Hi, MBers!

This ones not so much for myself as it is for my wife's parents. I'm hoping I can get some advice here that might give us some things we can do to help.

Last year at the first of October my wife's maternal grandfather was diagnosed with stomach cancer. By the time they found it the cancer was already in his lymph nodes and a few other places. He managed to hold on until the 2nd of January, but then passed away relatively peacefully at the hospice. In the mean time the grandfather and grandmother were staying with my wife's parents. My MIL had decided to take on the role of caregiver, basically without consulting my FIL, and brought GM and GF into the house. My FIL had to do a lot of the dirty work of caring for GF, which he really didn't have to since my MIL's four brothers live nearby and often came over to help and could have come more often.

Now GM is still living with MIL and FIL and it's causing tension. MIL and FIL just celebrated their 25th anniversary, but not even two days after coming back from an anniversary trip things have exploded. MIL has been fighting with FIL, saying that he didn't really care about GF/GM and had only helped because he had to (when, if you had seen the things this man did for GF, even though the GM does not much care for him, you would know this is not the case). The MIL has unilaterally invited GM to live with them and although MIL says it's temporary, it's becoming clear to FIL that GM will probably be there until she dies.

FIL is not happy about this, especially since GM tries to control things. This does piss off MIL, but she deals with it because she refuses to let someone else take care of GM. FIL finally asked MIL to choose and she said GM, so now he's planning to move out. He took an air mattress and is sleeping at work and is in the process of cutting ties (freezing joint accounts, removing her from his accounts, etc.) and looking for a place to live.

I hope that they can reconcile, but especially with MIL not choosing FIL, things look bad. Any suggestions on things my wife and I can try to do to help them?

Do they have a church they can get to mediate? Otherwise, I would call a family intervention. What are they gonna do? Disown all their kids for trying to get them to talk to each other? Maybe even bring in a counselor of some type to the meeting, who doesn't have to be involved, but the parents might warm up to him/her if they can start talking.

My first guess is the mother has never cut her ties to her parents and feels a gut need to prove to them how good a daughter she is. Someone might want to point that out, ask her about it, see where that leads.

I also have to agree with a family meeting. Mom, Dad, and any children. Children meet separately first. Then everyone. Grandma won't be there.

I worked in a nursing home for 5 years, and I can safely say that once a person's independence is removed, they begin to go down hill. Your wife's grandmother may be better off staying as independent as possible for as long as possible.

At the meeting, they should discuss how this has affected the entire family and how a decision such as this is huge and should not be made singularly. It shows independent behavior, inconsideration, thoughtlessness.

Compassion is key - understanding of how she feels - and other alternatives should be discussed at great length.

Thank you for the suggestions. I think we are going to try a family intervention and just hope that MIL listens.

I think what she needs to hear is that she can still be a very good daughter, possibly a better daughter to her mother by allowing her as much independence autonomy, and dignity for as long as possible. Sometimes we want to run to someone's aid, when the last thing they want is to be dependent on their children or their children's spouses. That alone can bring on depression and lower the immune system.

She may not be taking into account that her mother may be happier and be able to retain her dignity by having her personal needs handled by a trained professional so that her family (including her daughter) can see her and be with her when she's at her best.