needed so I did not continue to replay in my head. Seemed like after I had the details I needed I was able to move to the next step - which was forgiving for me. Discovery was three weeks ago but my WH and I have made a commitment to work and work hard. The whole A brought everything into perspective for me.

My best advice is to read - read - read. Post - Post - Post. Stay positive if you can. I found the silver lining to this horrible situation.


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Ok, I am the fWW who has an OC who will be 7 next month. My H knew from the moment I took the pregnancy test, since the A had already been exposed and we were a couple weeks down the recovery path. Is it easy to do, no. Is it possible to raise this OC(if it is in fact an OC) as your own, yes. Yes,it will be a little more difficult since the ethnicity would be different, but you can still do it.

I do agree with the others to a point on why your WW had the ONS w/out protection, but on the other hand, having been in the misty fog of an A, I can see how things could have gotten carried away. I think what you need to focus on at this point is WHY it happened in the first place. WHY did she feel it was OK to do this? You need to focus on fixing what broke in the first place, cause if you don't fix it now, it will just get worse. Out of sight is NOT out of mind in situations like this. It just makes it worse. My description of doing that is sweeping it under the rug, until that pile is a mile high and you just try to walk around it. It happened to us, and we are finally truly healing(look at my signature line to see what I'm talking about).

Your WW needs to explain why she did this in the first place. What lead her down that path, and you both need to be honest about everything. It will be hard for her, because she won't want to cause you any further pain, but another way to look at that is when you have a gash that is beginning to heal, and all of a sudden, someone comes and rips it open, that's how it feels to find out details that you'd been told something else. But, if she is open with you now, it's like when the doctor gives you the shot to numb the area before stitching it up. Yes, it hurts like crazy at first, but the then medicine begins to work, and the healing can begin. Does that make sense to you? Healing can be painful at first, but eventually, all you have left is a scar. And, if you take care of your "wound" that scar is just a thin line of reminder, but no longer painful. It's when you don't take care of it, that you have a large painful scar.

Once you are down the path of recovery, and that wound is beginning to heal, then you can begin to think about what to do for and about this child. IF you feel it could be the OM's child, and you wish to raise it as your own, check out the family laws in your state regarding situations like this, and then consider talking to family, letting them know that you have chosen to raise this child as your own, and that they will have to accept that. It's what we've done with those in our situation who know the truth.

If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. I have no problems answering. Also, my DH will answer, either through me or his own log in, under sailorman59. Good luck,


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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rwba Offline OP
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First of all I want to thank all that have taken the time to respond to me. It has already been extremely helpful to find people that are willing to help a guy through a tough situation. You have already given me some great things to think about.

As I just found out about this two days ago, it is all still new to me. The worst feeling so far is feeling like something is squeezing my stomach everytime I think of what my W did. It is just hard to imagine another man with my wife. As far as me knowing the details, is it helpful for me to fill in the gaps in the story? will it then be easier to let the situation heal? Right now my imagination is filling in the details with most likely wrong information.

Well, I am off to the airport....we had scheduled a vacation prior to D-Day. Hopefully it will give much needed time to talk. If you would pray for God's direction for us I would appreciate it.

I will have access to this forum while I am gone, and am already finding it helpful to post my thoughts. Please keep the advice coming.

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This will be a little different perspective than you've received so far. I can understand where some would be fundementally against what I am suggesting, and I respect that difference in beliefs. With that said, I would also expect to receive the same respect for my beliefs that they may disagree with.

rwba, what you are facing has to be one of the hardest situations to recover from, and if I'm being totally honest, I don't think I could. The ONLY way that I would be able to even attempt recovery is if my WW were to have an immediate abortion. I simply couldn't raise another man's child under these circumstances ... others have shown that they can, but I simply could not. I know how hard its been to get past our situation, which is MUCH MUCH less than what you are facing, and I KNOW that I couldn't and wouldn't even attempt to try what you are facing.

If it were me, it would be abortion or divorce, but thankfully, its not me, and its your decision and you know what you can tolerate. I really feel for your position and wish you great strength to face the unimaginable hurt and pain you are experiencing, and I also wish for you a "clear head" to make this very difficult decision you are facing.

Good Luck to you.

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Sorry that all of this happened right before your vacation.

It may take up to two years to start feeling normal again. That seems to be the timeline.

Often the details are less hurtful than the things you may be conjuring up in your mind.

Hope you will post on the Pregnancy and Child board because many have been through the same thing.

Your wife is going to need to work on establishing firm boundaries. That may have been part of the problem here.

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Are you sure you know the truth of this A? I would suspect that this was not in fact a ONS. I would suspect that she is telling you the minimum that she needs to due to the fact that the pregnancy busted her.

It just seems pretty unlikely that she just happened to get pregnant the one and only time she had sex with OM, doesn't it? Sure its possible, but it raises a red flag for me, it should for you too.

You are contemplating raising another man's child with a woman that has proven herself to be untrustworthy to the highest degree. I think you owe it to yourself to be very sure what the ENTIRE truth is before you proceed.

I would suggest going back and looking at her detailed cell usuage in the months prior to the A to see if there is any indication that she was in contact with him prior to the ONS. If you see that, you will know that the at the very least the ONS was not something that "just happened". If your WW protests you seeking the thruth, that should be another red flag to you that something is up.

Sorry to bring this negative perspective, but I just suspect you don't know the "rest of the story", and given the situation, I think it is critically important that you KNOW the truth.

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rwba,

First I would strongly recommend that article Dr. Harley wrote about pregnancy from an affair. It will be of some help I think. Next, given the age of your W it may be that the doc will order an amnio test and when that is done a DNA test can be done to determine if the child is carrying is yours or someone elses.

I will quote you a saying from John Madden the football announcer. "Don't roll out the hose until you know where the fire is."

You do know she had a one night stand, that suggests some serious issues with your marriage and your W.

You don't know if the child is yours or not and may not know until deliver. I would recommend NOT focusing on this right now, but focus on the other issues. You do have a child with this woman, but I would also recommend that you have DNA testing done there as well. WHy? It will provide you ironclad proof that the child is yours. You love this child and will no matter what, but your mind is going to go, and probably is going in many different directions.

So the DNA tests closes one avenue for your mind to go, and it makes it easier for you to focus on the issues at hand.

Tigger and others here, for example AutumnDay, have been where your W is now they can offer you some amazing support and you will need it. There marriages have survived the trauma you are facing and their H's had to make some serious decisions.

Read Harley's article on pregnancy from an affair, and then learn more about why she has made the decisions she has.

This is NOT easy, no matter the paternity of the child, and it will be much harder if it is not yours. Take your time and make a decision that is best for you, your child and yes your child. That decision may be to leave, it may be to stay, but make sure when you make it you have given this alot of thought.

God Bless,

JL

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DNA now or at the time of birth will be needed to remove all doubts for the rest of your life.

Take your time before you make any decisions. Paternity test shows that your are the dad can make it easier to stay married.

Dr Phil had a white couple that already had three children prior to the WW's affair with a black OM that resulted in a mixed children being born. The husband could not accept the mixed child being a part of the family because it would be a constant reminder of the affair to him and a source of embarrassment for him.

Everyone that would have contact with his family, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, would see the result of his wife's affair.

The wife did not want to give up the child at first. When faced that keeping the OC would end the marriage in divorce. The WW gave up the OC in the best interests of protecting and preserving the way of life for the original three children.

On that show the couple went through other issues. I am sure that there are for you too. Only you know what you can handle.

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I agree that this is probably more than she is letting on. I'm sure she didn't "happen" to run into this old acquaintance. I'm sure he was an old flame that she kept in touch with from time to time, and he was laying the groundwork to "bed" her the next time she was in town. I'm sure she had some emotional connection to this man (and probably others from her past as well), and you need to set up boundaries for your marriage so that this doesn't happen again. This includes no private opposite sex friendships, no contact with old lovers, access to her email and phone records, accounting for her time if she is away, etc. This incident didn't just "happen," it was probably building up over several months. Why was she seeking out something else outside of the marriage? What emotional needs was this other man meeting that you weren't? I'm sure there are probably several email and phone call to this other man if you dig into it. Destroy them and get rid of his contact info, block his email address, and even change her number if he has it. This is a symptom of a much deeper problem and you need to address it before it happens to you again.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

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