Thats why I am firmly kicking my own posterior at the moment cos I am intelligent and know that and cant believe I lost those qualities. Dumb!

don't bother...you've learned...move on...its in the past...

Good, get back into some kind of exercise to finish that sliming down process and get busy being the man you were. What're you going to do first? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there. There will be some rough times ahead of you; there'll be consternation and confusion and some low points to get through, but we'll be here to help you get through them and, if necessary, apply 2X4s if you get morose.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LH

Hey Spike...good for you!!!

Maybe it's the coming full moon, but I feel it too...

Loving detachment

Boundaries

[email]B@lls...[/email]

Whatever, it's all about being you for YOU.

I, too, have realized that waiting for someone else is a useless exercise...time's a wasting, my man!

L2F

I had to fight my old self a bit today. She called me 10am, first chance she has had in 4 days because he was at home all the time (holiday and sick). For the first time I thought it amusing she called as soon as she could in the morning to check what I was doing, where I was at the weekend etc. When she got the info she said I'll call you later, and I was like "ok sure" whatever kind of attitude.

She did call in the afternoon, I picked her up and carried on the same attitude from V-day, the old me. Didn't ask her many questions, kept it light, got my balls back and again had a bit of a laugh with her though she had a headache.

I mentioned that I had worked out at last where I had let her down and she said really tell me. SO I told her.

She said, I like you like this, and she loved me and not to stop the new attitude. Also said she liked me new hair cut, and strangely that I looked manly again!

She mentioned V-day evening and that all he did was buy her some flowers, they didnt go out. Her words were that she kept waiting for him to do more, a present, take her out etc. but it never came. She also didnt go out for 4 days over the weekend and I said, you sound unhappy, and she said yes I am.

Thats today anyway....not too much opporunity to Plan A, but I stuck to my new manly attitude. Normally I would have called her a couple of times and asked where are you, when you coming to see me, but I resisted and got her to come to me.

When was the last time she tried to call you, and you were unavailable to take her call?

More specifically on a weekend or evening she knows your not working.

Spike,

""Plan A to me now is to stop sacrificing myself to the alter of my wife.""

This is AWESOME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am very proud of you and am cheering you on!!

kirk

Like JKT suggested, perhaps it's not always advisable to be at your WW's beck and call. Try a little 180, why don't you? I understand Plan A goals and stuff, but pardner, I don't really know as I'd be my WW's bestest buddy in this -- exactly why are you letting her fill your ear with talk about how the OM is treating her, etc. Seems to me a good boundary to set would be that you won't listen to crap about OM. The more (unexpressed) frustration she has with him, the faster it will fracture her fantasy world. If you're letting her unload her frustrations on you, aren't you aiding and abetting the affair? Something about being her confidant she comes running to with complaints about OM just sticks in my craw. Just my opinion. Perhaps others can comment?

LH

I completely agree.

Thanks for the responses guys.
I am trying to be more distant. I'm actually filling my day with more things. Had a job interview this morning so couldn't take her call, but I called her back later and she was a bit put out I didnt answer straight away :-)
She has actually cut down on the bad talk about him anyway but I do agree, I guess I just kind of liked hearing how bad he was/is. Thing is I think she has actually got bored with it and realises he is not going to change now. I agree it will probably help fracture quicker if she has to deal with it all herself.
We actually had quite a good honest chat today with little fog involved.
She basically said to me, that she is waiting for me to get my pride back. Get back the kind of man I was when she met me. She said she still loved me but loved me more before.
She basically told me what I had figured out and what I should be doing in PLan A anyway, i.e put myself first, get my pride back, get a decent job and she said wherever it is I will come to you.
I did believe her, it was "fog free"
I took the opportunity as she was talking to ask, if you are not happy why the ****** do you stay with him.
She basically said "pride" pride that she cannot change him, is failing and that she said she had something "before" with him.
I'm not going to listen to it anymore, but I did believe her today mainly because its what I know, what you guys know and what I should be doing for my life anyway.
I actually dont blame her right now, she is scared I will be the same as I was with her before and until I get myself sorted out I probably would be!
I know he doesnt meet her ENs and she is not happy so I would say if I can get myself sorted out as I said, barring any miracle change in him, I think I've got a 75% chance she will come back.
I just need to focus on me, Plan A like crazy until I get a job sorted wherever that is. Then I will go, get my pride back, make some new friends and some money. Then I "think"she will follow me, I am pretty sure of that but if she doesnt I will be in a good place with my pride, friends, family and a bit of cash in my pocket.
I'm actually just quite happy she finally managed to tell me the truth.
I dont know if you guys know with your WW but I always knew when she wasnt telling me 100% truth but didnt know about what so its quite a relief to hear some honest talking. Maybe thats down to my new attitude that she feels she can be honest with me without me freaking out!

Also thanks for the responses guys, its a bit lonely where I am in a foreign country and I appreciate the support!

Why talk about OM at all, Spike? What possible good can come of it?

Spike - every time you sit and listen to your WW complain about her boyfriend, you are not being a husband to her.

You are being a girlfriend.

That's who women b*tch to about their boyfriend troubles.

Their girlfriends.

She does not respect you because you are not behaving like a man whose wife is scr*wing another guy.

You are behaving like you're one of her girlfriends who just eats up everything she has to say about her boyfriend and doesn't mind hearing about it at all.

Don't know if you've seen this or not, but here is something that may help you:


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah you're right I did think that today before you said it actually that I think she treats me more like a girlfriend sometimes which is scary.
I've always been like that with women thats the problem. Thats where the nice guy comment comes from. When I was growing up, loads of girls as friends but never a girlfriend.
I admit I do find it difficult to know how to play this and be more of a husband and not a girlfriend.
Any tips appreciated...this is a tricky one for me,

How comfortable do you think she feels with her ability to fall back on you whenever "she" so desires?

I get the impression she feels very in control of "your" relationship.

Until the last couple of days hugely 100% confident she can fall back on me hence no desire to leave him even though she is not happy.
I think now I'v started changing a bit and not answering the phone immediately and going out at the weekend it has rattled her a bit.
She has asked me twice exactly what I did at the weekend. She was supposed to see me tonight and couldnt but when she called said please dont go out tonight.
So now probably about 95% :-) I need to do more to not be a "friend" and to make her think she can and will lose me.

Spike, Please cautiously use this to your advantage.

She has given up her right to keep tabs on you. No need to lie to her, just let her imagination get the best of her. She will climb the walls... Believe me ; )

The more control she feels she is losing, the more attractive you will become.

She does not get the luxury of keeping you safely locked up in a little box because it works for her. This is her doing. Even if you don't go out, she doesn't need to know that. Your only response need be...

"I will not sit at home alone, and bored". Even if you do!

I suspect you will find distancing yourself from her control to be VERY effective.

-JKT

I will do....
I went out for the first time at the weekend to somewhere new with no-one that would relay what happened to her.
So thats why I got questioned twice about it.
It will be interesting to see what happens this weekend and whether I get a call at 9am on Monday morning just to "see" what I did over the weekend.
It will be interesting to see how she feels if I get a new job away from here maybe back in the UK for 3 months....I think she thinks now I will be pining for her and calling her 10 times a day but I wont.
I think then she will truly climb the walls as I do believe she doesnt want to be with him and maybe wants to be back with me, but if im 7000 miles away she will stand a very real chance of losing me and I dont think she is ready for that.
If she cant stand that I go out here alone, whats she going to do if Im well out of sight!

I was going to add as well that I notice this week her calling me more and wanting to spend more time with me until later in the day wheras before there were excuses to go home or to meet me later in the day.
Could be due to the weekend and her control slipping a bit...

You got it.

Her loss of control, and inablility to keep tabs on you will put her in an imagination driven tail spin.

I suspect it won't do much for her R with OM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have you read Learning2Fly's thread?

If not, I would recommend it, from the beginning.

-JKT