I am stuck on whether to expose my WH or not. He still works with the OW, even though he swears the A (both PA and EA) has been over for >2 years. I don't want to make things worse for myself, but I also don't want anything else to happen. I have the same story as most people to, so I don't have to go into all of the details about how it happened, he lied, we're working on it, etc. My dilema is whether or not to expose him at work. While I am trying to go through each day and not fall apart, he and the OW are at work holding their heads high like nothing ever happened. She did do lots of seducing, and since our son was just born at the time, it was even easier to give into. When he did tell her that I knew everything and there were no more secrets, she asked why he was doing this and said that I didn't ever need to know. I really want her to have to deal with this, too. Is it worth what could happen? I am still so new to this and don't know what to do. What experiences have you had that have been positive in the end or detrimental to your recovery? Anything right now would be really helpful.
Thanks!

Exposure is a tool to end affairs. Was the OW married at the time? OWH deserves to know what happened.

WH or the OW needs to leave and find a new employer. They are still having contact. Can Human Resources help to prevent work related contact? I would send a letter to find out.

I understand your feelings ....




....... however, this is an unrealistic goal/expectation.

Your actual goal, one that will help you recover, is for your husband to NEVER see/speak with OW again.....

He needs to change his job

Since the admittance was just a month ago, and the A occurred almost 3 yrs. ago, H has not had to have just cause to leave. Since he did not think I had any idea, even though I asked him about it several times a month since it happened, he did not see a reason to leave. Now he is trying to get into another job, but the process is so slow. The OW has no reason to go anywhere. No one even knows she was doing this. I know all of the people at his job, and we all get along really well. It just kills me that he goes back to that place everyday...knowing what happened there and after work.

Have you begun marriage counseling (MC) to repair what was damaged by the affair in your marriage?

We have. I know that there is a very long road ahead of us. We are actally in the process of changing counselors right now. The one we had both been seeing actually lied to me and could not get my name right. We have an appointment tomorrow with the new one. I am hoping that this will help some more. I am wondering if it would help for the others at their job to know about it. The OW is no longer married. The reason she and my husband started the EA is because her H was have A of his own. She went crying to my H. Of course, everything else snowballed from there. She even drove all the way to my house after calling him to check to see if I was gone yet. Other coworkers of theirs have been out to our home for dinners and get-togethers. I'm sure they all think that everyone is "just friends" and there is no harm. I just don't know what to do.

I have actually spoken with his direct supervisor. She knows about it, but is a very good friend of ours. She chewed my H out, but she promised it would not go any further than her. I did know whether or not to tell her that I wanted it to!

The rules say - for good reason - that the families have to be told. His, yours, and hers. Why? Because if they are not forced to admit their wrongdoing, it is easier to do it again. I'm not sure the entire company needs to know, but everyone in a position of power that could make them work together needs to know.

By telling his supervisor, you did what was in your control. What she does is out of your control. (Chances are she did reveal to others but was obligated to infer that you were speaking in confidence.)

If I was friends with his co=workers, I would tell them as long as I had irrefutable proof. If she was still married, I would tell her BH to gain additional eyes. Since that is not an option, I would seek eyes elsewhere.


After my H swore his EA was over (he never met OW who lived across the country), we emailed an NC letter. (Later I found out that she thought I had written it, but I had only hit 'send'.) This was a couple months before I found the book Surviving an Affair (SAA) which eventually referred me to this website.

When I caught WH lying 3 months later (playng their online game "only a few times just trying to see if she was there and he could resist her....", when the history button he did not know about showed it had been happening hundreds of times over the past several months), I gave up....told him to leave. (We did NOT know about MB forums at that time, only the web site.)

As my story in my sig line shows, I gave him one more chance and he offered to hand-write another NC letter and pledged to 'do anything to help me heal.'

Is your husband willing to do ANYTHING TO HELP YOU HEAL? For us, that is what helped us begin to recover. Then I discovered this web site forum 6 weeks later around Christmas and registered to get help rebuilding trust. The first thing we needed to do was expose to OWH and when that was completed, things started to improve even though OWH did not even acknowledge that his asst. signed for the packet. My WH's attitude (willing, eager, totally cooperative with the exposure process) is what really helped me. (I had called the radio show and even though Dr. Harley said there were risks involved due to the 6 month delay, we decided to expose to OWH immediately.) Many posters here also helped with that decision.

Are you interviewing MC's before you make an appointment? I would definitely ask potential MC's if they are familiar with MB principles. When you find your new counselor he/she should tell you that there must be NO CONTACT for life. He must find another job soon in order for your recovery to begin. If your MC does not demand NC, your full recovery will most likely be impossible.

That was our experience with exposure. Like you, I wanted to expose to her co-workers and supervisor. If they had worked together and WH had been reluctant to change jobs I would have. But that's just me...it's not to say it's the right thing for you. I'd work with your new MC, especially if s/he is familiar with MB principles. If not, can you call the Harleys or at least the radio show?

Have you asked him about writing/delivering an NC letter to OW immediately? If he is reluctant (and you have irrefutable proof that his activities warrant his ending all contact), that would be a major red flag to me.

Welcome to MB, getting_by. Hope this helps a little.

Ace

I exposed my ww's affair to op's w. We live 1000 miles away. My ww drove on several occasions for trysts with her "soul mate". When my ww was confronted by several people the om's w enlisted, she came home MAD as ******. She packed up her clothes and moved out. She has been gone 2 weeks, deleted her email account and won't answer calls (not from me, I only call when called)...before she left, she gave me all kinds of reasons why I'm lower than snake-spit and should just go out and hang myself. Now, after 2 weeks, she sends a text message telling me she needs rent money for an apartment and help moving her things out. She wants to be independent with "a little help".

Am I sorry I exposed? No. Would I do it again? Yes. I will admit, I had second thoughts until reading posts on this forum. Thank God for MB and every contribution on this thread (and thank you all the ws who post. I appreciate you sharing what you are going thru.)

Hi Mr. R,

Welcome to MB. Like has already been suggested, it would be good to start your own thread to share your story.

In the meantime, read all the articles and letters on this website site, the posts pinned above the Just Found Out forum, and other posts and threads on these forums.

Best wishes, Mr. R.

Ace