It was with my best friend and it happened in my house. She wasn't going to him because of what are relationship lacked, or so she says. Drugs and alcohol had a lot to do with she says. I don't know who to trust or what is truth. I have no one to turn to, so I thought I would come here. Can someone please shed some light on this kind of infidelity. The kind that just happened because she wanted to do it, and if it could happen again. They say " Once a cheat always a cheat", is this accurate. Please help if you can. Also, we have a 7 year old son with Cerebal Palsey who needs both of us to care for him, what to do?

Welcome Ham

Sorry you have to be here. But we can help.

Read this site as much as you can. It will help you to understand affairs. Most are cut from the same mold. The circumstances are different, but the underlying reasons are very similar.

Your WW felt entitled to do as she pleased. Entitlement plays a major role usually. Selfishness also plays a role. And the idea that no one will ever find out, tips the scale.

"Once a cheat, always a cheat" is not the norm. There are serial cheaters though. Those are a different breed.

Purchase Surviving an Affair or get it from the library. This will help. Read up on Plan A.

Your WW has hurt you in the worst way. Try to take care of yourself. This isn't going to be easy, especially if she is foggy and justifying her actions at all.

Remember, she owns this A 100%. You are responsible for 50% of the M and the condition it is in. But SHE made the choice to have an A. Don't let her blame you for her decision.

Also she should have no further contact with this guy EVER again. Not only will contact help reignite the A, but it adds insult to your injury. A No Contact letter should actually be written to this guy. I'm sorry it was your BF. That's double the betrayal. But he is NO friend at this point.

Keep reading here. More will chime in soon.

The biggest problem I'm having is telling wether I'm being told the truth now, or still be lying to.

Ham
From experience, normally you're gonna hear lies. Either they are hiding more stuff or they're trying to keep from hurting you further with the grim details. Normally we say to watch the actions. Don't believe a thing a WS says. At best you'll get half truths. Usually it takes awhile to get the real truth. Sometimes months and usually with a remorseful spouse.

Is this her first A?
Did she say "why" she did it?
What was the state of your M prior to this?
What is your gut telling you? If things don't sound right or even feel right, they probably aren't.

What's her demeanor? Remorseful or justifying?

There's a wayward mindset. It would be good for us to understand if she is still wayward or not.

Is the former BF M? If so his wife should be told.

The biggest problem is he lives about 300 yards away from us. You can actually see his house from our front steps. We live in an apartment complex, where I've lived for 32 yrs. Well, he works in the complex as a maintenance worker. I did tell his boss he is not to take any work orders for our apartment, but we still see him drive by, and believe it or not, but he sometimes he waves.

I think it was her first time. She said she did it because it was easy to get away with. You see I work 12 hr days, so I'm not home often, which makes it even harder now that it has been exposed. Things definitely don't sound right, but the gut feeling had proved to be right. One day I called from work saying I was going to be a little longer, when actually I was on my way home. I walked over to his house to the backside to his cellar. They were both sitting smoking then all of a sudden they started kissing. It blew my mind to see my fiance of 9 1/2yrs kissing my best friend.It has been very tough, alot of highs and lows, not sure how to handle it.

Your fiance of 9 1/2 years? So you are not M?

No. We were supposed to get married in May of this year, but realized we could not financially afford a wedding, so she cancelled the hall we had put a down payment on. It was tough on both of us. I hope not being married is not a problem. I have no where else to turn to, and the best advice I figured would come from people who have also experienced what I am going through right now. I did not try to mislead anyone, I'm sorry if I have.

Ham,

How long have the two of you lived together?

What do you think the problems are in your relationship?

What does she say the problems are?



SB

We've been living together for 9 yrs. I work 12 hr days so I'm never home, and neither of us like that. I think we were missing romance, and I think she would agree.

Ham,

If you just found out, you should assume you are still being lied to.

What's your best friend say about it?

And did one of them confess? How did you find out?

Thanks,

Ham
You did not mislead anyone. I was just trying to get as much info as I could. It really helps us help you if we know as much detail of your R as possible.

You are certainly welcome on this board. And yes...we've all been there. We know the pain you are feeling.

I also feel that you have not gotten to the bottom of this.

What has been going on since you found out?

I'm afraid that this has been going on for quite some time and is still going on.

What else can you tell us?

At the moment she is typing me the story of how it happened, beginning to end. Almost as a punishment, but more in a sense, to confront her demons and find closure for both of us. She said she is willing to do anything she can to make things right, including councelling. She has kept up with her part. The biggest problem is when talking about it, she tends to change the subject or walks away. Communication needs to be better if this is going to work. I'm sure when she's done with the letter I may still have more questions, but it beats making up my own theory of what happened. She tries to be supportive but finds it tough sometimes. She calls wherever she is and justifies her time. I'll admit, sometimes I can't help this feeling that while I'm at work something is going on. How do you just turn it off!?

You don't just turn it off. It will "be with you" for at least two years.

She has to understand that what she did will not just go away, and that your recovery from this will take lots of work

on both your parts

and will not be as easy as saying "just get over it already".

This is a difficult task - to repair a relationship. You two aren't married, and at this point I wouldn't advise you two to take that step. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions, and at this point you should not make any major decisions regarding your relationship. Even if you were legally married, I would give you the very same advice - don't make any decisions yet.

There is a period where you will feel like bonding with her, then you will work very hard. Then, about six or eight months from now, you will experience a lot of anger over the situation again. Then, in a year, you will still have reminders popping up at you for unknown reasons. At about two years out, you will start feeling like things are settling out, sort of.

And this is only if she does everything she can to make you feel safe, and the two of you really work on the basic concepts on this website.

If no work is done, things don't really move along as fast.

Sorry, but this is work - hard work.

But you can do it. You both can work this out. Only if you go into the job knowing what to do and how to do it.

Read this website, and order the books.

Ham

You will find that she is uncomfortable talking about it. And it's understandable. I've been told that it is even painful for the WS to talk about it. Problem is the BS NEEDS to talk about it.So to get what you need, proceed calmly. When asking about it don't freak out by her answers. Stay calm, even thank her for being honest. Then come and vent your anger here. It'll help her to continue to talk with you about it.

Now, just cause she's writing stuff out doesn't mean it is all true or that EVERYTHING is written. You should keep a healthy skepticism. I don't know anyone who has gotten the whole truth the first time around. But you could encourage her to tell you everything NOW! Getting more info in 6 months will put you back in your recovery and the little trust that you have regained by then will be lost.

Remember if it doesn't feel right or your gut tells you something else, listen to it. Verify when you can.

As I said earlier, Dday was December 5. It has been a few months and I'm finally starting to get (I hope) the truth. It hasn't been easy, because she tends to forget alot, but things I hope are starting to come together. I really want this to end so I can work on recovering from this horrible ordeal. The longer it takes for that letter, the longer before we can start recovering.

Is the affair over and has no contact been established?

Recovery cannot begin until this happens.

I truely hope so.